Dear Candice88,

What a pleasant surprise, I am happy to hear from you!

First of all, I am glad your surgery went well and that you have recovered completely. And that your situation has stabilized after the shock and stress that you went through with M…

Your new boyfriend T seems a little bit of the opposite to M: he is more of a right-wing, macho guy, and he supports Putin. He is head over heals for you and wants to move in (or at least come to live closer to you), but you are reluctant and not emotionally ready yet.

You are bothered by 2 things. One is his quite different, maybe even diametrically opposing political views, and the other is that you aren’t that much in love with him – you still love M, or at least the idea of M without addiction, cheating and lies.

I will try to give you my thoughts on both of these issues. I don’t have a definite answer though, just points to think about and consider…

Regarding political views, I think that diametrically opposing political views on subjects that are important to you, and that are important globally… well, I don’t think that it’s fortunate. I think it can be quite a big obstacle in the relationship. It’s like you have some core values and principles that are important to you, and he has different values… it can be a problem.

It’s also true that you are on the same page about other important topics, such as family and raising children. Perhaps you also have other common values, such as honesty, trustworthiness, no substance abuse, no cheating and manipulating…  You said: He is a hard worker, creative, intelligent, and takes life very seriously.

So I guess he has a steady job, works hard, and isn’t into drug abuse or anything like that. He is solid, it seems.

I believe what makes you less keen on him, besides his political views, is the fact that he is very interested in being with you, which is something you are not used to (He is head over heels for me, and I love him but…not in the way he loves me. I am not used to this dynamic. Usually I’m the one who is glued to the other person.) The wounded child in us wants someone who reminds us of our parent… T doesn’t remind you of your mother, so he isn’t that attractive. M on the other hand gave you the experience of always chasing love, and never getting it. It was the same dynamics like with your mother. This is probably why you still feel in love with M…

I’ve realized I’m still in love with the non addict M.

Except you never met the non addict M, because he was lying to you all the time. The guy you felt amazing with in the first few months, he is most probably fake – a persona he wanted you to see, but not the real him. Probably even he himself doesn’t know his true self, since he has been addicted since the age of 17.

He sent me a couple messages this past spring to say he still loves me and has a stable job now, and is working on his sobriety. Mutual friends have confirmed this.

He is known for lying… I wouldn’t be so sure about this. In fact, he might be “working” on his sobriety, but without much success, or real willingness either.

Mutual friends have told me that M is sober (for now), working hard, and asking about me and saying he is still hoping that one day I’ll take him back.

Well, my view is that unless M goes to therapy and resolves his issues with his mother – he won’t be able to maintain a healthy relationship. Even if he is sober. In fact, if he doesn’t go to therapy and resolves his childhood issues, there is very little chance that he can stay sober on the long-run. So I’d be interested how exactly is he working on his sobriety and what steps has he taken. But I don’t recommend reaching out to him… not at this point in any case, when you are still confused.

If I were you, I’d look deeper into why you can’t love T – is it really just because of his political views, or it’s that he is too available, and therefore unattractive to you?