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Any tips in how to solve communication problems?

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  • #402605
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you for your advices,

    Setting aside what we’re discussing above…..

    Yesterday I re-read my past texts with that girl…. I can’t stop thinking of her singing that song….. I feel that i know her, and that song is meant for me…… I feel really really depressed right now, Idk how to explain…. but im pretty sure this feeling is true…. I can’t really explain everything she texts me that time in here…. it’s too many…

    I even have thoughts of initiating her a text, i want to conclude everything and try to win her again…

     

    I tried the NPR, but it still got triggered, and yet i screamed again….

    I apologize if maybe i sound like i dont take ur advices, or TeaK’s or anyone else’s…..

    I’m in a really really depressed situation right now…. I probably need to think everything clearly and have some time alone…..

    #402610
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    You are welcome. I am sorry to read that you felt depressed 9 hours ago when you posted your recent post. I imagine you are feeling better at this time, when you are reading this post?

    “I feel that I know her, and that song is meant for me…… I’m pretty sure this feeling is true” – sometimes we need to believe that something is true so much that we deeply feel that it is true, even though objectively, it’s not true. This kind of feeling-thinking is called Emotional Reasoning: we reason something to be true because we emotionally need it to be true.

    “I even have thoughts of initiating her a text, I want to conclude everything and try to win her again” – you have the right to change your mind and to initiate a text to her.

    “I apologize if maybe I sound like I don’t take ur advice” – don’t worry about it, I am okay with you not taking my advice: it is your right to take or to not take my or anyone’s advice.

    Please let me know how you’re feeling today/ this evening.

    anita

    #402876
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    I thought about you on my walk (just returned) and I was thinking that maybe you can relate: like you, I used to make progress in my mental health, but then I would regress and feel very, very badly about it, feeling that I failed and all my progress was cancelled. It took me a long time to understand that as far as mental/ emotional healing goes, there is no progress without regression: there is no such thing as going only forward, never to go backward. When I understood this, I no longer got devastated with every regression and I managed to hold on to some of the progress I made.

    This is why I say to myself out loud every morning: “I build today on yesterday’s progress; I build tomorrow on today’s progress”. I no longer start from scratch (from point zero) every day. I remember yesterday’s progress and continue from there. And when I regress and feel badly, I think of it as part of the progress and know that the regression is temporary and progress continues.

    Remember the progress you’ve made lately and build on it, Eric!

    anita

    a

    #402992
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Sorry for replying late… i was out of town for a work reasons with my parents.

     

    Yes i’m feeling much better now,

     

    there is no progress without regression: there is no such thing as going only forward, never to go backward. When I understood this, I no longer got devastated with every regression and I managed to hold on to some of the progress I made.

    Ahh i see, i think that’s a good theory to convince my mind….. “no progress without regression”

    But the things is, sometimes we can’t control our mind….. if we have negative thoughts it’s really hard to gain control of it…. and immediately forget every progress that we made…..

    Our mood could also affect these kind of issues, if we’re in a good mood, maybe the negative thoughts are easier to control….

     

     

    As regarding for that girl, i re-read TeaK’s advices on my other account….

    – it seems she strengthened the decision not to date you, and it’s not only because of her parents’ pressure/advice, but also because she feels that’s for the best. She wants to enter a relationship when she is ready and has serious intentions (she said when she finds a job, and when she is thinking about getting married), and right now that’s not the case.

    It seems that right now she wants to focus on her studies and not be distracted by a relationship, and it’s a legitimate decision. That’s what she’s already told you before, but when you posted that “goodbye” post, probably her ego got a bit hurt and she started the cycle again, messing up with you, giving you hope. She shouldn’t have done that. But she’s young and no wonder she has doubts and insecurity. Try to forgive her for giving you false hope…

    But also, take this as her final decision and start detaching yourself from her, accepting that she’s at the same point where you were 4 or 5 years ago, just entering university, with a million opportunities before her and at least a dozen possible life scenarios. What will be 4 or 5 years from now? No one knows. So there is no point in holding onto something that’s not there, that’s unknown, that will only take shape in the future… Leave the future to the future, and if you want, to God and fate. But don’t hold on to it, don’t hold on to something that doesn’t have a shape yet.

    She probably isn’t, that’s why she decided not to pursue a relationship with you. The person who initiates the break is never as nearly as sad as the one left behind. That’s the nature of breakups… I guess her feelings for you were less than yours for her, otherwise her parents couldn’t influence her so much. Because you said they didn’t really forbid her to date you, but only advised against it. But she readily accepted their advice, and even told you she doesn’t want a long-distance relationship, with your visiting her from time to time. If she cared about you enough and didn’t want to lose you, she would have been open for a LDR, to be able to get you know you better, face to face.

    I too was in a LDR for 5 years, meeting my now husband approx. once per month. You two will be living only 45 minutes apart, it’s nothing. But she refused that, which means she doesn’t really want to deepen the relationship with you and get to know you better.

    I think that you should accept the fact that she’s just not that into you, even if she’s told you differently. Her actions and her attitude (rejecting a LDR) speak more than her words…

    I don’t think it would benefit you to hope and pray for you two getting together. It would only prevent you from finding someone else, someone better… You yourself are very young, she is your first crush, your whole relationship happened online, so it wasn’t even a real relationship since you didn’t really go on dates, have you? I dare to say that you practically haven’t experienced a real relationship yet.

    You say you’re madly in love, but you haven’t even held her hand, have you? You are in love with an image of her, and also with the feeling you had while interacting with her: you felt appreciated, you felt someone values you and shows interest in you. You desperately needed this kind of attention – positive attention – from people, because you haven’t received it from your parents. She provided it for you, and it made you feel loved.

    But it doesn’t mean she is the one for you. There are other girls out there who might like you and appreciate you, and want to go on dates with you, and even plan a future with you. You’re only at the beginning. 22 years is super young. As I told you once before, even at 32 you’ll still be young. You’ve got 10 years to work on yourself and find a suitable girl. There is no rush.

     

    After re-reading this, i feel calmer….. i’ve already screenshotted this on my phone but i always forgot to read it whenever i have thoughts about this girl…..

    Then i decided to re-read again my past conversation with that girl….

     

    Now i understand why she doesnt want a relationship yet (i can’t believe that i understand her situation now, instead of a year ago…. all i have in my head was only about loving her… and not realizing her situation)

    She keeps telling me that she has several aunts who ended up in a bad marriage, she felt a bit traumatized seeing that… and she also told me her family keeps having issues with her relatives….. That’s why she told me that she views relationship as something serious and not some “fun thing for teens”…. She wants a relationship with someone who’s personality she understands fully, and in my case…. we only talk through online, and she’s entering uni which will make us in a “LDR situation” for 45 minutes apart by boat…. She feels that in LDR, she wont be able to know the guy’s personality fully…..

    She also told me that her family’s financial situation arent as lucky as mine, therefore she has to attend uni seriously…. as she applies on a scholarship…. and she feels that if she gets a good job in that place which is apart from mine, it’d be hard for us to be together….

    She ever told me that she has plans on finding me in the future *although idk if she still have thoughts of this after a year of no contact with me (if i’m still single) when she has her own income….. but it’s still many years from now…. as she’ll graduate uni on 2025, which is 3 years from now…. And also she needs to find out if she can get a job in that city or not, if she can’t then she’ll go back to our city…..

     

    The one that’s making me insane is that my brain keeps wondering whether she still have thoughts about me, also wondering whether there’s a possibility of me and her being together again in the future…. But at the same time i also feel like i shouldn’t waste all of my time only waiting for her, i also must try dating other girls…… And yeah i’ll try it, with hope that eventually i can forget about her if i found the correct type for me

    But there are also things that i hate about her, although she told me that she doesn’t want a relationship and etc… she sometimes posted stories/posts on social media as if she wants attention from people….

    I feel like i need to hurry up and improve my confidence and self-esteem, because right now my head keeps telling me that she’s (my type) the best that i can get…. (and i’ve been fighting this voice everyday). I need to get out from this endless loop. She’s been in my head for lots of years….

    I really want to be able to lead my own life, because i know that as i grow older… it’s essential for me to keep improving myself…..

    I’ve been on good track before she posted that song, she really knows how to messed up my head…..

    I dont want to feel any more painful regret which causes me to bang my head, and she’s one of the factors why i did that….

     

    Tbh when i’m out of the city few days ago with my parents, i went to the mall and saw several girls and i felt my heart beating faster than usual, it’s like the moment when i feel like i’m attracted to that girl….. I feel really relieved that i can still feel that way, i always thought that i’ll only be madly in love with that girl (whom i’ve crush on for a long time)….. But i never felt that feeling in my city since i graduated….. I think it’s due to i rarely met girls in my city……

     

    I keep praying that whatever my decision is/whatever action im taking from now, it’ll be the best outcome for me……

     

    #402993
    Eric
    Participant

    I hope that what i’m saying above doesn’t sound repetitive with my previous replies.

    #402994
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    Glad you posted again. I will read and reply in about an hour or two.

    anita

    #402996
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    I am glad to feel that you are feeling much better (at least you did when you posted last; I know that feelings change).

    But the things is, sometimes we can’t control our mind….. if we have negative thoughts it’s really hard to gain control of it…. and immediately forget every progress that we made” – I agree and I understand. It takes a whole lot of time and work to gain a bit of control over our minds, and then a bit more… and a bit more.. until life gets easier (it would be nice to have an easier life, wouldn’t it?)

    Our mood could also affect these kind of issues, if we’re in a good mood, maybe the negative thoughts are easier to control” – again, I agree: mood and thoughts are very much connected.

    As regarding for that girl, I re-read TeaK’s advices on my other account…. After re-reading this, I feel calmer….l… Now I understand why she doesn’t want a relationship yet… She keeps telling me that she has several aunts who ended up in a bad marriage… She also told me… ” – for as long as reading Tee’s advice calms you, please do keep reading it. As far as what is going on in the girl’s (young woman’s) brain: I don’t know and neither do you. You know what she told you in the past, but was she sincere about everything that she told you? Plus, just like your moods and thoughts change, so do hers. Therefore, what she sincerely told you in the past may not apply to the present time.. or to the future time.

    The one that’s making me insane is that my brain keeps wondering whether she still have thoughts about me, also wondering whether there’s a possibility of me and her being together again in the future…. But at the same time I also feel like I shouldn’t waste all of my time only waiting for her, I also must try dating other girls… I need to get out from this endless loop” –

    – (1) try to shift your focus from her thoughts to => her direct actions. If she didn’t contact you directly and tell you that she has feelings for you and that she wants to date you- assume that she does not have feelings for you and that she does not want to date you. Don’t rely on what you think she thinks and what you feel that she feels. Rely on her direct actions instead,

    (2) Of course it’s better that you don’t waste time, and that you  date other girls. Problem is how to make it happen when your anxiety and obsessive thinking (that “endless loop”) are in your way of doing what’s best for you. I still wish- as before- that you had professional help on the matter.

    I really want to be able to lead my own life… I don’t want to feel any more painful regret which causes me to bang my head, and she’s one of the factors why I did that.. Tbh when I’m out of the city few days ago with my parents, I went to the mall and saw several girls and I felt my heart beating faster than usual” –

    – (1) I can see that you can fall in love with another woman, it’s just the lack of meeting and interacting with young women that are behind your repeated focus on this one girl, (2) Everyone makes mistakes and regret them later: I do, you do, everyone does. Try to make peace with making mistakes because- as a human- you don’t have the option of not making mistakes,

    (3) For me, it is a pleasure to read that you want to be able to lead your own life: you are already in the process of leading your own life, and I am proud of you for it, Eric!

    anita

     

    #403138
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

     

    As far as what is going on in the girl’s (young woman’s) brain: I don’t know and neither do you. You know what she told you in the past, but was she sincere about everything that she told you? Plus, just like your moods and thoughts change, so do hers. Therefore, what she sincerely told you in the past may not apply to the present time.. or to the future time.

    Yes that’s what i thought too… people could drastically change in 4 years. That’s why i think it’s too risky to wait, and she could also end up meeting someone who she might feel better than me….

    Also i’m sure she aims to work in a corporate company when she graduated later on…. And i feel like i don’t wanna lose out to her. But i cant really improve much in terms of career as i’m helping my parents whereas she’ll aim on climbing the ladder in the corporate. I feel like if i can improve how i work, maybe someday if i want her, i can persuade her to live with me….

    Because i also imagine a scenario where i can’t find girls im suitable with for the next 4-5 years and maybe i’d try my luck in chasing her again.

    Do u think this is a pointless way of thinking? It sounds like i still hope for her is it?

    I’ll still try to date other girls, i just feel like there’s no negative impact if i try to make my life better than her…. right?

     

    At that time i’ll be 27-28 years old, it’s not considered old right? I’m a person who’s really afraid of deadlines (i also never do my assignments very close to the deadline day on my uni days as i feel unsafe), and i feel like 30 years old is a deadline, as i’m sure most of my friends would be married by then but at the same time i also don’t want to marry the wrong person due to rush….I experience lots of mistakes due to rush and afraid of not following the pace of my friends. I guess i need to get rid of this way of thinking, because it makes me cant relax…. and comparing other people’s pace with me…

     

     

     

    <b>
    Of course it’s better that you don’t waste time, and that you date other girls.</b>

    <b>
    I can see that you can fall in love with another woman, it’s just the lack of meeting and interacting with young women that are behind your repeated focus on this one girl,</b>

    Yes, i really need to find a way for me to interact and meet with young women….
    But there isnt much activity in my city here, only badminton and golf… and i’m not good at both of it, also i tend to give up easily if i find things hard. Maybe i should just force myself to do those activities, as there is no other choice?

    The only thing I’m doing right now is going to the gym, and i’m not good at it…. My body hasn’t improved at all too…. But at least going to the gym fills my schedule which causes me to overthink less….

     

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