Dear W,

You are very welcome. You’ve said some very important things, which suggest that you have been hurt in relationships, and you are afraid not to be hurt again:

The loneliest times in my life are when I am in a relationship

My last relationship was about 17 years ago about 20 years ago a very important relationship that meant a lot to me ended.

In my life I don’t want to feel loss anymore

Since you feel most lonely while in a relationship, no wonder you’re hesitating to enter one.

Very often, our romantic relationships are the mirror of the relationship we had as children with our parents or care-takers. We might feel very similar emotions, e.g. that of feeling lonely, that we felt while growing up. If you felt lonely while growing up, it is very likely that you would feel similarly as an adult – because the wound of feeling lonely and not being given enough care and attention is still in you.

You would like your partner to be “just yours” (I don’t feel like she would just be mine). This is how we feel as children: we want our mother (or care-taker) to be just ours. If she isn’t present, or she is present but absent-minded, or giving attention to someone or something else – we feel angry and hurt.

The fact that your girlfriend has a social life outside of spending time with you, made you very upset. I am not saying you should be happy if she is someone who goes to bars frequently and gets drunk often (does she?). But it seems that a bigger problem here is your fear of having to “share” her with other people – that she is spending time and giving attention to people other than you. Which would be a reaction to a childhood wound.

Does this sound like a plausible explanation to you?