Hi Bee
I’m so sorry for the way that your family treat you. You didn’t deserve it, your sister didn’t deserve it.
It sounds like you leaving was a legal arrangement and not your responsibility. Your sister isn’t significantly younger than you.
Feelings can take time to catch up to what you know to be true in your mind. You have to remember that what you feel isn’t necessarily true.
Your abuse has primed you to abuse yourself.
When you start blaming, punishing yourself and feeling guilty it is important to ask yourself if this is part of your pattern of self-abuse. What good does this behaviour actually do? What harm does it do? Likely, all this behaviour does is harm you.
You can learn to forgive yourself without punishing and harming yourself. What do you think would forgiving yourself in a healthy way look like? I would recommend that you also intentionally do something kind for yourself to take care of yourself when these feelings arise.
Regarding schooling I’m glad you stood up for your needs and came to a reasonable arrangement.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 