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Any tips in how to solve communication problems?

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  • This topic has 96 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 2 days ago by anita.
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  • #403367
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    Do you believe the phrase that ‘soulmates will eventually end up together’?“- No. I don’t believe (1) in a divine force that knows or cares to know the thoughts and feelings of billions of people,  (2) such that identifies millions of pairs of people who are very suited for each other, and (3) orchestrates the circumstances for each pair to meet and live happily ever after.

    I can feel that I’m getting a stronger heart in myself..“- good to read this!

    How I wish that I can have this version of myself 5 years ago…if I had this version of me… my life in unit wasn’t fun… “- one day you will be strong enough to no longer engage in ROON (Regret-Obsession)

    But then I remember your words in the previous thread: ‘God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..‘”- I am touched that something from what I posted to you came to your mind when you were in the middle of a ROON. Indeed the past is something that no one can change. It’s gone. It does not exist.

    Whenever you feel/think a ROON do a NPR: Notice it, Pause and Redirect your attention to something else.

    Since my high school days, I’ve always wanted most of the scenarios and fantasy’s in my brain to happen in my life, but none of it happen” – it’s too easy to fantasize: everything can happen in Fantasy, and it can happen anywhere/ anytime we want it to happen, quickly and easily: no work required, no courage… just Think it and there it is: Fantasy!

    My life now is very monotone” – try today (or tomorrow, when there is light outside) to walk outside and listen: listen to new tones that you didn’t notice before; look for colors and shapes that you didn’t notice before. Multi-tone your life just a bit!

    As painful as it is, I’ll still keep striving for a better tomorrow“- this is  Strong Eric.. once again, I am proud of you!

    anita

    #404274
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita

    It’s been 2 weeks since i open this website….

     

    Regarding the girl i’m obsessed with, today i muted her posts and stories on instagram so i’ll not see any of her life… and i bet she’ll also notice how i stop viewing her stories….

    Few days ago i keep posting stories to impress her, creating stories with lousy captions because she likes lame jokes…. I did this only to impress her… but i realize if i keep doing this… all the other girls will feel un attracted to me with those lame jokes who i might be with instead of her…..

    I think it’s for the best…. If i muted her so that i can cut off every hope with her…. It’s really hard, but i dont want to act like a fool and keep posting that kind of stories only to impress her… when she didnt even reply me….. I dont want to waste any more time with her….. it’s been a year after the separation and i still have thoughts about her…. I really want to cut those feelings…. I’m so so disappointed in myself…..

    Whenever i have thoughts about her, i cant focus on my life… all i’m thinking is that she’s the future for me…. And it’s insane if i keep thinking that way…. Starting today i’ll kill all those hopes….

    I hope i can find someone better than her, regardless of my insecurities and weaknesses…

     

     

    Also these past few weeks i have several conversations with people older than me, and i realized that relationships are much bigger than i thought it’d be…. I always thought if both parties love each other and there’s no quarrel, its enough…..

    But i was wrong….

    Both must have the same core value, clear vision and mindset for the future,

    All of it must align….

    The more i think of it, finding the right person is a really hard task….

    #404275
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    I will be back to your thread and reply in about 9 hors from now.

    anita

    #404288
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    I noticed that you didn’t post for two weeks. During these two weeks I wondered about you, what you might be doing, how you are feeling.

    Regarding the girl I’m obsessed with, today I muted her posts and stories on Instagram so I’ll not see any of her life… and I bet she’ll also notice how I stop viewing her stories“- seems to me that you muted her posts not only so that you don’t see any of her life, but also so to send her a message, by muting her, that you are not viewing her stories.

    Few days ago I keep posting stories to impress her, creating stories with lousy captions because she likes lame jokes…“- before you muted her, you tried to get her attention by posting your stories with lame jokes. Then you thought to yourself that other girls reading your stories may not like those lame jokes and be unattracted to you.

    she didn’t even reply to me“- a month and a day ago, on June 19, you felt that she posted a song that was meant for you (“I can’t stop thinking of her singing that song….. I feel that I know her, and that song is meant for me… I’m pretty sure this feeling is true”), and I replied: “sometimes we need to believe that something is true so much that we deeply feel that it is true, even though objectively, it’s not true. This kind of feeling-thinking is called Emotional Reasoning: we reason something to be true because we emotionally need it to be true”, and in another reply I advised you the following: “If she didn’t contact you directly and tell you that she has feelings for you and that she wants to date you- assume that she does not have feelings for you and that she does not want to date you. Don’t rely on what you think she thinks and what you feel that she feels. Rely on her direct actions instead”.

    Back to your recent post: “I think it’s for the best…. If I muted her so that I can cut off every hope with her…. It’s really hard” – I agree that it’s for the best and that it is or will be really hard for you to keep her posts muted.

    I don’t want to act like a fool and keep posting that kind of stories only to impress her” -it’s not foolish for a young man to try to impress a young woman in whom he is interested. It is foolish only if you continue to try to impress her by sending her a 4th story after she didn’t reply to your 1st, 2nd and 3rd.

    Think of your actions in terms of purpose. You posted the first few stories with lame jokes for the purpose of getting her attention and impressing her enough so that she replies to your stories. She doesn’t reply? – Abort the mission: stop posting stories with lame jokes.

    I really want to cut those feelings…. I’m so so disappointed in myself….. Starting today I’ll kill all those hopes“- notice the words you use in regard to your feelings: cut those feelings, kill all those hopes. These are violent words. It means that you really hate these feelings. But these are not bad or dangerous feelings that need to be cut and killed.

    The more you hate your feelings, the more they will stay and the more power they have. So try to not hate these feelings, and to not be disappointed in yourself for feeling anything at all that you feel, including love, longing and hope. Instead of fighting against your feelings, direct your actions with purpose in mind.

    Whenever I have thoughts about her, I cant focus on my life… all I’m thinking is that she’s the future for me…. And it’s insane if I keep thinking that way“- obsessive thinking is insane, I suppose. There are psychiatric medications that are prescribed to people who suffer from obsessive thinking. Some of those medications … cut off the obsessive thinking like a pair of scissors, making it possible for the person to focus on one’s life.

    Not long ago I mentioned the NPR strategy to you. Here it would apply this way: Notice when you think about her, Pause, Redirect your attention elsewhere. Incorporating mindful breathing and guided meditations with the theme of mindfulness will help.

    I hope I can find someone better than her, regardless of my insecurities and weaknesses“- I hope you find a young woman who is a good person, kind and caring and who would love you. All men (and women) experience insecurities and weaknesses: some focus on their insecurity and weaknesses more than others. Focus on your strengths and you will be better for it.

    These past few weeks I have several conversations with people older than me, and I realized that (in) relationships…both must have the same core value, clear vision and mindset for the future, All of it must align…. The more I think of it, finding the right person is a really hard task“- I agree and will add that the mindset of the two people in a relationship cannot be identical and perfectly aligned. It needs to be close enough.

    You can make a loving relationship happen in your life when you (1)  Avoid emotional reasoning, (2) Accept your feelings instead of hating them and fighting them, and (3) Put purpose into your actions, (4) Focus on your strengths, not on your weaknesses.

    anita

    #404293
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Eric!

    Sorry I was taking a break from tiny buddha.

    It sounds like you have been very busy! I was glad to read that you are working on developing new skills and hobbies. Spoke to a member at the gym and became interested in a girl.

    It sounds like you are making healthy decisions regarding no longer pursuing that girl since she hasn’t shown interest.

    Regarding the graphic design. There may be local charities who need help with graphic esign, if you don’t mind volunteering. It’s a good way to build a portfolio.

    You are right, relationships and finding a partner are very tricky. But not impossible!

    Something that has been helping me recently is visualising what I want to happen in detail.
    Apparently, it triggers the same brain cells etc as if you were doing the task.

    I am learning to drive at the moment. I have been learning for a couple of years now, but I have a learning difficulty that makes it more difficult to do so.

    I have been making notes of mistakes that I make after lessons and visualising doing the action correctly. I find that this practice has been helping. I’m finally at the stage where I’m preparing for my practical test.

    We learn by making mistakes, but it can lead to success!

    #404562
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    Thinking about you, Eric, hoping you are okay, or even better than okay…?

    anita

    #404578
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you for your concern about me…

    You can make a loving relationship happen in your life when you (1)  Avoid emotional reasoning, (2) Accept your feelings instead of hating them and fighting them, and (3) Put purpose into your actions, (4) Focus on your strengths, not on your weaknesses.

     

    = Right now i’m in the state of convincing my mind that she has lost interest in me, and my mind seem to obey it….

    Regarding accepting my feelings, i’ve decided to look at her stories and posts again instead of muting it, but i wont text her ever again…. Because even if i muted her i still keep wondering and the outcome is the same, so it’s pointless…

    Tbh liking her is one of the greatest mistake i ever did in my life, it really disrupts my mind and giving me lots of anxiety….. Because she’s a girl with a bit of coquettish attitude and has attention seeking traits…. So for a guy who used to have a romantic bond with her, it’ll be hard to move on….

    Just like how today i saw her posting a selfie on her instagram stories…. In that selfie, as usual she writes a caption that for me seems like “attention seeking”… Every time i saw her posting related to her appearance, i’ll get triggered easily and get mad… i feel like i need to be better than her… and tbh i still feel that way… The difference is that i can convince my mind now that i’m going to find another girl instead of waiting for her… and yes i did use the NPR method here…

     

    I also wont post any stories with lame jokes or something like that anymore, i’m done with doing those kind of things to impress her…. Right now i’ll post stories to impress other girls…

     

    Few days ago i went to a temple, i pray so that i will be guided to the right path of my relationship life,

    because everyday i struggle with anxiety due to this…. I hope i can overcome this “relationship phase”

    I pray that i’d be given an easier path to meet the right person that i’ll marry one day…. And i hope it’ll be someone that i really in love with… and vice versa…

     

    And also you said that i need to focus on my strengths, i feel like i’m still not good at communicating with people… and i feel like i need to improve it…. Because i never dated anyone in real life…. my only experience is texting by phone…

     

    Tbh sometimes i’m also grateful for all the life lessons that i’ve learnt till now…. I can manage my emotions better now. I just hope that all the anxiety i’m feeling everyday could be reduced little by little….

    #404582
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    I won’t text her ever again… I also won’t post any stories with lame jokes or something like that anymore, I’m done with doing those kind of things to impress her“- wise choices, I say!

    Right now I’ll post stories to impress other girls“- you have real strengths to impress them with (ex. of a strength: your ability to make wise choices, such as the above).

    Tbh liking her is one of the greatest mistake I ever did in my life, it really disrupts my mind and giving me lots of anxiety….. Because she’s a girl with a bit of coquettish attitude and has attention seeking traits“- (1) it wasn’t really a mistake to like her, because liking someone (or something) is not a matter of rational choosing. It’s a feeling. (2) I am guessing that this means that in the future you will not try to impress another girl who is coquettish and attention seeking?

    It will be helpful if you have a clear enough picture in your mind of the physical and/ or mental traits to look for in a young woman.

    You said that I need to focus on my strengths, I feel like I’m still not good at communicating with people… and I feel like I need to improve it…. Because I never dated anyone in real life…. my only experience is texting by phone“- I noticed a long time ago that you are pretty good at communicating with people right here on your thread, including in your most recent post: (1) you address me kindly (Dear anita) just as I address you, (2) you thank me, (3) you show me that you read what I wrote to you by quoting and responding to it, and you have let me know that you paid attention to my NPR suggestion and applied it: “and yes i did use the NPR method here”,  (5) you ended your post optimistically, perhaps because you know that I encourage this attitude.

    All you have to do in real life is transfer the 1-5 above to your future relationship with a young woman: address her in a way she likes to be addressed, thank her when she says or does something kind, listen to her and show her that you listen to her by repeating something she said, and showing her that you took what she said seriously enough to apply it. These are big items of good communication that you can transfer from one medium to another.

    Few days ago I went to a temple, I pray so that I will be guided to the right path of my relationship life“- excellent: you took a real-life step (away from the computer/ phone) toward your future relationship!

    I pray that I’d be given an easier path to meet the right person that I’ll marry one day…. And I hope it’ll be someone that I really in love with… and vice versa“- it can happen for you: you have what it takes to make this happen!

    Tbh sometimes I’m also grateful for all the life lessons that I’ve learnt till now…. I can manage my emotions better now. I just hope that all the anxiety I’m feeling everyday could be reduced little by little“- this is the optimistic ending of your post, which I referred to: you acknowledged that you learned life lessons and that you made progress in managing your emotions,  you expressed gratitude and your hope for reduced anxiety.

    I said it before, and I’ll say it again: I am proud of you, Eric!

    anita

    #404616
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you once again, for praising my improvements!

     

    It will be helpful if you have a clear enough picture in your mind of the physical and/ or mental traits to look for in a young woman.

    I’m really attracted to girls with more or less the same appearance as that girl i used to have a crush on for a long time, and i’m okay if she has a bit of coquettish side…. What i don’t like is if she looks like she forces herself to gain attention just like how that girl did on her social media, like she told me she’s not ready for a relationship but acts like she’s desperate for attention, it doesn’t make sense…. I prefer girls with a bit calmer side….

     

    I noticed a long time ago that you are pretty good at communicating with people right here on your thread, including in your most recent post

    Yes, i can say that i’m pretty good at communicating with people “online”, because it’s easier…. Whereas in real life i’m not that confident with my body and facial features… so i keep being cautious when i talk…. Like i don’t want people to make sure i have a asymmetrical teeth when i laugh… And also when we talk on real life we need to think faster….

     

     

    Another thing…..
    What i’m curious is that, is relationships about an act of a man persuading a woman to follow his life?

    Because in my culture here boys are most likely to stay in the same city with his parents or live in the same home. To take care of them on their older days. Whereas girls have more freedom so they’ll join her husband’s house…

    For example: i have a little sister, if she marries someone from a different city/country, she’ll go there and leave our home…. While me, i’ll stay and my future wife will join me…..

    There are several girls in my city that i find attractive, but most of them attend uni outside my city or a different country nearby my city… and i bet they plan to work there (not on my city)….

    I plan to get to know them by texting on their social media….. and this is what worries me the most…. Idk if they’ll get persuaded to be with me…..

    There are lots of reasons why they shouldn’t be persuaded, such as:

    It’ll be a ldr relationship, i’ve experienced rejection from that girl who i used to have a crush on for a long time…. Idk to get rejected twice

    My city is small and boring….

    I still have lots of weaknesses (i know you said to focus on our strengths) and i’m unattractive….

    also we get to know each other from social media and not from real life interaction…..

    Do u have any opinions regarding this kind of situation?

     

    This is also one of the lessons that i learnt: relationships are really that hard…. Sometimes we need luck too…. Family conditions also play a part in relationships…..

     

    #404618
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    It is getting late here. I read just a bit of your recent post and will  be back to your thread Wed morning, in about 10 hors from now.

    anita

    #404628
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    You are welcome.

    What I don’t like is… she told me she’s not ready for a relationship but acts like she’s desperate for attention, it doesn’t make sense…. I prefer girls with a bit calmer side“- you prefer (1) girls who do not act like they are desperate for attention, girls who are calmer when it comes to seeking attention, (2) girls who are honest: when they say that they are not ready for a relationship=> they don’t seek the attention of guys. What they say (their words) and what they do (their actions) needs to fit.

    Did I understand correctly?

    Yes, I can say that I’m pretty good at communicating with people ‘online’, because it’s easier…. Whereas in real life I’m not that confident with my body and facial features… so I keep being cautious when I talk…. Like I don’t want people to make sure I have asymmetrical teeth when I laugh… And also when we talk on real life we need to think faster” –

    – it will take the courage to overcome your self-consciousness= the nervous or uncomfortable feeling that you have when you are worried that people think negatively about you.

    I want to make a little research on guys’ self-consciousness when it comes to girls, I hope that you have the patience to read it (I did minor editing of punctuation and pronouns for easier reading):

    girls ask guys. com/ What are guys self-conscious about when they’re around a girl?: (3 of the answers):  (1) “Mostly if I’m being weird or not. I can be a bit awkward at first and don’t really like small talk, so I sometimes worry that I give too much of an awkward and anti-social vibe. Then I guess, like everyone, I question if she thinks I look good or not etc.” (2) “…I was self-conscious of many things: my looks, how I smelled, what I said, how I danced, was I physically strong enough, breaking the touch barrier, trying not to come off as a creep, staring at her breasts too long, lack of fashion with my clothes.” (3) “Everything”.

    pyar. com/ 7 ways to avoid feeling self-conscious on a date: “If you are single and looking for a potential partner, you’re likely familiar with anxieties of dating… At times, however, this social anxiety, shyness or fear of rejection ends up holding you back. It prevents you from having the love life you want. Reduce and control those feelings with the following tips.

    <span class=”shd”>1. Admit your anxiety… </span> identify where your anxiety comes from and address it…<span class=”shd”>2. Don’t hide your anxiety… </span>Keeping your feelings a secret will only make you more anxious…  Telling your date that you’re feeling nervous will ease your mind, and your date will probably respond positively… especially if she feels the same way. <span class=”shd”>3. Practice some relaxation techniques…  before embarking on your date…  </span><span class=”shd”>4. Have a positive but realistic perspective- </span>If you are worried your date will be critical of you, remember that she is probably just as nervous and hoping it will go well… <span class=”shd”>5. Focus on having fun… </span>pretend you’re hanging out with an old friend… <span class=”shd”>6. Focus on the other person. </span>Really pay attention to what your potential partner is saying. Listen to her words. Read her body language, expressions and eye contact. Focus on communicating with her… Stay outside of yourself and ignore your internal reactions. This helps you to engage more, because you are less preoccupied with your own anxiety. <span class=”shd”>7. Learn something new from her… </span>What can you learn from this person? Be curious about her life. Also, offer something about yourself that you particularly like…”

    * On another website I read a list of what guys say that girls are self-conscious about when it comes to dating guys: “messy hair… ugly laugh… freckles… blushing..  teeth… glasses.. her eyebrows don’t being symmetrical.. scars… height, or lack thereof.. exceptionally tall women and exceptionally short women…  women tend to be self-conscious about their height… thick thighs.. imperfect noses… small boobs.. snorting when they laugh.. big boobs.. no tan.. shyness”.

    psych alive. org/ self-consciousness: “self-consciousness often describes an exaggerated focus or uncomfortable attitude we have about ourselves and how we are perceived..  it can alter our behavior in ways that aren’t representative of who we really are or how we would naturally interact…

    “As human beings, we exist in a highly social environment. How we’re seen is important in determining whether we’ll be chosen – be it for a school, a job, or a date. However, nowadays, we seem to live in a culture in which we are more visible than ever. Social media and the new pressures that come with it can cause us increased levels of anxiety and self-consciousness, as we no longer just have concerns about how we’re perceived face-to-face, but how we’re represented virtually…

    “Our critical inner voices are embedded in our earliest childhood experiences and are reinforced throughout childhood, adolescence, and into adulthood…

    “When people feel self-conscious, they often express fears of standing out or making a fool of themselves. Common ‘voices’ expressed in relation to self-consciousness include: *You’re so ugly. No one wants to look at you. *You’re boring. You have nothing to say. *You’re so awkward. You make people uncomfortable…. No one will ever love you…. Ugh, you just made a fool of yourself. They’re laughing at you… When we listen to our critical inner voice, we tend to become more self-conscious. We may take its advice to isolate ourselves and not take chances or put ourselves out there, then punish ourselves with critical thoughts like, ‘You’re such a loser’…

    “So, how can we reduce our self-consciousness? 1. Stand up to your inner critic… Identifying your specific voice… Reflecting on where these negative thoughts may have originated… Responding to your inner critic with a realistic, compassionate point of view…2. Treat yourself like a friend3. Keep your sense of humor4. Remember that it’s all in your head- In something known as the ‘spotlight effect,’ researchers found that ‘people [often significantly] overestimate the extent to which their actions and appearance are noted by others.’… If we can accept this reality, we can free ourselves of a lot of unnecessary self-consciousness. 5. Embrace vulnerability as a sign of strength Researcher Brene Brown… pointed out that ‘vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It’s tough to do that when we’re terrified about what people might see or think.’ Allowing ourselves to be seen for who we are can feel scary… The more we can embrace being ourselves as a sign of strength, the stronger we will feel in everything we do. Vulnerability may seem like an unlikely adversary to self-consciousness, but it is one of the most important tools we can adopt to make real connections and feel more comfortable in our skin.”

    * Please take your time, Eric, reading, re-reading and reflecting on the quotes above, and then let me know what you think.

    Another thing… relationships about an act of a man persuading a woman to follow his life? Because in my culture here boys are most likely to stay in the same city with his parents or live in the same home. To take care of them on their older days. Whereas girls have more freedom so they’ll join her husband’s house… There are several girls in my city that I find attractive, but most of them attend uni outside my city or a different country nearby my city… and I bet they plan to work there (not on my city)… and this is what worries me the most…. Idk if they’ll get persuaded to be with me… My city is small and boring… Do u have any opinions regarding this kind of situation?“-

    – (1) In my communication with women from India, having a similar culture to yours in regard to the above, they have more freedom when it comes to not having to stay with their parents, but they often do not experience freedom living with the husband’s parents. Many wives get mistreated by the husband’s parents with whom they live every day, (2) As far as persuading a woman to live with you in your small and boring city- some women like small and boring, I do. I prefer a small town over a big city. I prefer to be around a few people and avoid parties and events where a lot of people attend. I prefer quietness and avoid loud noises and loud music. There are other people like me, of different ages, including your age.

    anita

    #404629
    anita
    Participant

    I will try to get rid of the excess print in the post above:

    Dear Eric:

    You are welcome.

    What I don’t like is… she told me she’s not ready for a relationship but acts like she’s desperate for attention, it doesn’t make sense…. I prefer girls with a bit calmer side“- you prefer (1) girls who do not act like they are desperate for attention, girls who are calmer when it comes to seeking attention, (2) girls who are honest: when they say that they are not ready for a relationship=> they don’t seek the attention of guys. What they say (their words) and what they do (their actions) needs to fit.

    Did I understand correctly?

    Yes, I can say that I’m pretty good at communicating with people ‘online’, because it’s easier…. Whereas in real life I’m not that confident with my body and facial features… so I keep being cautious when I talk…. Like I don’t want people to make sure I have asymmetrical teeth when I laugh… And also when we talk on real life we need to think faster” –

    – it will take the courage to overcome your self-consciousness= the nervous or uncomfortable feeling that you have when you are worried that people think negatively about you.

    I want to make a little research on guys’ self-consciousness when it comes to girls, I hope that you have the patience to read it (I did minor editing of punctuation and pronouns for easier reading):

    girls ask guys. com/ What are guys self-conscious about when they’re around a girl?(3 of the answers):  (1) “Mostly if I’m being weird or not. I can be a bit awkward at first and don’t really like small talk, so I sometimes worry that I give too much of an awkward and anti-social vibe. Then I guess, like everyone, I question if she thinks I look good or not etc.” (2) “…I was self-conscious of many things: my looks, how I smelled, what I said, how I danced, was I physically strong enough, breaking the touch barrier, trying not to come off as a creep, staring at her breasts too long, lack of fashion with my clothes.” (3) “Everything”.

    pyar. com/ 7 ways to avoid feeling self-conscious on a date: “If you are single and looking for a potential partner, you’re likely familiar with anxieties of dating… At times, however, this social anxiety, shyness or fear of rejection ends up holding you back. It prevents you from having the love life you want. Reduce and control those feelings with the following tips.

    1. Admit your anxiety… </span> identify where your anxiety comes from and address it… 2. Don’t hide your anxiety… Keeping your feelings a secret will only make you more anxious…  Telling your date that you’re feeling nervous will ease your mind, and your date will probably respond positively… especially if she feels the same way…. 3. Practice some relaxation techniques…  before embarking on your date… 4. Have a positive but realistic perspective- If you are worried your date will be critical of you, remember that she is probably just as nervous and hoping it will go well… 5. Focus on having fun… pretend you’re hanging out with an old friend… 6. Focus on the other person. Really pay attention to what your potential partner is saying. Listen to her words. Read her body language, expressions and eye contact. Focus on communicating with her… Stay outside of yourself and ignore your internal reactions. This helps you to engage more, because you are less preoccupied with your own anxiety. 7. Learn something new from her… What can you learn from this person? Be curious about her life. Also, offer something about yourself that you particularly like…”

    * On another website I read a list of what guys say that girls are self-conscious about when it comes to dating guys: “messy hair… ugly laugh… freckles… blushing..  teeth… glasses.. her eyebrows don’t being symmetrical.. scars… height, or lack thereof.. exceptionally tall women and exceptionally short women…  women tend to be self-conscious about their height… thick thighs.. imperfect noses… small boobs.. snorting when they laugh.. big boobs.. no tan.. shyness”.

    psych alive. org/ self-consciousness: “self-consciousness often describes an exaggerated focus or uncomfortable attitude we have about ourselves and how we are perceived..  it can alter our behavior in ways that aren’t representative of who we really are or how we would naturally interact…

    “As human beings, we exist in a highly social environment. How we’re seen is important in determining whether we’ll be chosen – be it for a school, a job, or a date. However, nowadays, we seem to live in a culture in which we are more visible than ever. Social media and the new pressures that come with it can cause us increased levels of anxiety and self-consciousness, as we no longer just have concerns about how we’re perceived face-to-face, but how we’re represented virtually…

    “Our critical inner voices are embedded in our earliest childhood experiences and are reinforced throughout childhood, adolescence, and into adulthood…

    “When people feel self-conscious, they often express fears of standing out or making a fool of themselves. Common ‘voices’ expressed in relation to self-consciousness include: *You’re so ugly. No one wants to look at you. *You’re boring. You have nothing to say. *You’re so awkward. You make people uncomfortable…. No one will ever love you…. Ugh, you just made a fool of yourself. They’re laughing at you… When we listen to our critical inner voice, we tend to become more self-conscious. We may take its advice to isolate ourselves and not take chances or put ourselves out there, then punish ourselves with critical thoughts like, ‘You’re such a loser’…

    “So, how can we reduce our self-consciousness? 1. Stand up to your inner critic… Identifying your specific voice… Reflecting on where these negative thoughts may have originated… Responding to your inner critic with a realistic, compassionate point of view…2. Treat yourself like a friend… 3. Keep your sense of humor… 4. Remember that it’s all in your head- In something known as the ‘spotlight effect,’ researchers found that ‘people [often significantly] overestimate the extent to which their actions and appearance are noted by others.’… If we can accept this reality, we can free ourselves of a lot of unnecessary self-consciousness. 5. Embrace vulnerability as a sign of strength Researcher Brene Brown… pointed out that ‘vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It’s tough to do that when we’re terrified about what people might see or think.’ Allowing ourselves to be seen for who we are can feel scary… The more we can embrace being ourselves as a sign of strength, the stronger we will feel in everything we do. Vulnerability may seem like an unlikely adversary to self-consciousness, but it is one of the most important tools we can adopt to make real connections and feel more comfortable in our skin.”

    * Please take your time, Eric, reading, re-reading and reflecting on the quotes above, and then let me know what you think.

    Another thing… relationships about an act of a man persuading a woman to follow his life? Because in my culture here boys are most likely to stay in the same city with his parents or live in the same home. To take care of them on their older days. Whereas girls have more freedom so they’ll join her husband’s house… There are several girls in my city that I find attractive, but most of them attend uni outside my city or a different country nearby my city… and I bet they plan to work there (not on my city)… and this is what worries me the most…. Idk if they’ll get persuaded to be with me… My city is small and boring… Do u have any opinions regarding this kind of situation?“-

    – (1) In my communication with women from India, having a similar culture to yours in regard to the above, they have more freedom when it comes to not having to stay with their parents, but they often do not experience freedom living with the husband’s parents. Many wives get mistreated by the husband’s parents with whom they live every day, (2) As far as persuading a woman to live with you in your small and boring city- some women like small and boring, I do. I prefer a small town over a big city. I prefer to be around a few people and avoid parties and events where a lot of people attend. I prefer quietness and avoid loud noises and loud music. There are other people like me, of different ages, including your age.

    anita

    #404646
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    – you prefer (1) girls who do not act like they are desperate for attention, girls who are calmer when it comes to seeking attention, (2) girls who are honest: when they say that they are not ready for a relationship=> they don’t seek the attention of guys. What they say (their words) and what they do (their actions) needs to fit.

    Did I understand correctly?

    – it wasn’t really a mistake to like her, because liking someone (or something) is not a matter of rational choosing. It’s a feeling.

     

    = Yes, something like that…. Although i can say that most girls i know are also attention seekers… but i only felt so much anger when i saw this girl acted that way….

    And yeah i think it’s due to that her words are different from what she posted on her instagram stories…. Like she’s really enjoying her life now…. The last time she told me that she’ll be unhappy living with her aunt when she enters uni…. But look at her now, it’s so different from what she said….

     

    What i meant by mistake on liking her is because i’ve wasted some of my uni days to interact with her whereas my uni days are done now… because uni days are the best period to enjoy and meet new people…. On my stage right now (working), it’s a bit more monotone unlike uni days.
    And she’s at that uni days stage now… i just cant accept that she’s enjoying her best time of her life after rejecting me….

    It’s like i invest my stage of life wrongly…. Idk if this is some kind of karma i’m experiencing…

    I’m trying my best right now to make my daily life enjoyable by going to the gym and etc, but it still wont be able to surpass her uni days enjoyment….

     

     

    Please take your time, Eric, reading, re-reading and reflecting on the quotes above, and then let me know what you think.

    = I just read all of those tips once, gonna re-read it again and tell you what i think…..

    #404648
    Eric
    Participant

    Is revenge really not the solution to show that we’re happy without her? I feel like my ego has been scratched…..

    Like i’ve been trying to post about my life on my instagram stories to show that i’m happy without her….

    #404659
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    I only felt so much anger when I saw this girl acted that way (seeking attention)… she’s really enjoying her life now. The last time she told me that she’ll be unhappy living with her aunt when she enters uni“- when she told you that she will be unhappy living with her aunt, maybe you felt that you and her will be having something in common, a commonality: the two of you being unhappy where you live: she with her aunt, you with your parents.

    Maybe you were hoping that because the two of you would be unhappy, she will be looking for happiness with you, as you will be looking for happiness with her?

    But look at her now, it’s so different from what she said“- according to her Instagram stories, she is happy even though she is living with her aunt, so you feel cheated out of the commonality you thought you had with her (both of you being unhappy about where you live and looking for happiness with each other)?

    I’ve wasted some of my uni days to interact with her whereas my uni days are done now,  because uni days are the best period to enjoy and meet new people. On my stage right now (working), it’s a bit more monotone, unlike uni days. And she’s at that uni days stage now. I just can’t accept that she’s enjoying her best time of her life after rejecting me.  It’s like I invest my stage of life wrongly“-

    – you feel regret for missing out on the opportunity to meet new people and have new life experiences during your uni years. You blame yourself and you are angry at yourself  for missing out and investing your time wrongly during uni. You also blame her and are angry at her for rejecting you and proceeding to enjoy her uni years without you. Did I understand correctly so far, here in this post?

    I’m trying my best right now to make my daily life enjoyable by going to the gym and etc., but it still won’t be able to surpass her uni days enjoyment. Is revenge really not the solution to show that we’re happy without her? I feel like my ego has been scratched. Like I’ve been trying to post about my life on my Instagram stories to show that I’m happy without her“-

    – I think that in your young life so far you suffered from a deep and lasting emotional deprivation: a Painful and Tormenting Lack of what you needed so much: a sense of worth, of being liked, of being okay- alone and with other people, particularly with people your age. I think that this sense of Lack produced an Emptiness that hurts and keeps hurting, making you angry because it is unfair to have this Emptiness be…  Your Life while others seem to have better lives.

    Am I understanding correctly at this point?

    If I am, then I’ve personally known this Lack, this Emptiness as well as the regret and anger that accompany it and I would like to discuss it further with you, as well as to address the revenge topic you asked about.

    anita

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