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  • #404650
    aVoid
    Participant

    This is hard to write right now. I haven’t slept and I’ve been drinking. But let me give some context.

     

    Just like a lot of people, I’ve had a rough childhood. My mother was absent and my father was strict. His family abused me and I resented them for it. I spent most my life wanting revenge. I had became addicted to alcohol and other vices. I wanted to end my life so many times, and I’ve tried.

     

    Currently, I am sitting here after an infinity of restless nights. My life has gotten much better. I moved across the country to start over. I met someone who I am currently with and she loves me. I am successful. I have everything a man needs and wants. But I feel nothing. I feel empty.

     

    Every night I struggle to fall asleep and this is the hardest. I have a hard time motivating myself to complete mundane tasks. Living is hard. I have so many goals and aspirations. But I struggle doing anything because I feel so defeated.

     

    I think it’s safe to say that I have chronic depression. Always have since I was a child. I learned to live with it. But now my insomnia has gotten worse. I can’t sleep. We all know how important sleep is. I need this. I need to sleep. I want to so bad. But I can’t, my mind causes my to stay awake every night. I am so sleep deprived and I don’t know what to do. It’s harder to do anything now. Harder to express myself here. I feel like I’m slowly withering away.

     

    It’s eating me away. My mind is eating itself.

    #404662
    anita
    Participant

    Dear aVoid:

    My mother was absent and my father was strict“- the absence of a mother and the absence of kindness from anywhere else created a Void in you, didn’t it?

    His family abused me” – the abuse dug into the Void, making it bigger.

    and I resented them for it. I spent most my life wanting revenge“- anger about the unfairness of what happened to you naturally poured into the Void.

    I had become addicted to alcohol and other vices” – the Void is devoid of good feelings, but it is not devoid of feelings: hurt and anger, shame, guilt and desperation rush into the Void. You poured alcohol and other vices into the void, trying to replace the bad feelings with good feelings (or to just get a break from the bad feelings), didn’t you?

    I wanted to end my life so many times, and I’ve tried” – it is too painful and too frustrating to wake up every day to the same Void day, year after year. It is disheartening to find out- every time you feel better- that the good feeling is temporary, and the Void is right around the corner. It is like waking up every day to the same empty day.

    My life has gotten much better. I moved across the country to start over. I met someone who I am currently with and she loves me. I am successful. I have everything a man needs and wants. But I feel nothing. I feel empty” – A woman loves you but her love cannot fill the Void any more than alcohol can. Material success and belongings cannot fill the Void either.

    Currently, I am sitting here after an infinity of restless nights…  Every night I struggle to fall asleep…  I have so many goals and aspirations. But I struggle doing anything because I feel so defeated. I think it’s safe to say that I have chronic depression. Always have since I was a child. I learned to live with it. But now my insomnia has gotten worse…  I am so sleep deprived and I don’t know what to do.. My mind is eating itself” – I think that you need to do something different about the Void. I think that living with it for so long has defeated you, and your mind is sick and tired of waking up to yet another day that is the same, empty, Void day… so it is on some kind of a strike: it won’t sleep before it is promised that it will wake up to a different day, a day with a plan for a real solution to the Void.

    Let’s explore the Void together, a Void. I think that I can help you and myself in regard to the Void (if we have, or can develop a similar-enough understanding).

    anita

     

    #404672
    aVoid
    Participant

    In the past I struggled with feelings of loneliness, guilt and shame. But now I’ve learned to accept these feelings. Except sometimes I feel ashamed of myself because there are accomplishments that I want to achieve and I feel mentally weak to complete them. So I guess I get in a dark place when I realize this.

     

    What is the most difficult for me is my battle with insomnia. Every night I spend too much time with racing thoughts about everything that I can not sleep. My mind is just too active.

    #404673
    Helcat
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi aVoid</p>
    To me, it sounds like you could have PTSD. I had a similar experience and for a large chunk of my life, I felt similarly. Empty, emotionless, lacking motivation.

    Emotional numbing or repressing emotions often develops during abuse when it is not safe to express feelings. It can also be a coping mechanism to avoid feeling very intense emotions.

    A trauma therapist can be helpful to learn to connect to these difficult emotions in a healthy way.

    A specific symptom of depression can be a lack of interest in activities that you used to enjoy.

    Do these sound like experiences that you identify with?

    Hmm I tried various things with insomnia. I found melatonin helpful. Have you tried it yet? It is a sleep hormone that occurs in people. You can purchase it as a supplement. A very low dose 0.5mg is often recommended to mimic normal hormone production. But you can take more if needed. Some people find valerian root helpful. I wasn’t a fan though.

    It’s taken a long time to train myself and develop sleep hygiene to get past the insomnia. Music was very helpful for me to relax and distract my mind. Anything that relaxes you can be helpful. It will take some time but I encourage you to experiment and develop a sleep hygiene routine  that works for you.

    When I’m very stressed I break out all of the tools, music, a cup of herbal sleepy tea, candles and teddies. It might be silly, but whatever works as long as it helps. I hope you get some sleep soon!

    #404678
    anita
    Participant

    Dear aVoid:

    I will reply to you further in about 10 hours from now.

    anita

    #404688
    aVoid
    Participant

    @Helcat

    I have tried melatonin, but it doesn’t work. No matter how tired I am, it’s still very difficult for me. Music also doesn’t seem to help. I think I’ve tried everything in the books. Nothing so far.

     


    @anita

    Okay.

    I am going on a 2 week vacation tomorrow. I’ll be spending a lot of time camping and reflecting. Hopefully this will give me a break that I need. I won’t be able to reply often during this time. But when I get the chance I’ll definitely check back.

    #404714
    anita
    Participant

    Dear aVoid:

    “Sometimes I feel ashamed of myself because there are accomplishments that I want to achieve and I feel mentally weak to complete them. So I guess I get in a dark place when I realize this… Every night I spend too much time with racing thoughts about everything that I cannot sleep. My mind is just too active… I am going on a 2 week vacation tomorrow”-

    – here is what I suggest regarding your 2-week vacation and for the entirety of the two weeks: lose any and all motivation to accomplish anything that in the past you wanted to achieve. Allow yourself to be mentally weak. Imagine that this vacation is the rest of your life, that nothing happens after.

    anita

     

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