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Breaking Up With my Best Friend of 10 Years

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Viewing 10 posts - 16 through 25 (of 25 total)
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  • #403241
    Leah
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    It’s still hard for me to believe that this wasn’t as meaningful to him as it was to me. But looking back, I think the fight that we had about a couple months ago was his way of signaling to me that we are in big trouble and that if something doesn’t change, then he’s out. I think ever since then, he’s been slowly checking out… I think I instigated the breakup out of a fearful place, like you said, to protect myself form facing those deep-set traumas and habits I had, and I think he wanted the breakup maybe because of his commitment issues, which has begun to come in after we moved in together and made him question the relationship.

    I’m immensely sad that it didn’t work out. But I understand that hindsight is 20/20, and I didn’t know what I know now. Still, I have the regret of feeling like NOW I know what we should’ve done better, but it’s too late. I will do my best to focus on my own growth and take some space from him. I hope with time, and with finding out more things about myself and bettering myself, I will attract someone with whom I can share my life with – whether that’s him or someone new.

    I felt your virtual hug with every post! Thank you so much for helping me reflect on this. Your words and point of view were unique and helped me a lot to see things in different ways. I will be sure to come here whenever I need. You are a beautiful soul Anita, thank you for what you do in this forum!

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    #403247
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Leah:

    You are very welcome and thank you for being appreciative, gracious and kind… as well as so very intelligent and insightful. I am glad to read that you will come back here whenever you need!

    It’s still hard for me to believe that this wasn’t as meaningful to him as it was to me“- Maybe one reason it couldn’t be as meaningful for him is that you were his 4th relationship, and he was your 1st. Reads to me though that the relationship was very meaningful to him.

    I have the regret of feeling like NOW I know what we should’ve done better, but it’s too late“- let’s say you that you could roll back the clock and live with him with what you know now: there would still be ingredients to the relationship that would be out of your control, ingredients that would  likely bring the relationship to an end at one point or another (I say likely because most romantic relationships end, particularly at your age). His troubled experience growing up with his mother is one such ingredient. (No one gets to roll back the clock to anyone’s childhood and fix what happened there!).

    I will do my best to focus on my own growth and take some space from him. I hope with time, and with finding out more things about myself and bettering myself, I will attract someone with whom I can share my life with – whether that’s him or someone new” – he or that someone new will be very fortunate to share a life with a woman who does her best to focus on her own growth, to keep learning and bettering herself!

    anita

     

    #406651
    anita
    Participant

    Thinking about you, Leah. How are you these days?

    anita

    #406657
    Leah
    Participant

    Hello Anita, I was excited to receive an email about your message!

    In some ways, I’m doing better. I went through a lot of ups and downs throughout this breakup, but I’ve been more stable in the last few weeks. My birthday is on September 13th, which would also mark 3 months since the breakup.

    After our two meetings I wrote about here, I decided to stop seeing him because it hurt me, and no good would’ve come out of it. After reaching this decision and realizing that he wasn’t available to talk, I decided to move out and I did. I left him a long letter (3 full pages), saying more or less what I wanted to say, and he left me a sort of poem and a flower. We stopped any and all contact almost two months ago.

    I moved back to my dad’s house, and all of my things are still packed in boxes in the basement. I am still in therapy (twice a week), and a few days ago I started taking anxiety medication, the effects of which will only be clear in a few weeks. I have also started a naturopathic treatment for my stomach, to fix and balance my gut flora. I’m doing yoga and meditation almost every day. Since the breakup, somehow, my anxiety saw a HUGE improvement. I was able to go to social events and new places with little to no anxiety! It’s not completely gone, of course, and sometimes it comes to visit (I can sense it because it’s very familiar), but it doesn’t stay very long and it’s less intense. This last Friday I went to a wedding, which is an event that would usually really trigger my anxiety, because it’s a place I don’t know, an hour away from home, and with A LOT of people. It was a challenging day, but I conquered every challenge I faced, AND DANCED THE NIGHT AWAY at the wedding! I keep surprising myself, but at the same time, it feels like the real me is finally emerging. This version of me that was locked away deep down, suffocated, is beginning to regain her freedom. I’m curious to find out what more I can do.

    With all of that amazing transformation, my old habits are still strong. Self-doubt, low self esteem, social awkwardness, procrastination… Right now, for example, I’m having a hard time completing my school assignments required for me to get my degree. Along with that, I want to move out and find a job, but I’m terrified to make those big steps… right now I’m focusing on completing my school work. I’m learning to give myself time and space without feeling guilty about it.

    About my ex boyfriend… I still think about him, I imagine having a conversation and telling him all about how I feel now, he still appears in my dreams sometimes, and I miss him terribly, but I accept the breakup. I feel like what bothers me most is this question of are we or are we not right for each other. On the one hand, I am certain of the unique soul connection that we have – we are very significant to each other and we are connected beyond words. On the other hand, I feel like maybe we aren’t compatible, but I have a hard time admitting it. I still feel hurt and disappointed by him. At first I took all of the blame for the breakup, I felt so guilty, and like I was a horrible person. I’ve since learned to view this as an equal situation. I made mistakes, and he did too. I had triggers and issues, and he did too. I am now on a journey of growth and discovery (I wish he was here to see it), and it’s out of my hands whether he chooses to be on a similar journey or remain in his ways. I see now that while my experience of the relationship was us growing closer and more intimate,  I grew to trust him more than I ever did anyone (which is hard for me to do), he had a different experience. I think something changed for him along the way, and he wasn’t happy with the relationship. Whether that’s due to other things in his life that made him uneasy, unhappy, doubtful and impulsive, that’s his business to think about. At first I felt unlovable or like I’m too much, because I’m emotional and have anxiety, but now I see that it’s not true. Just because he couldn’t handle it or it was too much for him, says more about him than it does about me. I understand why I initiated the breakup – the most secure place has become unsafe. I didn’t feel emotionally safe, and at that point both of us were unable to show up for the relationship and recreate that safe space for each other. What I’m left with most of all is this huge sadness that the relationship ended. It really was beautiful and wonderful in many ways, but perhaps too delicate. We weren’t careful with it, and we fumbled it. If the breakup didn’t happen when it did, it would’ve happened a few weeks later.

    I am working hard and learning a lot about how to better live my life, and hopefully, how to do relationships better. I have taken the lessons I learned here, as well. I want to be able to govern my emotions better, express them in a healthy way, but don’t let them control my actions. I’m learning more about my trauma and with my psychologist, I’m reframing my narrative. I am very fortunate to have a loving family and wonderful friends!

    Thank you for checking in Anita, and for your posts in the past!

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    #406659
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Leah:

    Good to read back from you and you are welcome! You shared today that almost 2 months ago (July 2022), you left your ex-boyfriend a 3-page letter, he left you a poem and a flower, and you had no contact since.  You are living in your father’s home (your stuff still packed in the basement), going to therapy twice a week, receiving a naturopathic treatment for your gut flora, doing yoga and meditation almost every day, and you just started anti-anxiety medication. You are doing better and feeling more stable in the last few weeks.

    Since the breakup, somehow, my anxiety saw a HUGE improvement. I was able to go to social events and new places with little to no anxiety!“-

    – very different from how you opened your original post on June 24: “Very desperate for some clarity and peace“, and not surprising because the relationship with him produced a lot of anxiety for you:  Relationship=> Anxiety; No Relationship=> No Anxiety, or more accurately, as you put it, “it (the anxiety) doesn’t stay very long and it’s less intense“.

    Congratulations for conquering the challenge of attending a wedding in a place you don’t know, with a lot of people and for dancing the night away!!!

    It feels like the real me is finally emerging. This version of me that was locked away deep down, suffocated, is beginning to regain her freedom. I’m curious to find out what more I can do“- reads wonderful!

    With all of that amazing transformation, my old habits are still strong. Self-doubt, low self-esteem, social awkwardness, procrastination“- humans by nature are creatures of habit, and the nature of habits is to persist. It takes time and practice, with the right attitude (motivation, realistic expectations, patience and moderation) to instill new habits that will replace the old. The real you who is emerging will make it happen!

    I’m terrified to make those big steps… right now I’m focusing on completing my school work. I’m learning to give myself time and space without feeling guilty about it“- excellent! Focus on the small steps in front of you today, not on the big steps in the future.

    At first I took all of the blame for the breakup, I felt so guilty, and like I was a horrible person. I’ve since learned to view this as an equal situation. I made mistakes, and he did too” – absolutely: the two of you brought about the ending of the relationship. The two of you made it happen.

    I am now on a journey of growth and discovery…  I am working hard and learning a lot about how to better live my life, and hopefully, how to do relationships better. I have taken the lessons I learned here, as well. I want to be able to govern my emotions better, express them in a healthy way, but don’t let them control my actions…“- I am impressed and inspired by how you are taking charge of your healing using a multidisciplinary strategy: psychotherapy, naturopathic therapy, pharmacotherapy, yoga therapy and meditation therapy!

    I would love to read from you anytime, read about your journey and the emerging real you!

    anita

    #406679
    Leah
    Participant

    Thank you so much Anita! I feel your love and support through your words!

    This forum was definitely one of the healing factors in my journey and I thank you so much for this. I will be sure to come back in the future! 🙂

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    #406684
    anita
    Participant

    You are very welcome, Leah, and thank you for your kind words and for being as gracious as you are. Post again anytime (smiley face back to you.. I don’t know how to technically send an emoji; can you believe it)

    anita

    #406914
    anita
    Participant

    H a P p Y     B i R t H d A y      Leah!!!

    anita

    #406956
    Leah
    Participant

    Thank you Anita! 😀

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    #406958
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Leah!

    anita

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