Hi there again

I am trying to be at peace with my parents.Although I calm on the outside I talk to them but things have changed.Yes there are things in our family,my parents do have issues. It’s 24/7 of fighting and blaming each other, using abusive words. But in all this chaos me and my mother we were close I have been listening to her stories all over again and again whole my life. After 5th standard i was sent to live with my maternal grandparents. I completed my studies there. Because my father was working in some far away place where he couldn’t take me and for my mother it was difficult to take care of me with work as there was no good school nearby. Still I was close to them. But now after this incident even when i talk it has left this void that doesn’t feel like it’ll be filled ever again. I don’t have anyone. No one except my parents in the name of family.And with them too it feels so superficial not to them but to me. I feel so lonely.My throat is hurting even writing this but i am finding it very hard. I know I am not going to have fights or discussion about this now but i haven’t been able to hug them or call them maa papa after the incident. Everyone says don’t spoil your relationship with your parents atleast. I try. I try and try but then I fail. I have become indifferent towards their emotions as they have become towards mine. And this indifference has left me lonely kind off. I have no sibling . I have friends but how many you can tell someone same thing again and again. I have lost interest in the things I used to like. It’s just like I am carrying myself and dragging myself with no sense of connection to anything. I even considered a doctor because I was finding even getting up from the bed very hard. She said I had symptoms of depression.And gave me prescription. I didn’t take the medicines as I don’t wanted to suppress my emotions and sadness as it was there for a reason. Friends say eventually things will sort out work on your career.I am capable of things But my mind it just keeps me in this state of confusion that I don’t know what i want to do further. Then it feels like i want to sleep atleast for a month. Earlier i used to meditate and loved  gardening but it’s not same anymore. I find it very hard to concentrate on one thing. It just feels like having a body with no sense of self and connection to God to anyone around.