Dear anita,

are you okay with continuing this discussion? i just want to be sure about that, because i dont want you to feel pressured in any way to continue investing your time and thoughts if you feel like you said enough. i dont and cant pay you any more in return for your work than expressions about my honest appreciation.

,,so you believed that the bad part or parts of you caused another person to treat you accordingly, as in: bad treatment for bad Ed, justice served. Right?” – yes. me writing this was part of me saying what i learned, not something more for debate, because i think we did discuss this enough (?), at least for my part.

i cant really say when my ex started gaslighting, it was more like me feeling increasingly uneasy with things she said or how she behaved. the most common moments which felt wrong were mostly when i tried to talk to her about the state of the relationship, her and my feelings. after her behaviour towards me changed, i tried to talk to her about that for a long time. in the beginning she told me that she would be sorry, that she was ,,going to do better” (i am still confused about that wording) and that she wouldnt know why she grew increasingly distanced. after half a year later and things getting worse she told me that ,,things wouldnt be so bad” as i made them out to be, that she would be doing ,,so much” for me and that i wouldnt recognize all those things and that i would be wrong about my point of view.

she would also deny having said certain things in arguments or altering them slightly to make them sound less harsh. for example at one point, she admitted to let off steam by being mean or aggressive to me and when i later wanted to talk about that she pretended to be unsure about her having said that.

after reading again about the definition of gaslighting, i can add her telling people we both knew at the time how irresponsible i was concerning my mental health and that i would be getting worse. up to the point when 2 former friends approached me to tell me that i should end the relationship and when i asked my ex later what she told them about me, she denied ever telling them something. later another former friend told me that she did vent to him about me.

i have thought a lot about me having made a mistake concerning my feelings and perspective for a long time and i am afraid of me being wrong all along. then again she would behave like i used to know her when with friends or family and then suddenly change when she was with me alone.

gaslighting was pretty common with my parents. it would start with little lies about food me or my siblings bought for ourselves; when my parents ate it and told us that it was never there. promises my parents made but then denied ever making. accusations or hurtful things they said but then also denied ever saying.

still with gratitude,

Ed