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Any tips in how to solve communication problems?

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Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 67 total)
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  • #402409
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    I may have suggestions if you tell me what your objective is: what it is that you want, in this situation (?)

    anita

    #402410
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    After i saw her singing that song, and tbh if she still likes me… my objective is to show her that i still have feelings for her too… although i know she’ll insist on not having a relationship till a few more years…..

    I’m planning to post a song too, to show her the sign….

    But i remember she has told me a year ago, to not wait for her (it’s in the thread on my previous account)….

    Honestly, i still think about her everyday… it’s just that i’m now better at suppressing it and continue doing my daily activities…

     

    I hope that i wont regret, keep pushing for her….. because i dont want to end up hitting my head again and screaming because i made the wrong decision… it was really a dark period for me….but i also dont want to regret not pushing to my limits for any potential future with her……

    After all this time, i still wish she’s the one for me…

    #402412
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    “My objective is to show her that I still have feelings for her too… I’m planning to post a song too, to show her the sign… I hope that I wont regret, keep pushing for her….. because I don’t want to end up hitting my head again and screaming because I made the wrong decision… it was really a dark period for me….but I also don’t want to regret not pushing to my limits for any potential future with her” –

    -You will regret it no matter what you choose: to post a song OR to not post a song. You will regret it if you make a rational decision OR an irrational decision. Do all kinds of regret hurt the same or do some regrets hurt more than others?

    anita

    #402415
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I think i’d feel less regret if i push my limits for her.

    #402419
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    Then promise yourself that no matter what- you will not end up hitting your head again and screaming, and then… go about pushing your limits for her, which means according to what you shared,  “to post a song too”.

    Choose a song that expresses your thoughts and feelings well and keep your excitement under control by keep your expectations realistic: that likely your song will not make a difference (“I know she’ll insist on not having a relationship till a few more years… I remember she has told me a year ago, to not wait for her”).

    anita

    #402439
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I guess i’m going to revoke my decision on posting it.

    I re-read our texts (me and her) before the separation and it prompted me into cancelling my decision… The advices from TeaK also influence me….

    Maybe it’s just that i’m confused on why she posted her singing that song on social media… My head got messed up and it triggers me into falling for her again…

    #402440
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    I am impressed with you, Eric: you re-read past texts with her, considered TeaK’s input and advice and mine- and you made your OWN rational, sensible decision, good job, Eric, I am proud of you!

    anita

    #402441
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Yeah i’m also quite shocked that i still can make a sensible decision after all that messy thoughts in my head….

    I think i still need to build my confidence, so that i wont be swayed by any of her posts…. because i still thought that she’s the best that i can get with my qualities…., therefore i’m aiming to improve my qualities more faster than before….

     

    I’ve went to the gym after i get advices that exercising could reduce overthinking, and yes it does…. For a week i went like 4 times… But i still can’t feel that i become more “manly”….

    And due to several situations in the gym, i’ve improved my communications skills a bit….

     

    I feel like to be more confident and to cover my insecurities (like my height)… i need to be like some sort of “alpha male”, but idk if my body can create that “alpha aura”

    Like become an educated/good communicator, and confident in doing tasks, become more manly (i used to spend most of my time relaxing at my room [this causes my bad communication skills and making me less manly…])

     

    Do u agree with my statement?

     

    #402449
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    “Do u agree with my statement?” – more than I ever agreed with anything you ever wrote! The post above, which you submitted about 2.5 hours ago,  is the most promising, the most encouraging post you ever wrote, and I feel very good reading it first thing this Wednesday morning! (It is Thursday night where you are at, I believe).

    “Yeah I’m also quite shocked that I still can make a sensible decision after all that messy thoughts in my head” -remember this next time you feel “all that messy thoughts” in your head. Remember that you can make sensible decisions, messy thoughts or not!

    “I think I still need to build my confidence… I’m aiming to improve my qualities more faster than before” – faster but patiently: patience and persistence are necessary when it comes to improving personal qualities. It takes work and time.

    “I’ve went to the gym after I get advices that exercising could reduce overthinking, and yes it does…. For a week I went like 4 times… But I still can’t feel that I become more ‘manly'” – daily muscle and core building exercises (in the gym and at home) should make you look and feel more muscular. (Is that what you mean by “manly”= looking/ feeling more muscular?)

    “And due to several situations in the gym, I’ve improved my communications skills a bit” – excellent! Bit by bit is the only way to make progress, as far as building muscles and improving your communication skills.

    “I feel like to be more confident and to cover my insecurities (like my height)… I need to be like some sort of ‘alpha male’, but idk if my body can create that ‘alpha aura'” –

    (1) personally, I don’t like the appearance of … alpha males. When I was young I was never liked the look of alpha males; I preferred the gentle, a bit feminine look in men. I am not saying that you should aim at appearing a bit feminine, I am saying that not all women like the appearance of alpha males or are attracted to such, (2) maybe you can’t appear like an alpha male in a place where  men are generally taller or much taller than you, but you can appear confident and in good physical shape regardless of your height.

    * Most, if not all men,  prefer to be of average height or taller, and short men too often get teased for their short height. It is sad that it is so, and I wish we lived in a world where men are not teased and disrespected for their short height (a world where people  were not teased for any reason!). But you and I have to live in the world we live in, and do the best with how we look, and with what is available to us. You can’t grow taller but you can grow more confident, more muscular, more skillful at communicating with people and more skillful at doing tasks (“Like become an educated/good communicator, and confident in doing tasks”).

    I will close this post by saying again: I am proud of you, Eric!

    anita

     

    #402463
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

     The post above, which you submitted about 2.5 hours ago,  is the most promising, the most encouraging post you ever wrote

    = Thank you anita!, your words here puts a smile on my face…

     

    patience and persistence are necessary when it comes to improving personal qualities. It takes work and time.

    = Yes both of these are essential, especially patience….. because it applies not only to improve my qualities, but i also need patience to stay calm whenever other people are underestimate me and etc… I usually struggle in this part, obstacles like that could mess up my happy mind.

     

    Yea i think it’s not about being an alpha, it’s more of being “a guy who knows what he’s doing and can lead his partner”, and not becoming a “useless” type of guy who can’t lead his own family later on….

    Most girls i know labelled me as the “follower” type of guy, like i’m the guy who can’t lead….. Just following the group….

    I’m working on this attitude……

     

     

    I’m also trying my best to get rid of that girl (whom i have a crush on for a long time) from my head…… I can’t believe that when i saw her singing that song, i immediately pray so that she’d be my wife in the future, like there’d be a way for us to be together in the future…….. She’s always in my head since 5 or 6 years ago….. it’s really insane for an obsession……

    Maybe it’s because i havent found a girl who’d appreciate me more than her….., therefore my brain is programmed that she’s still the best choice for me……

     

     

    Most, if not all men,  prefer to be of average height or taller, and short men too often get teased for their short height. It is sad that it is so, and I wish we lived in a world where men are not teased and disrespected for their short height (a world where people  were not teased for any reason!). But you and I have to live in the world we live in, and do the best with how we look, and with what is available to us. You can’t grow taller but you can grow more confident, more muscular, more skillful at communicating with people and more skillful at doing tasks (“Like become an educated/good communicator, and confident in doing tasks”).

    = Yep you are absolutely right, short men also get weak first impression… i’ve experience it numerous times….. This is why i’m aiming to be able to attract impression from them (such as girls)… I have to work more harder than average height boys here, and i’m pretty sure they wont understand my struggles….

    And also i’m an introvert, it makes it way more harder for me to push myself to talk…..

    Also, if the girl’s (this applies to every type of girl) main criteria is “average to tall boys”, then i’m done for…. there is nothing that i can do…… This is the unfair part about height criteria…..

     

     

    #402467
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    You are welcome, so glad I put a smile on your face!

    lf the girl’s..  main criteria is ‘average to tall boys’, then I’m done for…. there is nothing that I can do…… This is the unfair part about height criteria” –

    – about fairness: each one of us should conduct our lives as fairly (to ourselves and to others) as possible, but no  matter how fairly we conduct our personal lives, we have to accept the reality that our lives are mostly unfair. Life is not fair in nature (ex., is it fair that a weak/ baby deer gets eaten by a strong, adult  mountain lion?), and life is not fair in human society (Is it fair that an honest, hard working person makes less money than a dishonest person who doesn’t work, or who engages in crime? Is it fair that politicians who have so much power over our lives use their power unfairly?)  Better to no longer expect life to be fair.

    “Yes both of these are essential, especially patience….. I also need patience to stay calm whenever other people are underestimate me” – I recently recommended to members the NPR strategy, it can apply to you too: next time you are underestimated, Notice that it happened, that you feel distressed and/or that you started overthinking. Next, Pause (stop the overthinking). Next, Redirect your attention from the distress/ overthinking to=>  your breath: focus on the air going into your nose and coming out of your nose (or mouth, you choose).  Following a few breaths, say something true and positive to yourself, about yourself, ex. “I am getting more and more confident”, or “I have what it takes to become more and  more confident” (you choose your words)

    “Yea I think it’s not about being an alpha, it’s more of being ‘a guy who knows what he’s doing and can lead his partner‘, and not becoming a ‘useless’ type of guy who can’t lead his own family later on. Most girls i know labelled me as the “follower” type of guy, like I’m the guy who can’t lead….. Just following the group” –

    – practice today and every day the following: lead your own life, and take every opportunity to practice this: instead of doing things in ways you were told (being a follower), find your own ways of doing things. Nothing is too small for this practice, ex., fold your washed and dried clothes your own way.

    “I’m also trying my best to get rid of that girl..  from my head… Maybe it’s because I haven’t found a girl who’d appreciate me more than her” – yes, I think that’s the reason. But until you find a girl who appreciates you, you can use the NPR strategy whenever you Notice that you are thinking about her.

    anita

     

    #402397
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Eric,

    It’s leaagain-again

    My deactivated account- something I hastily did out of upset and which I now regret doing. I plan to not make any hasty decisions- and o feel ashamed I did so. I apologize for doing so- as I was eagerly awaiting your reply in hopes I could help you somehow! If you are still interested to communicate, I would be very happy to chat with you.

    sincerely, Lea

    #402513
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    I am sorry for the activations and deactivations of the account above. I hope that you ignore it and that we can move on with our conversation.

    anita

    #402580
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Yes i agree with you, we should never expect life to be fair.

    What i’m confused is that, if we’re in the “unfair” position.. such as short height. Should we defy the odds or follow the world’s rules….

    Like for ex: society tends to want boys to be taller than the girls….. there’s plenty of girls that i seem to notice having good qualities and can match my lifestyle…but most of them are the same height as me, i wanna try and have a go but i fear rejection…. cause it might disrupt my mental health….. because i’m sure if they have an “ok” appearance, like standard and above… they also will likely tend to want boys with a better looking appearance…..

    But i also used to get close with a girl and it seem that she gives me a green light to get close to her….. but her appearance can be said as “below standard (i apologize if these sounds harsh, but idk how to explain it more clearly)”…. it’s like no boys wants to chase her therefore she’ll gladly accept anyone…. Eventually i stop texting her because i can’t seem to force myself to like her…..

    This is what im confused on…..Should i just “man up” myself and try chasing those type of girls that i’m interested on…. or i should just accept reality and accept girls who’ll accept me….

    Does this mean that i also have to train to handle rejection and criticism too, besides improving confidence?

    Because if i got girls who’s the same height as me… i’m pretty sure some people will comment about that…. Nonetheless, the more and more i thought about it, especially after experiencing these past 2 years of self-development…. None of those words could really physically hurt me and i guess for this part it can be applied with the NPR strategy is it? But as we’re all human, we can’t always escape those sorrow words, sometimes we’ll eventually got hurt…

     

     

    #402588
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    society tends to want boys to be taller than the girls” – it is important to conform to societal norms such as following the law (do not steal, do not murder, etc.) and  being polite and respectful to each other-  because otherwise, people get hurt physically and/ or emotionally.

    But it is not necessary to follow a societal norm such as boys-should-to-be-taller-than-girls because if a man dates a woman of the same height or a woman who is taller, no one is BREAKING the law, and as long as the shorter man and the taller woman are polite and respectful to each other and to other people- no one is GETTING HURT.

    Coming to think about it, this societal norm probably originated in the beginning of human society when men hunted and protected their families from big animals and attacks from another tribe, and woman raised children in the cave. So if a woman was to choose a man, accepting a tall and strong man (who is likely to hunt successfully and feed and protect her and her children), and rejecting a short man, weaker made sense. But in our modern high tech evolved society-  this social norm, in practical terms, is obsolete. It is out of date.

    Except that what is left from this pre-historic societal norm is that (1) most women still feel attracted to taller men vs. shorter men (a leftover attraction from the early years of human society), (2) most shorter men- I think-  feel inferior and unattractive because of their height (again- a leftover from early human society).

    Back to your post: you expressed that on one hand, there are plenty of girls that you like for their qualities, but most of them are the same height as yours, and you are “sure if they have an ‘ok’ appearance, like standard and above… they also will likely tend to want boys with a better looking appearance“. On the other hand, there was a girl who seemed to like you, “but her appearance can be said as ‘below standard…. it’s like no boys wants to chase her therefore she’ll gladly accept anyone“, so you did not feel like pursuing (chasing) her, so you didn’t.

    Your confusion: “Should I just ‘man up’ myself and try chasing those type of girls that I’m interested in…. or I should just accept reality and accept girls who’ll accept me” –

    – I suppose you cannot change your lack of attraction to women you find unattractive any more than women who are not attracted to you can change their lack of attraction. But if your self-esteem/ confidence gets healthier than it is now, you will be less judgmental of the way you look, and less judgmental of the way girls look.

    The more critical and rejecting a person is of his  own looks, the more critical and rejecting a person is of other people’s looks.

    Does this mean that I also have to train to handle rejection and criticism too, besides improving confidence?” – improving your self-esteem/ confidence go hand in hand with handling rejection and criticism. No one gets to LIKE rejection and criticism, but it’s possible to get to a place where it doesn’t hurt THAT MUCH.

    If I got girls who’s the same height as me… I’m pretty sure some people will comment about that” – the first person to comment about it would be YOU. Like I suggested above, a person with a lower self-esteem/ confidence harshly judges his own physical appearance and the appearance of others.

    Nonetheless, the more and more I thought about it, especially after experiencing these past 2 years of self-development…. None of those words could really physically hurt me and I guess for this part it can be applied with the NPR strategy is it?” –

    – Congratulations again, for being dedicated to self-development: I can see your development and improvement and I am impressed!

    But as we’re all human, we can’t always escape those sorrow words, sometimes we’ll eventually got hurt” – this sentence shows me your development and improvement: you wrote we’re all human, meaning that you no longer see yourself as an exception to humanity, as a person different from everyone else. This is development!

    And you know that indeed all of us can’t escape feeling hurt when criticized and rejected, and we all fear it, it’s just that some hurt LESS and fear it LESS and therefore, able to pursue (or chase) what they want.

    anita

     

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