Hello Anita, I was excited to receive an email about your message!

In some ways, I’m doing better. I went through a lot of ups and downs throughout this breakup, but I’ve been more stable in the last few weeks. My birthday is on September 13th, which would also mark 3 months since the breakup.

After our two meetings I wrote about here, I decided to stop seeing him because it hurt me, and no good would’ve come out of it. After reaching this decision and realizing that he wasn’t available to talk, I decided to move out and I did. I left him a long letter (3 full pages), saying more or less what I wanted to say, and he left me a sort of poem and a flower. We stopped any and all contact almost two months ago.

I moved back to my dad’s house, and all of my things are still packed in boxes in the basement. I am still in therapy (twice a week), and a few days ago I started taking anxiety medication, the effects of which will only be clear in a few weeks. I have also started a naturopathic treatment for my stomach, to fix and balance my gut flora. I’m doing yoga and meditation almost every day. Since the breakup, somehow, my anxiety saw a HUGE improvement. I was able to go to social events and new places with little to no anxiety! It’s not completely gone, of course, and sometimes it comes to visit (I can sense it because it’s very familiar), but it doesn’t stay very long and it’s less intense. This last Friday I went to a wedding, which is an event that would usually really trigger my anxiety, because it’s a place I don’t know, an hour away from home, and with A LOT of people. It was a challenging day, but I conquered every challenge I faced, AND DANCED THE NIGHT AWAY at the wedding! I keep surprising myself, but at the same time, it feels like the real me is finally emerging. This version of me that was locked away deep down, suffocated, is beginning to regain her freedom. I’m curious to find out what more I can do.

With all of that amazing transformation, my old habits are still strong. Self-doubt, low self esteem, social awkwardness, procrastination… Right now, for example, I’m having a hard time completing my school assignments required for me to get my degree. Along with that, I want to move out and find a job, but I’m terrified to make those big steps… right now I’m focusing on completing my school work. I’m learning to give myself time and space without feeling guilty about it.

About my ex boyfriend… I still think about him, I imagine having a conversation and telling him all about how I feel now, he still appears in my dreams sometimes, and I miss him terribly, but I accept the breakup. I feel like what bothers me most is this question of are we or are we not right for each other. On the one hand, I am certain of the unique soul connection that we have – we are very significant to each other and we are connected beyond words. On the other hand, I feel like maybe we aren’t compatible, but I have a hard time admitting it. I still feel hurt and disappointed by him. At first I took all of the blame for the breakup, I felt so guilty, and like I was a horrible person. I’ve since learned to view this as an equal situation. I made mistakes, and he did too. I had triggers and issues, and he did too. I am now on a journey of growth and discovery (I wish he was here to see it), and it’s out of my hands whether he chooses to be on a similar journey or remain in his ways. I see now that while my experience of the relationship was us growing closer and more intimate,  I grew to trust him more than I ever did anyone (which is hard for me to do), he had a different experience. I think something changed for him along the way, and he wasn’t happy with the relationship. Whether that’s due to other things in his life that made him uneasy, unhappy, doubtful and impulsive, that’s his business to think about. At first I felt unlovable or like I’m too much, because I’m emotional and have anxiety, but now I see that it’s not true. Just because he couldn’t handle it or it was too much for him, says more about him than it does about me. I understand why I initiated the breakup – the most secure place has become unsafe. I didn’t feel emotionally safe, and at that point both of us were unable to show up for the relationship and recreate that safe space for each other. What I’m left with most of all is this huge sadness that the relationship ended. It really was beautiful and wonderful in many ways, but perhaps too delicate. We weren’t careful with it, and we fumbled it. If the breakup didn’t happen when it did, it would’ve happened a few weeks later.

I am working hard and learning a lot about how to better live my life, and hopefully, how to do relationships better. I have taken the lessons I learned here, as well. I want to be able to govern my emotions better, express them in a healthy way, but don’t let them control my actions. I’m learning more about my trauma and with my psychologist, I’m reframing my narrative. I am very fortunate to have a loving family and wonderful friends!

Thank you for checking in Anita, and for your posts in the past!