Dear PuChop:

“Trying to make friends after you hit 30 is very difficult… My biggest fear is regretting going down the path of isolation when I’m on my death bed… the fear is ever present” – you are afraid of being alone and lonely in the future, when on your death bed. But in the past, as a child growing up in a very dysfunctional family and onward, you were extremely lonely all along, haven’t you?

It often happens that we are afraid of experiencing something in the future, when we already experienced it plenty in the past, and still, in the present. You wrote in your original post in regard to your former employers: “I should have seen all the signs of manipulative and violent people, but I was able to ignore it. Part of it was me being extremely naive and lonely. The other was growing up in a very dysfunctional family”.

You wrote that you were able to ignore the true nature of your employers at the time because you were extremely lonely. The employers and some of the customers were very friendly, and some treated you like family: “Some of these terrible employers and customers even became part of my social group. It was actually a fun time and I had more social activity than I had in years. Some of them even considered me as family“.

For a very lonely child=> a very lonely adult, when a group of people treats you like a valuable member of their social group, part of their esteemed family, and you experience a lot of positive social activity with them, it is intoxicating, it is like having a long-ago childhood dream come true… all the longing of childhood to belong, to be treated well… all that gets satisfied for a while, and it is fun and exciting: a powerful emotional experience!

You wrote earlier: “Everyone around me knew what was going on behind the scenes except me” – maybe they knew because they did not grow up lonely, and therefore, they were not too excited by the friendly, family like atmosphere.

I hope that you feel compassion for yourself for not knowing what was happening behind the scenes at the time, can’t blame the boy in you for being too excited, too invested in the dream.

When you found out what the employers were about, you disappeared on them, blocked their numbers- I hope that you give yourself credit for not closing your eyes to what you knew, like the others.

I wrote all the above before I noticed that you used the word dream yourself, in the last paragraph of your original post: “Everything in the past 3 years feels like a dream. Nothing feels real. Nothing really makes me excited or happy anymore. Everything feels flat, muted and gray” –

– I think that when you awakened from the sweet dream of being a valued member of a family, a dream full of exciting colors and sounds and tastes… it was a rude awakening that left you feeling flat, muted and gray.

Like I mentioned before, I would like to communicate with you further, so feel free to post anytime and I will be glad to read what you share and reply.

anita