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aVoid

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  • #410565
    aVoid
    Participant

    It makes sense. I just find that there is too much divide in the world created by greed. You look around at these useless, giant mansions celebrities live in with their families, when at the same time you can travel to a unfortunate part of the world and you’ll find a family two times the size living in a bungalow.

     

    Yet the latter family will seem happier. This is because we are consumers. We want more and more. We can never be grateful with what we have. A good example of this is a book by Ayn Rand called, Atlas Shrugged. The book surrounds the authors belief that “the world is best served when individuals act entirely in their own rational self-interest.” Though, as you can see that society has become selfish. Society as a whole does act in it’s in selfish goals. But I do not see any benefit of this. Too many are suffering alone, depressed and lonely.

    #410508
    aVoid
    Participant

    @anita

     

    It’s been some time since I came back here. I have been focused on becoming more productive with my time. I’m still not where I want to be, but I see progress. I am doing better than before. But my existence in this world feels lonely and it is sometimes hard to sincerely smile.

     

    I do believe that we are living in a world were we have to suffer alone. I do not think that our togetherness is enough anymore. I believe this because of the world we live in is slowly collapsing. The economy is failing, society has turned to exiling people based on beliefs, and we are all depressed. We are going back to the stone age. Maybe one day we can come together and realize the hell we created for ourselves. But if not, we will create something, such as a machine with AI so intelligent that it learns that the human race a parasite to the world and there is genocide until mankind is no more.

    #407167
    aVoid
    Participant

    Thanks for all the advice everyone.

    I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking and I came to the conclusion that I lack conscientious which is why I’m struggling so much. I decided to start practicing mindfulness through cleaning and organizing my living environment, focusing on the present moment and meditation.

    I’ve been feeling a lot better and I’ve managed to quit smoking a couple of days ago. Everything was going great until last night.

    I had people over and I drank too much. I’ve became much more responsible with alcohol than I was before, but I still manage to become influenced by the people around me if they’re drinking a lot.

    When we left to go to the bars, I started feeling quite drunk. At the bar is when I realized that I was pretty intoxicated so I started drinking water. I’m proud of myself for this because in the past I would’ve kept drinking.

    But for some reason no amount of water was helping me. It seemed that I was getting more intoxicated as the night went on. Eventually I went to a fast food joint to get some burgers and head home.

     

    This is when things got bad. I felt really sick and I was throwing up in the toilet. I then decided to take a bath so I ran the tap and laid down in the tub. I guess it was the warmth of the water and my extreme fatigue, I fell asleep. When I awoke I turned off the tap and stepped out of the tub to head to bed. Except something was strange. The floor was flooded with water and it continued throughout my apartment.

    At this moment I thought I was dreaming due to my state. So I went to bed. The morning after I had someone come by to clean up the water because it leaked down to the apartment below. Luckily, my building is concrete and the floor is vinyl, so the damage was minimal.

    I told my friend and he said that I’m lucky to not have drowned. This is true. I’m lucky the damage wasn’t worse.

    I’m just disappointed in myself for drinking so much and flooding my apartment. All that could’ve been avoided. But all I can do now is focus on moving past this. I’m hoping I learned from this and next time there’s company, I’ll control myself.

     

    Other than this tragic event, my moods been much better and I can finally feel like I’m healing. Slowly but surely.

    #406529
    aVoid
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>@hellcat</p>
    I understand that small achievements should be celebrated. But it’s hard for me because I have such high expectations for myself.

    In regards to your last question, my father past away years ago and I don’t keep in contact with that side of the family. My mother on the other hand, I still keep in contact with her, but I’m not really close. I’m close with my brother though. He means a lot to me. We’ve been through everything together.

     


    @anita

    I like that quote.

     

    This week I’ve been trying hard to get into a routine but I’ve been on and off. I wanted to have results before I replied but I can’t seem to get them.

    The hardest part is going to sleep. Im up until the a.m. and it creates too much of a barrier into waking up early. It feels like every night I try to sleep my mind reminds me of the trauma of my past and it keeps me up. It suppresses me and puts me in a dark place.

    Im looking for a therapist right now. Im going to try to call them tomorrow. I think I really need to talk to someone. But it’s hard finding the right person. I just feel that no one cares, or if they do they don’t understand.

    #406111
    aVoid
    Participant

    I’m not a religious person, nor am I a cynic. But sometimes I really feel that I need to travel to Mount Athos and become a orthodox monk. To live a monastic life. Stripping myself of technology and isolating myself from modern society.

     

    But this is a stretch. It’s a huge commitment and I would lose my relationship. The only thing that I have that I wouldn’t want to lose.

    #406109
    aVoid
    Participant

    @Helcat

    My trip was good. I did it with my girlfriend so I don’t feel like I had the time to focus on myself.

    I think once I get some bad habits out of the way, then I’m sure my sleep will improve.

     


    @anita

     

    I did succeed in managing my alcohol consumption. But smoking is still a consistent habit. I checked out that NRT thing you were talking about and I see there’s nictotine inhalers. I’m going to pick one up tomorrow. I’ve tried gum and the mouth spray, neither worked for me. It’s the smoking part that is addicting. I need something to inhale so I think that will help.

     

    I agree with you completely when you talk about having a routine. This is what I lack. I’ve always known I needed a routine, but I can never get myself to do it. And when I do start one, I fall out of it. That is when I try to do everything. But I think a better strategy for me is to start small. As of now, I’ve been trying to start with an early morning, but I’ve kept sleeping in due to my late bedtimes.

     

    This morning, I will try to wake up at a decent time, doesn’t have to be super early, and then do a simple aerobic exercise. Something to get my heart rate up. Then I will start focusing on tasks that I need to get done to keep productivity.

     

    I will reply with an update when I can to how I’m doing with this.

     

    Thanks for the advice.

    #406092
    aVoid
    Participant

    Hi @anita,

    I haven’t searched for a therapist yet. But that is the goal.

     

    Currently, I am feeling disappointed in myself. I have to many problems holding me back from being who I want to be. But it’s hard.

     

    I feel that in this society we are induced in a coma. A coma of comfort and this comfort is a product of consumerism. We consume and consume. And that is our lives. We can never be ourselves because we are so indulged in our pleasures. And these pleasures replace our lives. Movies and video games replace entertainment. Porn replaces sex. Alcohol and cigarettes replaces therapists. Social media replaces friendships. And so on.

     

    The result. Depression. That is why society is depressed because we no longer have meaning. We are hopeless. We gave up our virtues to become a byproduct of consumerism. We are obsessed with wealth and fame. We want everything but don’t want to work for it.

     

    More than ever do I want to die. This life is a prison. I started vaping to quit smoking, but now I vape like a chimney. I waste hours every day playing video games, making connections to the characters, wishing I were them. I watch porn because I want to relieve myself of all the stress in my life.

     

    Of course, there are personal inflictions caused throughout my life that put me in a state of weakness. Giving into my own vices. The vices of society that sedates me.

     

    But all I want. Is to be a man. Is to have control over my life. I want to stop this. I want to quite smoking. I want to quite porn. I want to get out of the video games and come back to reality.

     

    but how?

     

    It pains me to contribute to this. I am suffering with all these things. I am not living my life.

    #405444
    aVoid
    Participant

    @anita

     

    Thanks anita,

     

    I am back from my trip. I decided that I am going to find a therapist in my area. Sometimes it’s nice being able to just talk to someone and I think that is what I’m lacking in life. I’ve never had anyone close enough to feel comfortable sharing how I feel. My whole life, I feel as though I’ve isolated myself from the world. That I’ve been alone for all these years and every interaction that I’ve exchanged with anyone is ingenuine or just doesn’t feel authentic. It feels like I’m a separate entity, co-existing with everything around me.

     

    I understand that I’ve got some deep trauma from my childhood. I suffered greatly and when I became independent I continued to suffer because the pain has burrowed so deep into my soul. I’ve always found solace in vices that only caused harm to me, mostly alcohol and tobacco. In fact, I’ve gone through many bouts of alcoholism and self destructive behavior that caused implications in my relationships and life in general. To only be pushing everyone away and reinforcing my isolation.

     

    To me, I find my life to be a great deal of suffering, for every approach I make to find meaning in it, there is a cynic in me. I always hear his voice in my head, convincing me that the only thing this world has to offer is the inevitable continuing of pain and loneliness. Silently, I’ve been living in my own hell. And so many times I dream to end it all. But it seems as though there’s always a glimmer of hope somewhere that keeps me from committing to such a permanent end.

     

    It is hard, and all I want is for it to end. But I feel so lost and alone. I don’t know where to start. It’s like some supernatural power such as a dark cloud is hanging about my head. Or a disease that plagues my mind. I can only dream for a cure, but I do feel hopeless. That maybe this is who I am now. That the monsters I’ve been fighting my whole life are who I’ve now become.

     

    One thing is for certain, it will come to an end. But whether it’s by one day, finally breaking myself free from these chains, or dying here, alone in this dungeon. I just hope that it isn’t the latter.

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #404688
    aVoid
    Participant

    @Helcat

    I have tried melatonin, but it doesn’t work. No matter how tired I am, it’s still very difficult for me. Music also doesn’t seem to help. I think I’ve tried everything in the books. Nothing so far.

     


    @anita

    Okay.

    I am going on a 2 week vacation tomorrow. I’ll be spending a lot of time camping and reflecting. Hopefully this will give me a break that I need. I won’t be able to reply often during this time. But when I get the chance I’ll definitely check back.

    #404672
    aVoid
    Participant

    In the past I struggled with feelings of loneliness, guilt and shame. But now I’ve learned to accept these feelings. Except sometimes I feel ashamed of myself because there are accomplishments that I want to achieve and I feel mentally weak to complete them. So I guess I get in a dark place when I realize this.

     

    What is the most difficult for me is my battle with insomnia. Every night I spend too much time with racing thoughts about everything that I can not sleep. My mind is just too active.

Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)