Dear Eric:

You are welcome.

“What I don’t like is… she told me she’s not ready for a relationship but acts like she’s desperate for attention, it doesn’t make sense…. I prefer girls with a bit calmer side“- you prefer (1) girls who do not act like they are desperate for attention, girls who are calmer when it comes to seeking attention, (2) girls who are honest: when they say that they are not ready for a relationship=> they don’t seek the attention of guys. What they say (their words) and what they do (their actions) needs to fit.

Did I understand correctly?

“Yes, I can say that I’m pretty good at communicating with people ‘online’, because it’s easier…. Whereas in real life I’m not that confident with my body and facial features… so I keep being cautious when I talk…. Like I don’t want people to make sure I have asymmetrical teeth when I laugh… And also when we talk on real life we need to think faster” –

– it will take the courage to overcome your self-consciousness= the nervous or uncomfortable feeling that you have when you are worried that people think negatively about you.

I want to make a little research on guys’ self-consciousness when it comes to girls, I hope that you have the patience to read it (I did minor editing of punctuation and pronouns for easier reading):

girls ask guys. com/ What are guys self-conscious about when they’re around a girl?: (3 of the answers):  (1) “Mostly if I’m being weird or not. I can be a bit awkward at first and don’t really like small talk, so I sometimes worry that I give too much of an awkward and anti-social vibe. Then I guess, like everyone, I question if she thinks I look good or not etc.” (2) “…I was self-conscious of many things: my looks, how I smelled, what I said, how I danced, was I physically strong enough, breaking the touch barrier, trying not to come off as a creep, staring at her breasts too long, lack of fashion with my clothes.” (3) “Everything”.

pyar. com/ 7 ways to avoid feeling self-conscious on a date: “If you are single and looking for a potential partner, you’re likely familiar with anxieties of dating… At times, however, this social anxiety, shyness or fear of rejection ends up holding you back. It prevents you from having the love life you want. Reduce and control those feelings with the following tips.

1. Admit your anxiety…  identify where your anxiety comes from and address it…2. Don’t hide your anxiety… Keeping your feelings a secret will only make you more anxious…  Telling your date that you’re feeling nervous will ease your mind, and your date will probably respond positively… especially if she feels the same way. 3. Practice some relaxation techniques…  before embarking on your date…  4. Have a positive but realistic perspective- If you are worried your date will be critical of you, remember that she is probably just as nervous and hoping it will go well… 5. Focus on having fun… pretend you’re hanging out with an old friend… 6. Focus on the other person. Really pay attention to what your potential partner is saying. Listen to her words. Read her body language, expressions and eye contact. Focus on communicating with her… Stay outside of yourself and ignore your internal reactions. This helps you to engage more, because you are less preoccupied with your own anxiety. 7. Learn something new from her… What can you learn from this person? Be curious about her life. Also, offer something about yourself that you particularly like…”

* On another website I read a list of what guys say that girls are self-conscious about when it comes to dating guys: “messy hair… ugly laugh… freckles… blushing..  teeth… glasses.. her eyebrows don’t being symmetrical.. scars… height, or lack thereof.. exceptionally tall women and exceptionally short women…  women tend to be self-conscious about their height… thick thighs.. imperfect noses… small boobs.. snorting when they laugh.. big boobs.. no tan.. shyness”.

psych alive. org/ self-consciousness: “self-consciousness often describes an exaggerated focus or uncomfortable attitude we have about ourselves and how we are perceived..  it can alter our behavior in ways that aren’t representative of who we really are or how we would naturally interact…

“As human beings, we exist in a highly social environment. How we’re seen is important in determining whether we’ll be chosen – be it for a school, a job, or a date. However, nowadays, we seem to live in a culture in which we are more visible than ever. Social media and the new pressures that come with it can cause us increased levels of anxiety and self-consciousness, as we no longer just have concerns about how we’re perceived face-to-face, but how we’re represented virtually…

“Our critical inner voices are embedded in our earliest childhood experiences and are reinforced throughout childhood, adolescence, and into adulthood…

“When people feel self-conscious, they often express fears of standing out or making a fool of themselves. Common ‘voices’ expressed in relation to self-consciousness include: *You’re so ugly. No one wants to look at you. *You’re boring. You have nothing to say. *You’re so awkward. You make people uncomfortable…. No one will ever love you…. Ugh, you just made a fool of yourself. They’re laughing at you… When we listen to our critical inner voice, we tend to become more self-conscious. We may take its advice to isolate ourselves and not take chances or put ourselves out there, then punish ourselves with critical thoughts like, ‘You’re such a loser’…

“So, how can we reduce our self-consciousness? 1. Stand up to your inner critic… Identifying your specific voice… Reflecting on where these negative thoughts may have originated… Responding to your inner critic with a realistic, compassionate point of view…2. Treat yourself like a friend… 3. Keep your sense of humor… 4. Remember that it’s all in your head- In something known as the ‘spotlight effect,’ researchers found that ‘people [often significantly] overestimate the extent to which their actions and appearance are noted by others.’… If we can accept this reality, we can free ourselves of a lot of unnecessary self-consciousness. 5. Embrace vulnerability as a sign of strength Researcher Brene Brown… pointed out that ‘vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It’s tough to do that when we’re terrified about what people might see or think.’ Allowing ourselves to be seen for who we are can feel scary… The more we can embrace being ourselves as a sign of strength, the stronger we will feel in everything we do. Vulnerability may seem like an unlikely adversary to self-consciousness, but it is one of the most important tools we can adopt to make real connections and feel more comfortable in our skin.”

* Please take your time, Eric, reading, re-reading and reflecting on the quotes above, and then let me know what you think.

“Another thing… relationships about an act of a man persuading a woman to follow his life? Because in my culture here boys are most likely to stay in the same city with his parents or live in the same home. To take care of them on their older days. Whereas girls have more freedom so they’ll join her husband’s house… There are several girls in my city that I find attractive, but most of them attend uni outside my city or a different country nearby my city… and I bet they plan to work there (not on my city)… and this is what worries me the most…. Idk if they’ll get persuaded to be with me… My city is small and boring… Do u have any opinions regarding this kind of situation?“-

– (1) In my communication with women from India, having a similar culture to yours in regard to the above, they have more freedom when it comes to not having to stay with their parents, but they often do not experience freedom living with the husband’s parents. Many wives get mistreated by the husband’s parents with whom they live every day, (2) As far as persuading a woman to live with you in your small and boring city- some women like small and boring, I do. I prefer a small town over a big city. I prefer to be around a few people and avoid parties and events where a lot of people attend. I prefer quietness and avoid loud noises and loud music. There are other people like me, of different ages, including your age.

anita