Dear Sushmita:

Since the topic is arranged marriages in India, I looked at Wikipedia’s on the topic. Here’s a summary: despite the facts that (1) romantic love is very much celebrated in Indian mass media, such as in Bollywood,  (2) there is no law that says that marriages have to be arranged, (3) modernization in India, particularly in urban areas—> arranged marriages are still, very much the norm in India.

The practice of arranged marriages, particularly in urban areas, is not like it used to be. Currently, it is common that parents arrange for their sons (21 and older) and daughters (18 and older) to meet with multiple potential spouses with an accepted right to refuse. And so, the term “arranged marriage” increasingly refers to marriages between consenting adults, and therefore, arranged marriages are not necessarily forced marriages.  Currently, because of the internet, many parents use matchmaking websites such as shaadi. com, which claims to be the largest matrimonial service in the world. Horoscope matchmaking is very common, basing matches on individuals’ astrological birth charts.

It is also common in India that a couple meets by themselves, get involved romantically, and then the couple orchestrates their own marriage through the process of arranged marriage. These marriages are often referred to as “self-arranged marriages“, or “love-arranged marriages“.

Usually, prospective spouses are looked for from families belonging to the same religion, caste, and having the same language and food habits. The profession, financial position and social status of individuals are also considered. There is an obsession with choosing men who hold government jobs because they are considered to be safer and offer more stability. Physical appearances are also taken into account: “Matrimonial advertisement often advertise skin pigmentation of the girl such as Fair, Wheatish, etc. Fair tones are considered advantageous”.

The divorce rate in India: it is extremely low, only 1.1% (although rising) compared to 45.8% in the U.S.

Quora. com/ Are couples in Indian arranged marriages happy? Indranil Ganguli (an individual contributor, her opinion): “(In)) India… There are huge differences in the mentality between village and city people. Plus caste, religious, linguistic differences are also vivid. My answer is based on people who live in tier-1 and tier-2 cities in India, both bride and groom are university graduates and/or working class and belong from rich or upper middle class or middle class families…

“In love marriage, at least you know your partner well before marriage. This is the best part of love marriage. You know each other’s personality, both positive and negative sides, likes and dislikes. It is a great joy and perfect happiness to live with someone you already love… But now the question is why there is more divorce than arranged marriage. The main reason… The initial rush of excitement only lasted for one year maximum, the spark of sexual life goes at a faster pace. Boring fast. Easily attract to other person because free mixing with opposite sex is not as difficult now…

“In arranged marriages, couples barely know each other before marriage and are therefore not in love with each other….You can’t marry some stranger and suddenly love them….Before marriage couples try to get to know each other, but under strict monitoring from their parents during their courtship, which lasts for five to six meetings… Marriages are made based upon how much the guy is earning and the looks of the girls…. The sad reality is very few are really happy in arranged marriages. It’s a forced marriage. It is a business deal between two families. No real love and no bonding between husband and wife. Elders of their family and relatives even grandparents interfere every aspect in their life. Given the higher rate of arranged marriages in the country, divorces are low because of the intense involvement of families on both sides…

“In the last 25-30 years most of the boys and girls, particularly metro boys and girls has had minimum 3–4 affair before marriage plus one night stand, hook-up, tons of opposite sex friend plus alcohols-smoke-night club. The said reality is a such kind of boys and girls never forgets their ex/s, because in their subconscious mind there is always acute pain for ex/s all the time even at the time of intimacy with their spouse after marriage. They are generally never happy with their spouse. The brutal truth is they never feel the same level of passion they had in their past affair/s in their teenage and twenties. Deep down inside there will always be a room for their ex/s. No matter even their spouse is far better than their ex/s. Their hero/heroine is always their ex/s.

“Having a relationship/s in the past is not a wrong thing but maintaining such a relationship simultaneously after marriage is the worst. Many married people secretly continue their affair with their ex/s (thanks to social media). Sometimes divorce and move to their ex. Even if they do not divorce their spouse, lie, cheat, sleep around and then make a fool of their hapless spouse their entire life… In conclusion In arranged marriage a husband-wife may be physically attached with each other but not mentally. Only a small percentage of couples are happy. So it is surely that love marriage is better than arranged marriages if you control your sexual desire before marriage.”

And now, to your recent post, Sushmita: “If I have him in my heart and I Marry someone else someday it will be injustice to the other person as well… one of my mother’s cousin (46), her father did not let her marry the man she wanted to.. .I don’t want to give myself to anyone. Especially when love is arranged. You are forced to get married. Then give birth to 2 children. Then a lifetime of responsibilities all for what? …The heart wants what it wants. If they didn’t agree to meet the one I wanted them to meet, why I should meet the one they want me to meet”-

– from my understanding, neither you nor your boyfriend at the time ever considered marriage without the approval of your parents and his parents. It was either you get approval OR you don’t get married. Neither one of you considered getting married (it is legal in India for adults to get married without parents’ approval), and moving far away from the disapproving parents, so that their disapproval and abuse is no longer part of your lives.

When you told your parents about your relationship, and when you tried to persuade them to agree to a marriage, borrowing the term from Wikipedia, you aimed at a self-arranged, or love-arranged marriage: you were trying to take your years-long relationship through a retroactive process of an arranged marriage, which means, to get your parents to retroactively approve of the relationship  and to get them involved in marriage plans and in your life as a married woman, as much as they want to get involved.

It was all up to your parents, they have their socially given POWER. You and your then boyfriend had NO POWER. Your former boyfriend knew it from the moment he learned of their disapproval, but you didn’t know: “I so firmly believe in fighting  for Love“, you wrote a month ago (July 13), not understanding that you are not in a position to fight against your parents’ disapproval and win… because they have the power, and you don’t.

Do you agree with the Wikipedia summary and the Quora quote above?

anita