Now on a personal level, I agree with most part of what both of you wrote to me. I am genuinely afraid to not be worth of love. What attracts me in those broken boys, I do think it is a mirror effect: they are afraid of being loved and loving someone because they don’t feel good enough about themselves. Birds of a feather flock together, right? I did share strong and deep emotional connexion with the last one, because the two of us felt genuinely seen and understood. We accepted each other’s flaws because this is what we wanted from people; we knew we were broken, we knew people didn’t see our true colors and categorized us somewhere we didn’t want to be. How sweet it was to finally find someone who would maybe understand how you work and would live at the same pace as you?

Then, it just hit me a few days ago: while I was embracing him for his whole, he was being ok with me until he fully took conscious of which kind of person I am. I am not talking about my flaws but rather the positive notes within me and the life I choose to have as well as my background. He pushed me away because my bright sides made him feel inadequate, uncomfortable about himself and his own life. For as long as I could share with him my anxiety, my sadness and my traumas, he was here, making me feel safe and reassuring me. But.. from the moment I was sharing my successes, he was obviously genuinely happy, because he is not an evil person at all, yet at the same time, he knew he couldn’t do the same; sharing his professional and personal success.

It’s hard to fully accept when he said that I did nothing wrong and he actually loves to be around me because he was “constantly amazed by my personality and my successes” that.. indeed, nothing wrong happened between me and him and as Tee wrote “his rejection of you is in fact his deeper rejection of himself”. Because deep down, I was questioning myself, then if nothing was wrong and if he was genuinely happy with me, how comes he broke up? If everything was that fine between us, if he decided to leave me, then it just meant that I wasn’t good enough, despite me trying so hard, it wasn’t enough and him not telling me what he didn’t like which led him to break up, how was I supposed to improve in order to reach “his standards”? “Unfortunately there is nothing you can say or do to convince him that he is good enough for you, or good enough in general. He would need to heal that wound first.”

At the end, he admired my qualities and my life,  loved my flaws but couldn’t piece all of these together. The real me is the combination of everything. One of my best friends told me recently that being with someone is not only about matching a personality but also about being on the same page when it comes to personal and professional goals. Even if in 1 year he finally started to move forwards in his life, we wouldn’t be on the same page I think. Because if we both ended up at the same level here, then it would have meant that I wouldn’t have made much progresses from my side and I am at this point where everything is moving super fast for me.

My current relation is not perfect and does not necessarily full-fill my expectations when it comes to romantic partners. But for now I know he is good for me, we are both on the same professional page, we get along very well and it helps me a lot to move on. I don’t think it will last forever but I really appreciate him, we both share the same level of ambition and just like me he as a lot of projects going on: right now he is in France, in Strasbourg, taking part as speaker in conferences at the Council of Europe on behalf of our UN national office as their youth representative.

I mean, I need to be able to focus on myself and I don’t know, maybe it’s not the right way to do so but I feel like having a partner who is more professional/romantic than purely romantic is kind of helpful and boost me to keep succeeding in whatever I feel like it personally.