Dear Johanna:

You shared in your original post that your parents used to argue often, and that you suffer from “both depression and intrusive thoughts“. You also shared that your long-distance girlfriend (never have met in person) suffers from depression as well and that the two of you argued a lot: “hardly ever went a week without arguing…  I was afraid of fights since my parents also argue often though not as bad as me and her“.

Following a second breakup, “her sister and best friend successfully guilt tripped me into going back to her“. You got back together: “I avoided things I knew would lead to fights and tried my best to keep the peace“. Later, you broke up with her again, and “her best friend and sister are on my case again too, telling me how unfair I am being“. “Am I supposed to stay with her for her happiness?“, you asked, and closed your original post with the question: “All I want to know is, am I a terrible person for leaving her? Or is it the right thing to do?”

In your second post, a month and 12 days later, you shared that you are no longer in a relationship with her but still communicating, ending your post with “And I think my empathy for her is the reason I am still talking to her“.

My input today: in your original post, you mentioned guilt, saying that you were guilt-tripped into getting back together with her, and you expressed feelings of guilt, asking if you are a terrible person (which means that at least at times, you felt like a terrible person), and asking if you did the right thing (which means that at least at times, you felt that you were doing the wrong thing, and therefore, guilty of a wrong doing).

In your second post, you mentioned empathy being the reason you are still talking to her.

Guilt and Empathy are connected. I will give you an example, let’s say that while growing up, your parents had an unhappy marriage; the frequent arguments were part of their unhappy marriage. You felt a lot of empathy for one of your parents, more than for the other perhaps, and you tried your best to make that parent’s life better, tried to keep the peace in the home and to prevent the next argument. Maybe you were tired of their arguments and unhappiness, drained by your efforts to make their lives better, anxious and depressed. You wanted to leave them, but when you were old enough and able to leave, you felt too guilty to leave, because you believed that without you, your parent’s life will be worse, and so, you stayed and stayed, anxious and depressed.

Fast forward, you feel empathy and guilt in regard to your long-distance girlfriend, fearing that her life will be worse if you are no longer talking to her, so you stay and stay, too guilty to leave. Is anything like that true to you?

anita