July 28, 2022 at 7:58 am #404650
This is hard to write right now. I haven’t slept and I’ve been drinking. But let me give some context.
Just like a lot of people, I’ve had a rough childhood. My mother was absent and my father was strict. His family abused me and I resented them for it. I spent most my life wanting revenge. I had became addicted to alcohol and other vices. I wanted to end my life so many times, and I’ve tried.
Currently, I am sitting here after an infinity of restless nights. My life has gotten much better. I moved across the country to start over. I met someone who I am currently with and she loves me. I am successful. I have everything a man needs and wants. But I feel nothing. I feel empty.
Every night I struggle to fall asleep and this is the hardest. I have a hard time motivating myself to complete mundane tasks. Living is hard. I have so many goals and aspirations. But I struggle doing anything because I feel so defeated.
I think it’s safe to say that I have chronic depression. Always have since I was a child. I learned to live with it. But now my insomnia has gotten worse. I can’t sleep. We all know how important sleep is. I need this. I need to sleep. I want to so bad. But I can’t, my mind causes my to stay awake every night. I am so sleep deprived and I don’t know what to do. It’s harder to do anything now. Harder to express myself here. I feel like I’m slowly withering away.
It’s eating me away. My mind is eating itself.July 28, 2022 at 9:37 am #404662
“My mother was absent and my father was strict“- the absence of a mother and the absence of kindness from anywhere else created a Void in you, didn’t it?
“His family abused me” – the abuse dug into the Void, making it bigger.
“and I resented them for it. I spent most my life wanting revenge“- anger about the unfairness of what happened to you naturally poured into the Void.
“I had become addicted to alcohol and other vices” – the Void is devoid of good feelings, but it is not devoid of feelings: hurt and anger, shame, guilt and desperation rush into the Void. You poured alcohol and other vices into the void, trying to replace the bad feelings with good feelings (or to just get a break from the bad feelings), didn’t you?
“I wanted to end my life so many times, and I’ve tried” – it is too painful and too frustrating to wake up every day to the same Void day, year after year. It is disheartening to find out- every time you feel better- that the good feeling is temporary, and the Void is right around the corner. It is like waking up every day to the same empty day.
“My life has gotten much better. I moved across the country to start over. I met someone who I am currently with and she loves me. I am successful. I have everything a man needs and wants. But I feel nothing. I feel empty” – A woman loves you but her love cannot fill the Void any more than alcohol can. Material success and belongings cannot fill the Void either.
“Currently, I am sitting here after an infinity of restless nights… Every night I struggle to fall asleep… I have so many goals and aspirations. But I struggle doing anything because I feel so defeated. I think it’s safe to say that I have chronic depression. Always have since I was a child. I learned to live with it. But now my insomnia has gotten worse… I am so sleep deprived and I don’t know what to do.. My mind is eating itself” – I think that you need to do something different about the Void. I think that living with it for so long has defeated you, and your mind is sick and tired of waking up to yet another day that is the same, empty, Void day… so it is on some kind of a strike: it won’t sleep before it is promised that it will wake up to a different day, a day with a plan for a real solution to the Void.
Let’s explore the Void together, a Void. I think that I can help you and myself in regard to the Void (if we have, or can develop a similar-enough understanding).
anitaJuly 28, 2022 at 2:43 pm #404672
In the past I struggled with feelings of loneliness, guilt and shame. But now I’ve learned to accept these feelings. Except sometimes I feel ashamed of myself because there are accomplishments that I want to achieve and I feel mentally weak to complete them. So I guess I get in a dark place when I realize this.
What is the most difficult for me is my battle with insomnia. Every night I spend too much time with racing thoughts about everything that I can not sleep. My mind is just too active.July 28, 2022 at 2:55 pm #404673
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi aVoid</p>
To me, it sounds like you could have PTSD. I had a similar experience and for a large chunk of my life, I felt similarly. Empty, emotionless, lacking motivation.
Emotional numbing or repressing emotions often develops during abuse when it is not safe to express feelings. It can also be a coping mechanism to avoid feeling very intense emotions.
A trauma therapist can be helpful to learn to connect to these difficult emotions in a healthy way.
A specific symptom of depression can be a lack of interest in activities that you used to enjoy.
Do these sound like experiences that you identify with?
Hmm I tried various things with insomnia. I found melatonin helpful. Have you tried it yet? It is a sleep hormone that occurs in people. You can purchase it as a supplement. A very low dose 0.5mg is often recommended to mimic normal hormone production. But you can take more if needed. Some people find valerian root helpful. I wasn’t a fan though.
It’s taken a long time to train myself and develop sleep hygiene to get past the insomnia. Music was very helpful for me to relax and distract my mind. Anything that relaxes you can be helpful. It will take some time but I encourage you to experiment and develop a sleep hygiene routine that works for you.
When I’m very stressed I break out all of the tools, music, a cup of herbal sleepy tea, candles and teddies. It might be silly, but whatever works as long as it helps. I hope you get some sleep soon!July 28, 2022 at 8:31 pm #404678
I will reply to you further in about 10 hours from now.
anitaJuly 29, 2022 at 12:48 am #404688
I have tried melatonin, but it doesn’t work. No matter how tired I am, it’s still very difficult for me. Music also doesn’t seem to help. I think I’ve tried everything in the books. Nothing so far.
I am going on a 2 week vacation tomorrow. I’ll be spending a lot of time camping and reflecting. Hopefully this will give me a break that I need. I won’t be able to reply often during this time. But when I get the chance I’ll definitely check back.July 29, 2022 at 11:06 am #404714
“Sometimes I feel ashamed of myself because there are accomplishments that I want to achieve and I feel mentally weak to complete them. So I guess I get in a dark place when I realize this… Every night I spend too much time with racing thoughts about everything that I cannot sleep. My mind is just too active… I am going on a 2 week vacation tomorrow”-
– here is what I suggest regarding your 2-week vacation and for the entirety of the two weeks: lose any and all motivation to accomplish anything that in the past you wanted to achieve. Allow yourself to be mentally weak. Imagine that this vacation is the rest of your life, that nothing happens after.
anitaAugust 15, 2022 at 10:44 am #405444
I am back from my trip. I decided that I am going to find a therapist in my area. Sometimes it’s nice being able to just talk to someone and I think that is what I’m lacking in life. I’ve never had anyone close enough to feel comfortable sharing how I feel. My whole life, I feel as though I’ve isolated myself from the world. That I’ve been alone for all these years and every interaction that I’ve exchanged with anyone is ingenuine or just doesn’t feel authentic. It feels like I’m a separate entity, co-existing with everything around me.
I understand that I’ve got some deep trauma from my childhood. I suffered greatly and when I became independent I continued to suffer because the pain has burrowed so deep into my soul. I’ve always found solace in vices that only caused harm to me, mostly alcohol and tobacco. In fact, I’ve gone through many bouts of alcoholism and self destructive behavior that caused implications in my relationships and life in general. To only be pushing everyone away and reinforcing my isolation.
To me, I find my life to be a great deal of suffering, for every approach I make to find meaning in it, there is a cynic in me. I always hear his voice in my head, convincing me that the only thing this world has to offer is the inevitable continuing of pain and loneliness. Silently, I’ve been living in my own hell. And so many times I dream to end it all. But it seems as though there’s always a glimmer of hope somewhere that keeps me from committing to such a permanent end.
It is hard, and all I want is for it to end. But I feel so lost and alone. I don’t know where to start. It’s like some supernatural power such as a dark cloud is hanging about my head. Or a disease that plagues my mind. I can only dream for a cure, but I do feel hopeless. That maybe this is who I am now. That the monsters I’ve been fighting my whole life are who I’ve now become.
One thing is for certain, it will come to an end. But whether it’s by one day, finally breaking myself free from these chains, or dying here, alone in this dungeon. I just hope that it isn’t the latter.August 15, 2022 at 1:20 pm #405452
You are welcome. Good to read back from you. You returned to your thread just like you said you will. I like it when a person does what he says he’ll do.
“My mother was absent and my father was strict. His family abused me… I’ve isolated myself from the world…It feels like I’m a separate entity“-
-A baby, a toddler, a young child cannot separate himself from his parents/ caretakers. In the young child’s mind, the two (caretaker + child) are one entity. When the parent-part of the entity threatens the child-part of the entity, the child-part exits the entity, and the child becomes divorced from himself, exiled.
“I suffered greatly and when I became independent I continued to suffer because the pain has burrowed so deep into my soul“- the pain is that of one living separately from oneself, a living-yet-not-living condition that no material good or accomplishment can fix (“I have everything a man needs and wants… there are accomplishments that I want to achieve“), and no vice can alleviate it for long.
You describe the experience of living in this state of separation as “a great deal of suffering… continuing of pain and loneliness… so lost and alone“- when you don’t have you, you suffer alone and lonely.
“Every interaction that I’ve exchanged with anyone is ingenuine or just doesn’t feel authentic“- the Greek prefix “auto” in the word authentic means “self”. When your interactions don’t have yourself in them in them, they can’t possibly feel genuine.
“I decided that I am going to find a therapist“- it wouldn’t be easy and it will be painful, but can you imagine how exciting it would be to reunite with … you?!!
anitaAugust 19, 2022 at 4:41 pm #405980
How are you, aVoid? I hope that you are close to finding a therapist that is right for you.
anitaAugust 23, 2022 at 12:18 am #406092
I haven’t searched for a therapist yet. But that is the goal.
Currently, I am feeling disappointed in myself. I have to many problems holding me back from being who I want to be. But it’s hard.
I feel that in this society we are induced in a coma. A coma of comfort and this comfort is a product of consumerism. We consume and consume. And that is our lives. We can never be ourselves because we are so indulged in our pleasures. And these pleasures replace our lives. Movies and video games replace entertainment. Porn replaces sex. Alcohol and cigarettes replaces therapists. Social media replaces friendships. And so on.
The result. Depression. That is why society is depressed because we no longer have meaning. We are hopeless. We gave up our virtues to become a byproduct of consumerism. We are obsessed with wealth and fame. We want everything but don’t want to work for it.
More than ever do I want to die. This life is a prison. I started vaping to quit smoking, but now I vape like a chimney. I waste hours every day playing video games, making connections to the characters, wishing I were them. I watch porn because I want to relieve myself of all the stress in my life.
Of course, there are personal inflictions caused throughout my life that put me in a state of weakness. Giving into my own vices. The vices of society that sedates me.
But all I want. Is to be a man. Is to have control over my life. I want to stop this. I want to quite smoking. I want to quite porn. I want to get out of the video games and come back to reality.
It pains me to contribute to this. I am suffering with all these things. I am not living my life.August 23, 2022 at 1:37 am #406093
How was your trip?
Can you tell me more about this glimmer of hope that keeps you alive?
It sounds like you have tried a lot of things to try and help you sleep. It’s a shame that melatonin hasn’t been helpful.
I see that you mentioned difficulties with alcohol. Are you aware that it causes issues with sleep? Additionally, it is a depressant that worstens depression and anxiety.
I would recommend speaking to a doctor about quitting drinking. There are medications available that can make the process much easier.August 23, 2022 at 1:46 am #406096
Nicotine also disrupts sleep. If you tackle one of these two issues at a time you are much more likely to succeed. I’m sure a doctor or a pharmacist could give you some advice about quitting smoking.
Recommendations suggest to not smoke or drink for 4 hours before bedtime.August 23, 2022 at 8:05 am #406101
Eight days ago, you wrote: “One thing is for certain, it will come to an end. But whether it’s by one day, finally breaking myself free from these chains, or dying here, alone in this dungeon. I just hope that it isn’t the latter”.
Today, you wrote: “Currently, I am feeling disappointed in myself. I have too many problems holding me back from being who I want to be“-
How about building pride in yourself for breaking free from your chains by creating and following a daily-weekly routine that will work best for you?
You identified the chains that are holding you back from being yourself as pleasures that you consume (“we can never be ourselves because we are so indulged in our pleasures“). You listed these pleasures: movie, video games, porn, alcohol, cigarettes (now vaping), social media.
“But all I want. Is to be a man. Is to have control over my life. I want to stop this. I want to quit smoking. I want to quit porn. I want to get out of the video games and come back to reality. But how?”- the answer is in your own words: “We want everything but don’t want to work for it“-
Work for it in this way: choose a daily- weekly routine that will work best for you, improve it, perfect it and follow it. When you wake up in the morning, what do you do? That will be the 1st item in your daily routine. At night, in bed, right before you are ready (or willing) to drift off to sleep, what do you do? That will be the last item in your daily routine.
Incorporate daily exercise into your routine (going to a gym?), maybe a long walk every day or every other day; guided meditations. Maybe spend half an hour a day on social media per day, watch a movie once a week, you decide. Make a daily plan in regard to the vices you want to quit: no porn at all (?) Perhaps an hour every other day of video games. One alcoholic drink per day, for now? You decide.
In regard to vaping, I read that Nicotine Replacement Therapy (NRT) is considered the first-line treatment for most people who want to quit vaping and it’s available over the counter for adults.
“More than ever do I want to die“- say to yourself out loud: I want to live! Maybe it should be the first thing you say every day when you wake up? .
“I waste hours every day playing video games, making connections to the characters, wishing I were them“- become the character you wish to be by designing your own real-life daily-weekly routine. You are welcome to use your thread for the purpose of developing your routine.
anitaAugust 23, 2022 at 11:47 pm #406109
My trip was good. I did it with my girlfriend so I don’t feel like I had the time to focus on myself.
I think once I get some bad habits out of the way, then I’m sure my sleep will improve.
I did succeed in managing my alcohol consumption. But smoking is still a consistent habit. I checked out that NRT thing you were talking about and I see there’s nictotine inhalers. I’m going to pick one up tomorrow. I’ve tried gum and the mouth spray, neither worked for me. It’s the smoking part that is addicting. I need something to inhale so I think that will help.
I agree with you completely when you talk about having a routine. This is what I lack. I’ve always known I needed a routine, but I can never get myself to do it. And when I do start one, I fall out of it. That is when I try to do everything. But I think a better strategy for me is to start small. As of now, I’ve been trying to start with an early morning, but I’ve kept sleeping in due to my late bedtimes.
This morning, I will try to wake up at a decent time, doesn’t have to be super early, and then do a simple aerobic exercise. Something to get my heart rate up. Then I will start focusing on tasks that I need to get done to keep productivity.
I will reply with an update when I can to how I’m doing with this.
Thanks for the advice.