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Need reassurance that I am doing the right thing

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  • #395068
    Johanna
    Participant

    So I broke up with my girlfriend recently like a few days ago after we had a fight.

    To give some more back story, the two of us have been in a long distance relationship for about two years now having never met in person. From the start things were difficult as we are two very different people who wanted very different things, I want marriage and kids things she never even considered till I came along and even than she only started wanting those things after the first time I tried and failed to break up with her because she was being sweet and telling me how she will change and that ever since meeting me she has started reconsidering those things so I stayed with her.

    During this time together again I will admit there was some red flags for me and we argued about them a lot we hardly ever went a week without arguing but somehow she convinced me that it was just the distance between us that caused us to argue and the fact that I was afraid of fights since my parents also argue often though not as bad as me and her. Our second breakup happened because she choose to work late with someone she knew has a huge crush on her something she knew I would not like as she could easily have chosen anyone else to work with and I know this part makes me sound a bit crazy and I won’t deny being the jealous type but she is a flirt and her ex is also always hanging around her trying to get her back and she did not ever put in much effort to tell her to stay away. Anyways during the second breakup I tried to cut her off completely a better term would probably be ghosting which I know is not a great thing to do but it seemed the easiest but her sister and best friend successfully guilt tripped me into going back to her.

    Things were okay kinda my heart at this point was already so guarded but I tried my best to put everything into the relationship and it mostly went good for a while I avoided things I knew would lead to fights and tried my best to keep  the peace. She had to go to a different country for work and things got hard as she was depressed and pushing me away while still clinging to me, now I had no problem with her depression as I suffer from both depression and intrusive thoughts so while it was extremely emotionally draining for me to try and get her to see the bright side of things I did my best and made sure not to burden her with any troubles I might had. Than we got into a huge fight over the phone and she left her house in the middle of the night and left me thinking for hours that she got killed or worse not once thinking how scared I was for her when she finally did tell me she was fine I broke up with her which she did not take well and pretty much refused because in her mind I can’t break up with her it has to be a mutual agreement.

    Now I have said my peace a few times and once again cut her off on most places except for email and of course her best friend and sister are on my case again too, telling me how unfair I am being and that I can’t do this and that they don’t want to lose her because of me, which how is any of that fair? Am I suppose to stay with her for her happiness?

    Things that for me felt off:

    Whenever I went out I always told her where I was going, what I was going to be doing and who I was going with but if I got home just a bit later than she liked she would get upset and ask where I was, who I was with and what I was doing questions she already knew the answer too.

    Whenever I said something she didn’t like I was always “What is wrong with you” or “Why are you talking to me like this”.

    And if I didn’t follow her advice it was always that I don’t respect her or listen to her.

    She got jealous of my dogs sitting on my lap, because only she should be allowed to do that according to her.

    And those are just a few of the things that felt off to me.

    All I want to know is am I a terrible person for leaving her? Or is it the right thing to do?

    #395070
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    Hi Johanna,

    You have been in a committed relationship for 2 years with a person you have never met? That seems unusual. Why didn’t you meet?

    #395071
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Johanna:

    “the two of us have been in a long distance relationship for about two years now having never met in person.… She got jealous of my dogs sitting on my lap, because only she should be allowed to do that according to her” –

    – I don’t understand: you never met in real-life, you never felt her touch, never looked in her eyes outside of a computer screen, You felt your dogs sitting on your lap because they were really there, sitting on your lap, you felt their warmth, felt the vibration of their breathing, but never have felt her… because she was never there with you.

    Is virtual-togetherness really comparable to actually BEING together?

    anita

    #395080
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Johanna

    I think you already know that her behaviour is troubling.

    Be honest with yourself. Do you think you will ever meet her in person? Do you think you would ever have a family with her?

    You might have a lot of empathy for her because you see that she struggles with issues similar to you. When she isn’t behaving badly perhaps you even enjoy her company.

    But this isn’t about her. It’s about you.

    Why do you tolerate the abuse when she doesn’t even meet your needs and you have no real future? Are you afraid of being alone? How does being without her make you feel?

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by Helcat.
    #395088
    Tommy
    Participant

    So, you need reassurance that you are doing the right thing? Long distance relationship, Never met, her ex hanging around, she is a flirt, arguing all the time. You listed many reasons for this break up and not any for staying together. It sounds like it is time to go met a girl in real life.

    #396632
    anita
    Participant

    I would like to read more from you, Johanna, hope you are well.

    anita

    #398769
    Johanna
    Participant

    Sorry for being missing for a while I am still trying to clear my head, the current situation is as such I am still talking to her but we are not together and I do not see a future for us.

    To answer some questions:

    We never met for a number of reasons first it was COVID with it’s flying restrictions and once that was over she had to go to a different country for work.

    I won’t lie virtual-togetherness really is no where near as good as actually being together.

    And I think my empathy for her is the reason I am still talking to her.

    #398770
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Johanna:

    You shared in your original post that your parents used to argue often, and that you suffer from “both depression and intrusive thoughts“. You also shared that your long-distance girlfriend (never have met in person) suffers from depression as well and that the two of you argued a lot: “hardly ever went a week without arguing…  I was afraid of fights since my parents also argue often though not as bad as me and her“.

    Following a second breakup, “her sister and best friend successfully guilt tripped me into going back to her“. You got back together: “I avoided things I knew would lead to fights and tried my best to keep the peace“. Later, you broke up with her again, and “her best friend and sister are on my case again too, telling me how unfair I am being“. “Am I supposed to stay with her for her happiness?“, you asked, and closed your original post with the question: “All I want to know is, am I a terrible person for leaving her? Or is it the right thing to do?

    In your second post, a month and 12 days later, you shared that you are no longer in a relationship with her but still communicating, ending your post with “And I think my empathy for her is the reason I am still talking to her“.

    My input today: in your original post, you mentioned guilt, saying that you were guilt-tripped into getting back together with her, and you expressed feelings of guilt, asking if you are a terrible person (which means that at least at times, you felt like a terrible person), and asking if you did the right thing (which means that at least at times, you felt that you were doing the wrong thing, and therefore, guilty of a wrong doing).

    In your second post, you mentioned empathy being the reason you are still talking to her.

    Guilt and Empathy are connected. I will give you an example, let’s say that while growing up, your parents had an unhappy marriage; the frequent arguments were part of their unhappy marriage. You felt a lot of empathy for one of your parents, more than for the other perhaps, and you tried your best to make that parent’s life better, tried to keep the peace in the home and to prevent the next argument. Maybe you were tired of their arguments and unhappiness, drained by your efforts to make their lives better, anxious and depressed. You wanted to leave them, but when you were old enough and able to leave, you felt too guilty to leave, because you believed that without you, your parent’s life will be worse, and so, you stayed and stayed, anxious and depressed.

    Fast forward, you feel empathy and guilt in regard to your long-distance girlfriend, fearing that her life will be worse if you are no longer talking to her, so you stay and stay, too guilty to leave. Is anything like that true to you?

    anita

    #399030
    Johanna
    Participant

    That all sounds painfully accurate.

    #399045
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Johanna:

    I will reply to you further in about 11 hours from now. You are welcomed to post again and share more before I return to your thread.

    anita

    #399062
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Johanna:

    From a website, you are mom. com/ How parental unhappiness affects children: “Although children can sense adults’ unhappiness, they can’t always understand why. Most commonly, they deduce that they must be responsible, that they’ve done something wrong, and that’s why their parents are angry or upset. This can produce major feelings of guilt and low self-esteem. In addition…. they may suffer great anxiety when trying to modify their parents’ moods without success, or they may feel that they need to act a certain way in order not to worsen the situation. When this stress persists and their body keeps releasing large amounts of cortisol, related health problems may even appear”,

    A note to mothers in same website: “Of course, adults also feel sadness, anger, or frustration, and it’s okay for children to see that, as it helps normalize those emotions. However, it’s important that you take responsibility for yourself and take appropriate steps to improve your well-being. For example, going to therapy, ending a relationship if it’s harmful, strengthening your social relationships, etc. Try to be an example of positive coping for your children rather than a display of pessimism and self-neglect”.

    Does this speak to you?

    anita

    #399076
    Johanna
    Participant

    Dear Anita:

    In some ways that article does speak to me, most of my anxiety and depression is most likely linked to the environment I was raised in. I think you have made me see that in order for me to ever have a good relationship I am going to have to do some healing that I did not even know I needed.

    Thank you

    Johanna

    #399077
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Johanna:

    You are welcome. I can tell you about my healing experience, only there is too much to tell in one post. Post anytime, share what you are willing to share, and I will read and reply best I can.

    anita

    #399916
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Johanna:

    How are you?

    anita

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