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I don’t know what happened to me

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Viewing 7 posts - 16 through 22 (of 22 total)
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  • #401487
    puChop
    Participant

    She did try to contact me through a couple of text messages and voice messages during the first two months I cut her off. She sounded sober on the last message she left for me, but it also seemed like she was just trying to blame her behavior on her illness. I don’t have a problem with the fact that only she only goes crazy when under the influence, but it felt like another manipulative attempt to bring me back into her life. I need her to understand that despite her illness and situation she needs to start taking responsibility for her own life. It’s not her fault that she grew up neglected and abused, but at our age she can’t keep going with that narrative. It may not feel fair or just, but picking ourselves up is often the only way to move forward as we get older. I can’t see any other way. She’s also friends with my past employers too. I introduced them to each other a while ago. I dunno if they’re still close friends after I ran from them. She did tell me she follows them on social media or something. I didn’t ask her any questions since it’s none of my business. But it still makes me feel weird.

    I can’t really share in detail the reasons for my anger without outing myself. This is why I chose to post here rather than reddit. One thing I can share is the constant isolation when I was growing up. Outside of school I had to stay home. Rarely had friends over or went over to their house. Parents told me everything is dangerous and that I’m too naive or incapable of handling real life like they could at the same age. When I got older I would talk about this to friends. I guess I was treating them like a free therapist cos they would find way to shut the subject down. They’ll tell me that they had struggles too because they were raised this way or that. That I’m not the only one who struggled. But they didn’t have the kind of lockdown restrictions I had growing up. They even said that my parents were extremely controlling.

    Then covid happened and many struggled with being isolated and quarantined. Especially children. Everyone can acknowledge this had a very negative impact of kids and it will affect their development for years to come. Maybe everyone that dismissed me can see it now? I’m not gloating. I don’t want kids to grow up like I did. It hurts a lot. I’m terrified on what kind of effect this will have on them. It really messed me up.

    I’m hoping people will understand better on how bad it was to grow up like this. But things have changed. I don’t really want to talk about this to anyone in real life anymore. Just on the internet when I need to vent. I’m older now so I have start picking myself up instead of whining about the past. It’s the only way to move forward. It’s just really hard doing that alone at an older age.

    #401488
    anita
    Participant

    Dear puChop:

    I read part of your recent post but I need to be more focused to read further and reply, so I will be back to you in a few hours or tomorrow morning (in about 15 hours from now).

    anita

    #401490
    anita
    Participant

    Dear puChop:

    You wrote about her: “she needs to take responsiblity for her own life. It’s not her fault that she grew up neglected and abused, but at our age, she can’t keep going with that narrative… picking ourselves up is often the only way to move forward as we get older”.

    About yourself, you wrote: “the constant isolation when I was growing up…I’m older now so I have to start picking myself up instead of whining about the past. It’s the only way to move forward”.

    It looks like you see yourself in her, both having had difficult childhood that wasn’t your faults, both having talked about it without results, both are older now, both need to take responsibility for your own lives, both down and therefore in need to be picked up  (“picking ourselves up… picking myself up”), both stuck backward and in need to move forward.

    Do you want the two of you to move up and forward together, as a couple?

    anita

    #401522
    puChop
    Participant

    I feel I have to pick myself up unless I want to be a hypocrite. I also have responsibilities to other people who are depending on me. I don’t want to be in a relationship with her. I just wanted a friend.

    A long time ago I went to see a therapist after going through something real bad. She told me I should start dating despite concerns about my own mental stability cos it would be good for me, and she thought that I would be a good partner to someone. She was more of a good actor and cheerleader than a therapist. I got hospitalized many times in the following years so I’m glad I stood my ground and stayed single. I just wanted to have friends back then. Same as today.

    My current state reminds me of people who want to act like infants and it creeps me out. It’s very childish that I want to experience something that makes me feel comfortable and safe while being close to people before getting into a relationship. I’m older now. I can’t keep going like this. I either have to just jump into the deep end of the pool or just stay in the shallow end.

    #401526
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    Hello puchop.  I hope you can take a holiday soon.  I was overdue for holidays which kept being put off.  Finally I took 2 weeks off when I was close to serious burnout.  I did as you are thinking.  Didn’t go away, partly forcfina mn coal reasons and tiredness.

     

    Just before I was supposed to go back to work a week ago, I became ill.  I’m certain burnout had a lot to do with it. Went to Dr again today and I’m likely not going to be well enough to go back to work until next week.

    It hasn’t been worth the toll on my health.  I’m sorry you are going through these issues.  I understand. I identify.

    Please take care of your health and yourself

    #401532
    anita
    Participant

    Dear puChop:

    It is interesting, that you characterized the therapist you had as “more of a good actor and cheerleader than a therpaist”. As a cheerleader, she advised you to start dating regardless of your concerns for your mental stability, an advice you rightly rejected.

    When you say: “I either have to just jump into the deep end of the pool or just stay in the shallow end” – what do you mean, in regard to what?

    anita

    #401908
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, puChop- better I hope?

    anita

Viewing 7 posts - 16 through 22 (of 22 total)

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