Dear who/ Reader:

My purpose has been to see more and more of what is real and to remove from my view what is not real ( false beliefs and misinterpretations). Seeing clearly what’s in front of me, I can choose actions and reactions that fit the real situation, rather than fitting a wrongly perceived situation.

I want my actions and reactions to be based primarily on courage, not on fear alone. I’d say, my purpose is courage in the face of reality.

I used to be too afraid of people, so I submitted to others, eager to please or to just stay out of the way and let my perceived superiors take charge and do as they choose. I used to believe that others knew better, that I knew the least. I used to believe that if I communicate to people that I accept my inferiority, they will like me better, saying to themselves something like: well, at least she knows that she is inferior to me. She won’t give me any trouble then, good girl!

My purpose is to never again be that kind of good girl. My purpose is to take charge of situations that require it, to no longer stay out of the way, and to no longer submit to perceived superiors.

There are lots and lots and lots of situations I have no power over. The key is to relax into these situations, to let go of the hopeless struggles to change what I cannot change. I want to remove from my brain-body any and all useless stress and distress. Why worry, feel badly and suffer when such does not benefit anyone?

Oh, it just occurred to me, that my suffering can benefit those who want me to suffer… yes, I remember my mother watching me suffer emotionally with a smile on her face: she’d say something shaming to me on purpose, so to make me suffer shame… and then she’d watch my face, eager to see her success.  But I don’t want to please people like that, people who feel good about me feeling bad.

We humans are all mentally ill and mentally healthy, different extents at different times. We all suffer the consequences of mental illness that carries on from one generation to the next and to the next. We are all direct victims of people who abuse us, and co-victims of the people who abused our abusers. It takes a lot of healing to recognize more subtle ways in which we may abuse others, subtle ways that may not earn the title abuse perhaps, but nonetheless, these are ways that are harmful and unnecessary. For example, being unnecessarily critical of others, focusing on their negatives and not on their positives.

People are naturally averse to and repelled by being criticized and judged. Simply put, to be criticized and judged feels badly, no matter if the criticism is true or false. And so, if I want to help a person, I need to not repel him or her by offering criticism and judgment. I need not interrogate and  confront the person in search of material to use as criticism. A person will be open to my help only if the person asking for help feels that I like him/ her. So first, a liking needs to be established.

I am averse to being criticized. I hate it. It makes me anxious. The only way I can be open to criticism is if I feel that the criticizer likes me, is gentle and honest and has my well-being in mind, and that he/ she is honest not only about my shortcomings but about their own.

To be powerless when abused, to not fight the abuser- that’s a terrible feeling, a terrible situation to be in. But to fight when not abused, to never relax-  is also a terrible situation. I’d say then that my purpose is to fight abusers when there is a chance that I succeed, and relax when I am not abused.

Mental and emotional progress is not linear. We have to bounce back from failures and disappointments and continue to learn, to progress, building each day’s learning and progress on top of yesterday’s.

Viktor Frankl wrote: “It is not freedom from conditions; it is freedom to take a stand toward the conditions”,  “The meaning of life is in every moment of living”.

My freedom and meaning (purpose) now is to be ethical, to say and do what’s right, to do better than yesterday, to have that peace of mind knowing that I am a good, honest person.

anita