Hi aVoid!

I’m glad that you had a nice trip with your girlfriend. This tells me that your plan to develop a routine could help you a lot. I hope that you plan to take another trip with your girlfriend as soon as you are both able. It a well deserved respite. I agree with your plan to start small when developing a routine.

I used to have similar difficulties with routine and this method was most beneficial for me. Following are some things that I learned and found helpful. Dealing with the negative self talk, criticizing myself for not doing enough was the hardest part. My partner gave me some great advice. A business rule is that if you get 30% done of what you planned to do in the day, that is a good day. Of course, it is okay to take a short break from your routine if you feel really bad. The trick is to have compassion for yourself when that happens. You are dealing with a lot of challenges emotionally, it can take a toll. Taking care of yourself emotionally on bad days is important. There will be good days and bad days. I like to celebrate small achievements, it can encourage good habits. This could look like whatever you choose… Some examples, I write down and acknowledge when I have completed tasks that I wanted to complete. I have a to do list app as well, so I get a small burst of dopamine now when I check something off the list and it makes a ding noise. I also take before and after pictures so I can reflect and say that looks so much better now. I like to take breaks in between doing things, so eating lunch or a snack is a nice reward, or watching something on TV. I also try and focus on the reason why I want to do a task. When I change the bedsheets I do so because I have allergies and changing the sheets will help my breathing. I cut the grass because it wouldn’t be nice for my neighbors to look at it disheveled and I want to have pride in taking care of my home.

I’m sorry that the trauma you experienced as a child has scarred you so deeply. You didn’t deserve it, like any child you deserved to be safe, happy and protected. I’m glad that you have a loving girlfriend, this love is what you always deserved.

I wonder, are you still in contact with your “family”?