Dear Quala:

“There are so many times that he is super close to women, that their closeness is more than a girlfriend… when he was in high school until now (he is in college). They tease each other… It is okay for me that my boyfriend has female friends but not that much closeness”-

-these are my thoughts: (1) Generally, teenagers and people in their early 20s have a very strong need to socialize/ interact a lot with their peers, in high school and in college. When they leave college and get busy with work, with getting married and living as married people, people generally stop socializing with their high school/ college peers and socialize instead with co-workers (at work and after work) and with other married people: ex., getting together on weekends so that the kids can play together. Your boyfriend is in his early 20s, single (not married), still in college, so no wonder that he socializes with his peers, including with female peers. It is natural and it is not wrong, on his part.

(2) If he socializes/ interact with female peers in sexual ways (ex. tells them they look sexy, that he wishes he was their boyfriend, touches them sensually, etc.), then it is wrong on his part because he is in a relationship with you.

(3) If your mood is generally uptight, upset,  ill at ease- he may be drawn to socialize with peers who appear calm,  carefree and happy, including with female peers who appear this way.

(4)  Many people prefer to socialize with one gender over the other, but not for sexual reasons: some men prefer to socialize with women because they perceive them to be soft and/ or motherly.

(5) When a woman has a low self-esteem, when she doesn’t really like herself, she is inclined to be very sensitive to her boyfriend’s/ husband’s behavior around other women. If he says anything nice to a woman, if he looks at a woman for a few seconds too long (or so the girlfriend feels), the girlfriend feels hurt, alarmed, scared and upset, thinking that he is thinking that the other woman is prettier, more interesting, etc. And any time the boyfriend is a bit close to another woman (having a short, friendly conversation, for example), the jealous girlfriend thinks of his behavior as “super close” (your words).

“It hurts that that girl knows more about my boyfriend than me“- I don’t understand what you mean in this sentence and I would like to understand. What do girls know about your boyfriend that you don’t know?

“I am limiting myself to be friendly to other males, why he is not limiting himself also?“- I am guessing that the answer is that for you, it is not fun to be friendly and to socialize with male peers (because you are not carefree or not comfortable socializing with male peers), but for him, it is fun to be friendly and to socialize with female peers (because he is more carefree, in this context at least). What do you think?

anita