Hi Tee,

However, if your distress is quite big and a simple hug isn’t enough to make you feel better – she gets impatient with you and then you end up feeling like with your father:

You end up feeling unlovable and unworthy with her too…

This is true and I didn’t know how to put that feeling into exact words. All I know is that whenever she would lash out at me, I would feel so alone and unlovable because I feel like if my own parents can’t handle me then no one in the world can or even wants to. That feeling is so scary and I get too scared to even talk to my mother because I feel like she hates me and is not someone I can rely on anymore. I don’t have a large support system either so that makes me feel so alone and like no one understands me.

What you would need is to realize and accept that you’ll never get the kind of support you hope for from your family, because their ability to do so is limited

Try to accept that they won’t be able to give you the kind of emotional support you need, and that that’s okay – because you can get it elsewhere and give it to yourself too.

This is so kind and this acceptance makes me feel a bit better. This makes me feel like I have a choice going forward and don’t need to explain to my parents anymore.

Another very important thing would be to realize that you aren’t unlovable and unworthy for feeling anxious and emotionally distressed. You aren’t less worthy because you are vulnerable or because you show vulnerability. You are completely lovable and worthy, even if you feel emotionally distressed.

This is what you’d need to realize and tell yourself in times of emotional turmoil. You can tell yourself: “I am allowed to feel anxious. I am lovable and worthy, even if I feel anxious”.

This is such a hard thing to say to myself whenever I’m going through a hard time, but I think it’s exactly what I’m looking for. I feel so weak during my vulnerable moments, and it makes me feel even worse when other people will tell me or make me feel like I am unlovable or a burden. I really like that last phrase, “I am allowed to feel anxious. I am lovable and worthy, even if I feel anxious.” Because I believe this is true for everyone. I am easily able to tell an anxious friend how lovable they are but I don’t tell myself that. I think I get so caught up in the physical sensations in my body that I can’t think rationally. All I can feel is fear in those moments.

Thank you for these kind words and support. I am definitely trying to extend my support system and gain support from a therapist. I think what’s holding me back is starting from square one again. I don’t know if I will get along with the therapist, I don’t know if I can trust them and open up because I am afraid of them being dismissive (I know therapists won’t do this but still have the fear!), I don’t know if it will be helpful, and part of me feels guilty for even seeking support in the first place. It seems pricey, I feel undeserving, and I feel discouraged sometimes when I look at all the times in my past when I’ve reached out for help. I think the best help I’ve received was when I was 15 from my school counsellor. She was easy to talk to and I could trust her and relate to her, it’s just that we couldn’t talk as often because she had other students. Then after that all the other counsellors I’ve had I couldn’t get along with because they either never understood me or were dismissive. It feels like every time I opened up to someone they misunderstood me or invalidated my feelings. I think my first counsellor understood me because she would listen to everything I said and respond to it, whereas when I would share my story or thoughts with other counsellors they would only respond to the general problem. This made me feel like they are just listening to my general problem and sharing as many solutions as they can, instead of empathizing and really understanding then sharing support best fit for me. Then after so many years I got so discouraged and gave up on seeking support entirely, and depended on my family. But now I’m feeling discouraged because they can’t even support me. So now I’m feeling like I need to gain support elsewhere, it’s just that it’s scary and I don’t know how it will be, and if I will get discouraged again because it will be exactly like before. I am grateful for everyone that has supported me this far, whether or not they are even in my life. Such as old friends, family, and strangers. I have met people that have understood me and listened to what I had to say. This makes me feel validated. Thank you Tee for the help, I feel a little less afraid because I am reminded that there are such kind people in this world that want nothing but the best for you!