Dear Sushmita:

I’ll keep your take on Niki’s situation in mind as I develop my take in the first part of this post. In the second port of this post, I will see if her story can shine any light on yours:

What became clear to me yesterday, as I was processing Niki’s story, is the theme of negotiation:  a back and forth negotiation between two sides: (A) the bf and his parents, (B) Niki, her parents, uncle and sister-in-law.

* Notice, both sides are of the same caste and subcaste. Side A is extremely rich and side B seems to be doing well financially.

This is the (not exact, but close enough to the true) history of the negotiation:

Beginning Position:  Side A agreed to a marriage IF side B agrees that Niki does not work after marriage. Side B agreed to a marriage IF side A allows Niki to work after marriage.

1st step of negotiation: Side A threatened to end the relationship between bf and Nicky.

2nd step of negotiation: “My parents (Side B) tried to persuade them (Side A) to let me work at least..  help them in their business”.

3rd step of negotiation: “After 3 days, his father (Side A) called up my Dad (Side B) and told him they (Side A) don’t want to go ahead with this. No reason was given, he (Side A) said even my boyfriend (Side A) was OKAY with that.

4th step of negotiation:  “(Side B) tried calling him hearing this, but his phone number was deactivated… 2 months have passed and he (Side A) has blocked me (Side B) from everywhere“.

During the 4th step, Side B regretted her negotiation strategy: “I just feel it was my mistake that I spoke up about my job and work, I (Side B) should have just accepted their (Side A’s) demands and married him… I cry all day I just want him nothing else, I am ready to do anything they ask for“.

Notice, at this point, Nicky, Side B) is willing to do anything Side A asks.

5th step of negotiation: “His father (Side A) called my uncle (Side B) and asked to reconsider as their son (Side A) is in bad health and not able to move on. He (Side A) called me (Side B) and asked for reconciliation, but terms are still the same – that I would quit my job after marriage and not work”.

6th step of negotiation: even though Niki stated above that she will do anything Side A asked for, she decided to not give in to the condition that she doesn’t work after marriage and instead, and to continue negotiating. She was told that the bf  “is in bad health and not able to move on”, so she felt that she (Side B) had power over Side A: “now that I have been through so much… I want what is good for me. I have asked for time from his side… He is texting me now daily asking me to meet him so that he can talk about future and all. But internally, I am not ready to even meet him. He is saying he is not well, even now he is having low bp. I told him not to emotionally blackmail me. He is saying he has to give answer to his parents”- she is now in charge, she has the power and she is taking her time.

“He is extremely emotionally talking to me now. That he cannot imagine life without me and wants to marry me and now he has with a lot of efforts convinced his parents. But I have lost my trust in his parents and him that he will ever support me in any case… I want whatever is good for me, whether it is marrying him or leaving him.”- she is waiting for him to break down further and give in to her condition which is specifically to work after marriage, and generally: to have more power in the relationship.

7th step of negotiation: “He (Side A) got back to me (Side B) after 3 days last Thursday, pressuring me to think fast or at least meet up once, saying he fears his parents will again think negatively if I take longer time, as he had convinced them with great effort… he explained me everything, saying except job, he will support me in everything I wish to do always. I poured my heart out to him in texts, stating everything I had been through, all the pain and hurt and everything. I also told him I am not able to trust him or believe him after what all he did. That day, a lot of heated discussions took place. I told him I need more time to think…  pushed him a lot for what all he did“- she didn’t give in to his pressure, and tried to make him feel guilty for her pain. She’s been using guilt to gain power and weaken him, hoping that he will give in to her specific demand and general quest for power.

8th step of negotiation: “He said ‘there is not much I can do in that case, I feel it is not working out for both of us, and it is only fitting to let it be and move on for both of our better futures…he said – ‘My priority is my family & their priority as you and also your uncle have been informed before, that you should not work after marriage. But I think that is not convincing to your family, thus let us finish this”.

9th step of negotiation: “I replied that I was ready to leave my job, to which he said ‘No please, it is too late now. And also, you do not trust me and your parents are also skeptical.’ To which, I replied that as a girl’s parents, once things have happened, it takes time to place trust again and also asked him that did he expect he’ll come back suddenly and we all will be waiting here happily? To which he replied ‘Yes.’ He also wrote ‘Let us finish this here once and for all. Better we don’t contact each other from now on”

10th step of negotiation: “After this, I tried calling him multiple times, but he did not respond. Then, he blocked me everywhere, also blocked my mom and dad and also my sister-in-law, who texted him to speak to him. Later, my uncle called his father, and told him about his son’s behavior and this was not the way to go in and out of someone’s life. Later that night, his father texted my uncle saying – “As per discussion of kids, it is going nowhere. so it is a NO from our side and my son is also not interested in Niki nor marrying her anymore. Request her and your family to not contact him from now on.”

Following the 10th and last step of negotiation that Niki shared about, she had regrets in regard to her negotiation strategy: “I am beyond broken again, not knowing what to do. I somewhere feel it was my fault that I took much time to think or that I spilled my hurt to him, telling him things that pushed him away… I am full of regret of not saying Yes before he left, guilty that I spilled my hurt and pain to him that I took much time.”

The  last words she posted: “Either I am a fool or a I am stupid. I have not option, but now to live my life as it is. Everything is again back to zero. And he is again, nowhere”.

Negotiation failed and ended. From the moment his side came up with the demand that she does not work after marriage, Nikki’s story was not about LOVE but about POWER. A story that was about love would have looked something like this: (1) her bf wouldn’t have ended contact with Niki during the 3rd step of negotiation and kept her blocked for 2 months, and (2) when the bf begged her to reconcile,  broken and sick, Niki would have expressed her hurt and anger, but not for as long as she did. Sooner than later, her empathy for him would have been greater than her anger and quest for power.

2nd part of this post is about your story, Sushmita. First difference in your story: “I belong to so called upper caste and my boyfriend of 3 years belonged to low caste“, 2nd difference: “He is financially far better than me”, that is, the lower caste individual has more money than the upper caste parents and daughter.

In your story, unlike in Niki’s story, there are 3 sides: bf’s side (Side A), Sushmita’s side (Side B), and Sushmita’s parents’ side (Side C). Bf’s parents seem to be the same side as him and they are not involved in the negotiation.

In Niki’s story the 4 sides actively negotiated through 10 steps or so. In your story there is only one side negotiating and that side is you (Side B): “I tried to talk to him and convince him to let me take a stand and fight for it but he just asks me to focus on my career and that time will heal this…I have left talking to my parents and my family. Sometimes my mother says that she will meet him and that her and my father are with me. But then next day she says this is not possible. You have brought shame to us… he’ll consider this in future if parents agree… Just keep moving forward until these feelings end and if parents agree we’ll talk”.

The former bf (Side A) is not negotiating. His initial position was and still is: if it happens, it happens; if it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen. Your parents (Side C) are not really negotiating their initial position which is NO.

Yesterday, you shared: “I am feeling so much depressed lately, I stay in bed all the time… Like my brain is put to some anesthesia“- I think that negotiating ALL BY YOURSELF has caused you too much pain and your brain got to be numb as a result.

“Then they (parents) curse me in abusive words…how do I jump into the race of competitive exams. Every second I am suffocating and only surrounded by negative thoughts…. Every second I just think about him. More of some obsession“- the only side to the negotiation is obsessed with negotiating… all by herself, and she is suffocated by her own one-side futile negotiation.

I wish that your parents never cursed and abused you. They are very wrong to curse and abuse you. But why not prevent receiving more abuse from them by letting go of this futile, obsessive, one-side negotiating?

Today, you wrote: “From Niko’s story I am able to conclude two things. First being if it’s not destined it’ll not happen“- can you apply this to your story, your life?

“and second that we should prioritise ourselves and not give emotional reaction to situations like these!… Suffering alone should not be an option“- can you, please, apply this to you, your story, your life?

anita