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I don’t know what happened to me

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  • #399356
    puChop
    Participant

    I think developed an aversion to touch and people trying to get close to me. It always feel manipulative in a bad way when girls will flirt with me. A simple touch on my shoulders or arm doesn’t have the positive effect it should. Meeting someone that reminds me of anyone I knew in the past can set me off. I try to be polite and nice, but I kinda just end up acting passive aggressive or keeping my distance. It wasn’t always this bad. Most of the time I could suppress these kinds of negative feelings, or not have them at all. Most of the time. But now I don’t feel like I can do that anymore.

    I had years of bad experiences and abuse at work from employers and customers that I just want to be alone as much as i can these days. Some of these terrible employers and customers even became part of my social group. It was actually a fun time and I had more social activity than I had in years. Some of them even considered me as family. Until I found out the reasons why I was treated so badly as their employee. I was so stupid. I should have seen all the signs of manipulative and violent people, but I was able to ignore it. Part of it was me being extremely naive and lonely. The other was growing up in a very dysfunctional family that skewed what is or isn’t normal I guess. Everyone around me knew what was going on behind the scenes except me, and no one ever told me. I would have quit on the spot a long time ago with no remorse or guilt if I had.

    This happened as the pandemic started and I haven’t seen any of them since. They’ve called me a few times after disappearing on them, but I’m not going to answer. I’ve blocked their numbers. I don’t have social media so no one can reach me very easily.

    Ever since then I feel like something broke in my brain. I don’t long for companionship or friendships very much. I feel lonely, but the cure sounds more painful. I keep all my co-workers at arms length. I’m too afraid to let anyone get too close. Married women are flirting with me at where I work now, and this is making me feel worse. It makes me distrust people even more. My co-workers act like it’s no big deal and egg me on to sleep with them. It’s really weird.

    I dunno what to feel or what I’m supposed to do. Everything in the past 3 years feels like a dream. Nothing feel real. Nothing really makes me excited or happy anymore. Everything feels flat, muted and gray. But it feels like it helped me ride out the pandemic effortlessly.

    #399358
    anita
    Participant

    Dear PuChop:

    I will be able to reply to you in about 12 hours from now.

    anita

    #399364
    anita
    Participant

    Dear PuChop:

    You shared that you grew up in “a very dysfunctional family that skewed what is or isn’t normal“. As a result, you were “so stupid…. extremely naive and lonely” that you unknowingly worked for, and was abused by “manipulative and violent” employers (and by customers, a few of whom became part of your social group): “Everyone around me knew what was going on behind the scenes except me, and no one ever told me. I would have quit on the spot a long time ago with no remorse or guilt if I had“.

    When you eventually found out what was going on behind the scenes, at the time that the pandemic started, you cut contact with those manipulative and violent employers, “disappearing on them… blocked their numbers“.

    Ever since then, you “feel lonely, but the cure sounds more painful“. You are afraid to let anyone get too close. You work elsewhere. Married women flirt with you there, and coworkers act “like it’s no big deal“, egging you on to sleep with them. These people are making you “distrust people even more“. You think that you developed “an aversion to touch“, such as a simple touch on your shoulder or arm, and an aversion to people who are trying to get close to you. You keep your distance from people, or you act passive aggressively toward people. In the past, you were able to suppress your negative feelings (or not have them at all), but now, you feel unable to do that.

    I dunno what to feel or what I’m supposed to do. Everything in the past 3 years feels like a dream. Nothing feels real. Nothing really makes me excited or happy anymore. Everything feels flat, muted and gray” –

    – mistreated at home growing up=> mistreated at the workplace as a grown up=> very distrusting people, angry at people.

    This development is understandable. Those of us who were abused for a long time suffer the consequences of the abuse. The Law of Cause and Effect defined by Isaac Newton states that “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction“: it is true of physics, and it is true of our emotional lives. The Abuse you suffered is the Cause/ Action. Your negative feelings for other people, the excessive distrust, the aversion to touch, your loneliness and depression (“muted and grey“) … are the Effect/ Reaction.

    I wrote excessive distrust because there really are plenty of people who are not trustworthy in this or that area, people who harm other people in a variety of ways, including the violent employers, the co-workers who were aware of what was happening behind the scenes and kept working there… and the married women who flirt with you and the co-workers who egg you on to sleep with them. So, some distrust is needed to minimize your chances to be harmed by others, and so to not harm others.

    Please let me know what you think about my reply. I would like to communicate with you further.

    anita

     

    #399411
    puChop
    Participant

    Thank you for replying. I tried my best to keep it short and simple. These are some thoughts that’s been in my head for a while. I really needed to get it off my chest. Even if it’s out into the void of the internet.

    I’m not young anymore so this makes it even more difficult. Trying to make friends after you hit 30 is very difficult. It’s almost like I don’t want to anymore. My biggest fear is regretting going down the path of isolation when I’m on my death bed. If I don’t have that happen then it’s fine. I can live with my choice. But the fear is ever present.

    I still go out occasionally but not with people I’m been very close to. They are friendly and know me and some of the issues I’ve been going through, so it feels safe enough. Maybe that’s good enough, or that’s that’s the only thing that will work for me at this phase in my life.

    #399413
    anita
    Participant

    Dear puChop:

    You are welcome. When I read that you are “not young anymore”, I thought that maybe you are in your 50s, but you are just past 30? I remember feeling old when I turned 30… looking back, I was young at 30!

    It’s a good thing that you go out occasionally with people you feel safe enough with. it’s a good thing that there are such people who can be trusted. I will be back to your thread tomorrow morning (in about 11 hours from now) and reply further. Anything you want to share about, before I am back to your thread, please do.

    anita

    #399414
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi PuChop!

    I’m sorry for the difficulties that you are experiencing. Have you considered changing jobs? It’s good that it provided a safety net during the pandemic but it might be time for a new environment. Not all work place environments are bad.

    It’s good that despite your difficult experiences with work, you know there are some good people out there! The challenge is finding them. The more good people in your life and the fewer bad people in your life the better!

    #399425
    anita
    Participant

    Dear PuChop:

    Trying to make friends after you hit 30 is very difficult… My biggest fear is regretting going down the path of isolation when I’m on my death bed… the fear is ever present” – you are afraid of being alone and lonely in the future, when on your death bed. But in the past, as a child growing up in a very dysfunctional family and onward, you were extremely lonely all along, haven’t you?

    It often happens that we are afraid of experiencing something in the future, when we already experienced it plenty in the past, and still, in the present. You wrote in your original post in regard to your former employers: “I should have seen all the signs of manipulative and violent people, but I was able to ignore it. Part of it was me being extremely naive and lonely. The other was growing up in a very dysfunctional family”.

    You wrote that you were able to ignore the true nature of your employers at the time because you were extremely lonely. The employers and some of the customers were very friendly, and some treated you like family: “Some of these terrible employers and customers even became part of my social group. It was actually a fun time and I had more social activity than I had in years. Some of them even considered me as family“.

    For a very lonely child=> a very lonely adult, when a group of people treats you like a valuable member of their social group, part of their esteemed family, and you experience a lot of positive social activity with them, it is intoxicating, it is like having a long-ago childhood dream come true… all the longing of childhood to belong, to be treated well… all that gets satisfied for a while, and it is fun and exciting: a powerful emotional experience!

    You wrote earlier: “Everyone around me knew what was going on behind the scenes except me” – maybe they knew because they did not grow up lonely, and therefore, they were not too excited by the friendly, family like atmosphere.

    I hope that you feel compassion for yourself for not knowing what was happening behind the scenes at the time, can’t blame the boy in you for being too excited, too invested in the dream.

    When you found out what the employers were about, you disappeared on them, blocked their numbers- I hope that you give yourself credit for not closing your eyes to what you knew, like the others.

    I wrote all the above before I noticed that you used the word dream yourself, in the last paragraph of your original post: “Everything in the past 3 years feels like a dream. Nothing feels real. Nothing really makes me excited or happy anymore. Everything feels flat, muted and gray” –

    – I think that when you awakened from the sweet dream of being a valued member of a family, a dream full of exciting colors and sounds and tastes… it was a rude awakening that left you feeling flat, muted and gray.

    Like I mentioned before, I would like to communicate with you further, so feel free to post anytime and I will be glad to read what you share and reply.

    anita

     

    #399924
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, PuChop?

    anita

    #400289
    puChop
    Participant

    To Helcat, yeah I have been thinking about changing jobs. I want a better paying job anyways. I’m just worried about the economy right now. Kinda worried that I’ll get a new job and then get layed off not long after.

    To Anita, you’re right. it was like a childhood dream coming true. I probably shouldn’t have read you reply when I was at work cos I thought I might start breaking down.

    My mood has been up and down lately. I’m under a lot of stress from other stuff I’m working on and it isn’t helping. I want to take a vacation. Even though it would just be a stay at home vacation I really need it. I just can’t afford to do that right now. It sucks. I feel so burned out.

    #400291
    anita
    Participant

    Dear puChop:

    Your childhood dream of being part of  a family where you belong, a family that values you, that was my dream too. Nothing can make up for that long lost time of lonely childhood. We  have to accept that loss, but not give up on the hope to find your person or your people where you will belong.

    I want to take a vacation…. I just can’t afford to do that right now… I feel so burned out” – how about an Imagination Vacation, we can imagine a lot of things and feel like it is really happening, can you do that?

    You wrote earlier: “Nothing really makes me excited or happy anymore. Everything feels flat, muted and gray” – you can imagine something that is not at all flat or mute or grey; something with depth and sound and color.

    Please post again.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by anita.
    #400319
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi PuChop!

    I’m sorry to hear that you’re under a lot of stress and that your mood has been up and down. Your concerns are understandable.

    Can you describe your ideal vacation? Perhaps you can’t go on that vacation right now. But maybe you can bring small pieces of it into your life now.

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