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Relationship with my boyfriend’s mom

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  • #406157
    Quala
    Participant

    My boyfriend and I are 5 years and still counting in our relationship. I appreciated it once when my boyfriend’s brother said that my boyfriend’s parents liked me. But, my boyfriend also said that his dad made fun of my appearance with my big eyes and thinness and recommended my boyfriend find something new. My family is a shy type and not good at socializing so sometimes when my boyfriend’s family comes over, it’s okay but there are times when they ignore my boyfriend’s family. Maybe because my father doesn’t like my boyfriend’s father because he believes that he is arrogant. And the point came, they always visit our house. But sometimes, I hide because I feel they really don’t like me and I’m ashamed of my appearance and our tiny house. There was also a time when I saw on her mom’s FB post that she recommended my boyfriend to her friend’s daughter who is more beautiful than me. I am depressed about what is happening. I don’t understand if my boyfriend’s parents really like me. Because now, I’m being greeted on my social media every birthday. Now, his mom also gives me gifts. I remember when it was my boyfriend’s birthday, I went but I felt that his aunt and even his grandmother didn’t like me because I saw and felt that they are not happy with me. also, my boyfriend still loves me. Please give me some advice because I can’t stop overthinking about continuing this relationship.

    #406169
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Quala:

    I will reply to you when I am back to the computer, in about 11 hours from now. If you would like yo add anything to what you shared, please do.

    anita

    #406171
    Quala
    Participant

    There was a time when my boyfriend posted a selfie of me and my boyfriend’s mom reacted “haha” and I was insulted. In addition, every time we go out, my boyfriend always says that his parents are proud of me because I am an intelligent, beautiful, and kind person.  Maybe they just said that because they were facing their son (my boyfriend). And now his mom is leaving for another country, I didn’t visit them anymore because I wasn’t visited here at our house either. I don’t know what is the real truth if my boyfriend’s parents really like me or not.

    #406172
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Quala

    I’m sorry to hear that you have been experiencing difficulty with your boyfriend’s parents.

    Does your boyfriend stand up to his parents when they make hurtful comments?

    I think it’s fairly normal for parents to have some issues with partners. They are always going to have their own opinion. But if your boyfriend is not telling them that their opinion is wrong that is a problem.

    For example, my husband’s family didn’t like me at first because I have a different ethic background. He stood up to them and told them they were being prejudice.

    My mom didn’t like my husband or want to spend time with him because she didn’t like that he used to be a therapist. I stood up to her and said if you don’t want to spend time with him, you don’t want to spend time with me.

    Standing up for the people you love is very important! I feel like it’s damaging and disrespectful if that doesn’t happen.

    #406175
    Quala
    Participant

    Thanks for your advice. I really appreciate it! Next time, I will try to tell my boyfriend about this but I think he doesn’t seem to be able to defend me because he doesn’t want to disrespect his parents :(. But thank you again for your advice, I will suggest it to my boyfriend

    #406179
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Quala:

    Seems to me that your relationship is serious, being that it’s five years and counting and that his family and yours met each other multiple times. My guess (and it’s only a guess), from what you shared, is that your boyfriend’s parents like you, just like your boyfriend’s brother said. The making-fun comment that his father made about your big eyes and thinness is unfortunate: it is wrong and rude to make fun of anyone for any reason, but it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like you. It may be that he is just.. rude and that he enjoys making fun of people, not thinking- or caring-  about hurting another person’s feeling.

    my father doesn’t like my boyfriend’s father because he believes that he is arrogant“- maybe your boyfriend’s father is rude and arrogant.

    Do you think that your boyfriend told you about the comment that his father made (about your look and suggestion that he finds another woman) because he thought that it was a funny comment, a joke, or was he trying to hurt your feelings? Does your boyfriend ever say things that indicate that he is fun of you for any reason?

    There was also a time when I saw on her mom’s FB post that she recommended my boyfriend to her friend’s daughter who is more beautiful than me… his mom also gives me gifts“-  I imagine that she gives you gifts because she likes you. it was insensitive on her part to make the FB comment,  but again, it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t like you. It may mean that she was having fun with her friend on FB, joking,  and wasn’t thinking about you reading the comment.

    I am guessing that she didn’t post to her friend that her daughter is more beautiful than you, that this is something that you thought, right?

    “Sometimes, I hide because I feel they really don’t like me and I’m ashamed of my appearance and our tiny house… when it was my boyfriend’s birthday, I went but I felt that his aunt and even his grandmother didn’t like me because I saw and felt that they are not happy with me”-

    I boldfaced feel- felt because when you feel something, it does not mean that what you feel is necessarily true. There is a term called Emotional Reasoning: it refers to people who experience an emotion (they feel something) and reason that the emotion indicates reality, all without real evidence.

    You felt ashamed of your appearance at times before you ever met your boyfriend and his family, am I right? If so,  when you meet people who are important to you (like your boyfriend’s family members), you are inclined to worry about what they think of your physical appearance, and interpret their facial expressions and words to mean that they indeed think poorly about your physical appearance when it is not true.

    Let’s say that during your  boyfriend’s birthday his aunt had indigestion and she therefore felt physically uncomfortable. She looked your way while uncomfortable, not thinking about you at all. You noticed the discomfort in her face and thought to yourself something like: she must be thinking poorly of my appearance! – this is one example of emotional reasoning.

    Same thing about your tiny house: let’s say his parents visit you in your house and his mother says what a cute little house, and she means just what she said. But because you are already ashamed of your tiny house, you think something like: she doesn’t mean what she just said, she is making fun of our tiny house!- this is another example of emotional reasoning.

    I hope to read back from you and communicate with you a little further.

    anita

    #406181
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Quala:

    I  just realized that I didn’t read your second post. I don’t know how I missed it. But amazingly, it fits perfectly with my point about emotional reasoning:

    There was a time when my boyfriend posted a selfie of me and my boyfriend’s mom reacted ‘haha’ and I was insulted“- you interpreted her “haha” to mean that she thought something negative about you, but it was only an interpretation, one that is likely based on what you feel about yourself, and not on what she is thinking about you.

    Every time we go out, my boyfriend always says that his parents are proud of me because I am an intelligent, beautiful, and kind person.  Maybe they just said that because they were facing their son (my boyfriend)“- because you are not proud of yourself… because you think negatively about yourself, you don’t believe that it is possible for other people to think positively of you.

    I suffered myself, for many years, from a low self-esteem and I know how painful it is. I too interpreted other people facial expressions, words and behaviors to mean that they too had a low esteem for me. I would like to try and help you in this regard. Would you like to share more about your low self-esteem, when did it start and why?

    anita

    #406224
    Quala
    Participant

    Thank you

    #406229
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Quala. Anytime you want to post again, please do.

    anita

    #406251
    Quala
    Participant

    I just want to ask, why is it so hard to trust someone who hurt you without being aware of it? Yes, my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, but during our 2 years in Senior High School, he felt single. There are so many times that he is super close to women, that their closeness is more than a girlfriend. It’s these things that make me sick. We talked about it, and he apologized but my trust in him is broken. Now that we are in college, he mentioned that he has 5 female friends. I don’t know why it hurts me so much to hear this. I promised myself that I would trust him again because he is doing good things for me now. But I felt as if what he did to me would happen again. I’m not paying attention to him right now, I just want to calm down. Will this destroy our relationship?

    #406252
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Quala:

    I will do my best to answer your question when I understand the situation better:

    There are so many times that he is super close to women, that their closeness is more than a girlfriend“-

    (1) You wrote this sentence in the present tense (are, is)- is the above situation true when he was in high school and now, that he is in college?

    (2) Can you describe what “super close” looks like, sounds like (what did you observe)?

    (3) Would any closeness between your boyfriend and other women (like his friends in college) be okay with you, and if so, what kind of closeness would be okay with you?

    anita

    #406292
    Quala
    Participant

    (1) when he was in high school until now(he is in college)

    (2) They tease each other and it hurts that that girl knows more about my boyfriend than me

    (3) It is okay for me that my boyfriend has female friends but not that much closeness. I am limiting myself to be friendly to other males, why he is not limiting himself also?

    #406300
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Quala:

    “There are so many times that he is super close to women, that their closeness is more than a girlfriend… when he was in high school until now (he is in college). They tease each other… It is okay for me that my boyfriend has female friends but not that much closeness”-

    -these are my thoughts: (1) Generally, teenagers and people in their early 20s have a very strong need to socialize/ interact a lot with their peers, in high school and in college. When they leave college and get busy with work, with getting married and living as married people, people generally stop socializing with their high school/ college peers and socialize instead with co-workers (at work and after work) and with other married people: ex., getting together on weekends so that the kids can play together. Your boyfriend is in his early 20s, single (not married), still in college, so no wonder that he socializes with his peers, including with female peers. It is natural and it is not wrong, on his part.

    (2) If he socializes/ interact with female peers in sexual ways (ex. tells them they look sexy, that he wishes he was their boyfriend, touches them sensually, etc.), then it is wrong on his part because he is in a relationship with you.

    (3) If your mood is generally uptight, upset,  ill at ease- he may be drawn to socialize with peers who appear calm,  carefree and happy, including with female peers who appear this way.

    (4)  Many people prefer to socialize with one gender over the other, but not for sexual reasons: some men prefer to socialize with women because they perceive them to be soft and/ or motherly.

    (5) When a woman has a low self-esteem, when she doesn’t really like herself, she is inclined to be very sensitive to her boyfriend’s/ husband’s behavior around other women. If he says anything nice to a woman, if he looks at a woman for a few seconds too long (or so the girlfriend feels), the girlfriend feels hurt, alarmed, scared and upset, thinking that he is thinking that the other woman is prettier, more interesting, etc. And any time the boyfriend is a bit close to another woman (having a short, friendly conversation, for example), the jealous girlfriend thinks of his behavior as “super close” (your words).

    “It hurts that that girl knows more about my boyfriend than me“- I don’t understand what you mean in this sentence and I would like to understand. What do girls know about your boyfriend that you don’t know?

    “I am limiting myself to be friendly to other males, why he is not limiting himself also?“- I am guessing that the answer is that for you, it is not fun to be friendly and to socialize with male peers (because you are not carefree or not comfortable socializing with male peers), but for him, it is fun to be friendly and to socialize with female peers (because he is more carefree, in this context at least). What do you think?

    anita

    #406373
    Quala
    Participant

    thank you, I really appreciated your explanation. Do you think it’s okay to ask my boyfriend for permission to be friends with boys because he already has friends who are girls? Also, tell him I used to avoid making friends with boys because he might be uncomfortable or not okay with him. I also avoid having a boy best friend because he doesn’t have a girl best friend. But now, he has female friends, it’s not fair to me that I don’t have male friends either. I don’t want to be unfair. If he does things without thinking about how I will feel, that is unfair to me because I think about how he will feel in all my actions. So, is it okay to be friends with boys too, and stop limiting myself?

    #406382
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Quala:

    You are welcome. If you want to have male friends, no need to ask your boyfriend for permission because (if I understand correctly) there was no agreement between the two of you to not have friends of the other gender, and he has been friends with girls (without your permission).

    If you avoided having male friends because you thought that he will be uncomfortable with it- that was very considerate of him, but it would have been better if you asked him first if indeed he wouldn’t feel comfortable with you having male friends. Maybe you only thought that he will be uncomfortable.

    If you had a male friend and you found out that your boyfriend was indeed uncomfortable with it, then you could have a conversation with him and consider solutions that will be fair to the two of you.

    Did you ever tell him or express to him that you are uncomfortable with him having female friends, and if you did, how did he react?

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 22 total)

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