Dear Sushmita:

“My parents do have issues. It’s 24/7 of fighting and blaming each other, using abusive words”- having parents who fight 24/7 has been bad for you, but you found a place in the chaotic scene of your parents, the place (role, job) of The Counselor:

“in all this chaos me and my mother we were close I have been listening to her stories all over again and again whole my life… I tried to help my parents again and again by trying to make them understand that issues they are fighting for are not worth it“- you provided your mother with individual counseling and you provided both your parents with marital counseling. This job gave you meaning, it made you feel that you have an important place in the family.

“Many times previously before this incident, I tried to sort things out between me and my father“- as The Counselor, you tried to fix the relationship between you and your father.

“but then one fine day we’ll end up in a heated debate, then only when we stopped talking to each other there was peace in the house. I feel shattered.. so much burdened by the pressure of taking care of your parents“- your job as The Counselor was impossible to succeed because even if your parents attended couple counseling with the most competent, professional marital counselor, she/ he n(the counselor) could have easily failed to cause any long-term positive change in your parents’ chaotic and aggressive relationship.

I think that you recently realized that you failed at your job and that you therefore lost your place in the family. I hope that you don’t try to resume the job of The Counselor in the context of your parents.

“I was close to them. But now after this incident even when I talk it has left this void that doesn’t feel like it’ll be filled ever again. I don’t have anyone…with them too it feels so superficial… I haven’t been able to hug them or call them maa papa after the incident… It’s just like I am carrying myself and dragging myself with no sense of connection to anything…It just feels like having a body with no sense of self and connection to God to anyone around“- I think that you lost your job and place within the family, and therefore you lost the CONNECTION to them and to yourself. That loss of connection is the void you mentioned.

Depression is what fills the void left after losing connection to people.

“I feel scared that If I don’t get out of this I will be left lonely forever” – you will not be lonely forever. It only feels this way.

“My father used to say.. “- it shouldn’t matter what he used to say or what he says now because there is no wisdom in what he says: if there was, his marriage wouldn’t still have issues 24/7.

“I have given up on them now. I consider myself very empathetic person but it now feels like curse to me. I used to see love everywhere around me. In the animals flowers“- counselors need empathy so to be able to help their clients. Your empathy grew and grew through the years you acted like a counselor. Empathy feels like a curse now, but it will serve you well in the future. Your interests in animals and flowers, in gardening, etc., will return. Give it time.

“I have friends but how many you can tell someone same thing again and again”- you are welcome to post here the same thing again and again. I am interested in reading from you and will reply whenever you post!

anita