Anxiety has served a purpose in an attempt to protect me from danger yet, it is an addiction like any other. I wonder which schema is linked to it? My therapist would tell me that a schema’s function is to keep on existing.

As I learn to relax my nervous system, I’m learning that my health issues are a result of the anxiety condition. It prevents me from getting adequate sleep and disrupts my partner’s sleep too. It discourages me from trying new things and being open to new experiences. The emotional pressure on a daily basis as a result of anxiety, is a form of suffering. This habit once had me believe that it was preparing me for reality. But the emotional response is disproportionate and complicated new challenges arise regularly. More often than not, my fears don’t materialise. If I wait for each challenge to be over for my anxiety to reduce, I would be waiting forever.

Meditation has taught me to clear my mind, but it’s time to put this into practise through the day. These methods put a stop to regular anxiety attacks, now I need to use it to manage my daily anxiety levels. Even as I say goodbye to this habit, it seeks to preserve Itself. It would have me mourn for it. I consider this unnecessary and that it would only do harm. I will have to decide each time anxiety is triggered, how I would like to behave. I will have to consider the emotional impacts my choices and decide which would be most beneficial. I will need to reflect on the realistic impact that stressors have.

I have been practising a loving kindness meditation, this is one tool that has been helping develop my self-compassion. Like many others, I am filled with love. Yet it can be difficult to turn this love towards myself.

I differentiate between shame and social anxiety, though the two are linked. To me, shame is internal and isn’t an immediate result of interaction with others. What has helped address shame is to accept why I feel unlovable and to understand that I am worthy of love.

For example, I felt unlovable because my parents didn’t love me. This occurred not because of fault with me, but due to winning an unfortunate genetic lottery. Experiencing unconditional love has helped me with this, as being accepted by one person is enough for me.

Regarding social anxiety (Anxiety based around interactions with others), I found this to be a result of not liking myself. Whilst learning from behaviours can provide short term relief, this behaviour tends to reoccur unless the underlying issues are faced.

For a long time there was a narrative in my mind claiming that I didn’t know how to love myself because I didn’t feel it. One day I realised that my actions show otherwise. By overcoming the self abuse and being kinder to myself I was practicing self-compassion. By developing my skills and overcoming my fears I was developing confidence. By having conversations with people about boundaries and not allowing myself to be bullied, I was protecting myself.