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Reply To: Husband’s interactions with online female friend

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September 29, 2022 at 7:54 am #407643
Sadlyconfused
Participant
Hi again Anita, I thought I’d do a separate post in response so I could reply to your latest post a bit more in depth. 🙂

“– I am thinking: before your conversation with your husband a few nights ago, you did not know about the existence of this woman-gamer. Therefore, either (1) when you posted your original post, you did not yet see her photo. You saw it and read her conversations with other gamers for the first time the day after, seeing/ reading for yourself that she looks and behaves the opposite of you, bubbly, etc.,  or (2) you never saw her photo or read her conversations with other gamers, but your husband described to you how she looks and  behaves. Which one of these two possibilities (perhaps there is a third possibility) is true may be significant.”

He mentioned her nickname when he was telling me about the comment, so from there I looked her up on social media and was able to see for myself who she is and how she portrays herself. My husband didn’t go into any depth about who she is or what kind of relationship they had, he just alluded to her being part of the general gang that he was socialising with. 
 
“I want to re-read all that you shared, slowly and carefully, rearrange what you shared in chronological order. If you are reading, I hope that it’s okay that I repeat your words, particularly on topics that still hurt:”
It’s really good to have another person’s perspective on it all, so thank you.
“You got married about 15 years ago. For all the years of your marriage, your husband did not flirt with other women or made flirty comments (“In the whole 15 years or so that we’ve been together he’s never acted like that“). For some time, like you, he experienced poor mental health.”
We got together 15 years ago and got married 10 years ago. He’s never been openly flirtatious in front of me and hasn’t had close female friends during the time we’ve been together. He’s quite extroverted but also reserved and respectful when interacting with others, though also playful and humorous with good friends. I guess this was the latter part of his personality coming out on the gaming community. I feel quite bad currently about getting so upset about it, as I think the game itself was a fun outlet for him. 
“My comments based on your 2 posts alone: (1) I am sorry that you and your mother suffered from a misogynist father and husband. I can’t imagine a worse situation for a woman (your mother) and a girl (you) than living with a man who hates women (and girls)!”
Thank you for this, it wasn’t the best start I could have had. I became a massive people pleaser to get through it, which has been really difficult to emerge from as it’s pretty much been my identity my whole life. Without it, who actually am I? What do I stand for? It’s hard. I think this has caused quite a few interpersonal issues for me over the last three or so years as people quite naturally assumed that my easy-going, people pleasing habit was my core personality, rather than the trauma response that it really was.
“(2) Congratulations for successfully (if I understand correctly) weaning yourself off anti-depressants. I know how very difficult it is to accomplish this. When I tried to wean myself off anti-depressants (and from a benzodiazepine), I almost didn’t make it because of the intense heightened anxiety involved,”
I’m so glad you got through it and came out the other side. I know antidepressants help a lot of people but I think I was far too complacent on them and didn’t do the work needed to address my trauma. I need to learn to process my feelings rather than numbing them and I think I have so much unresolved grieving to do, particularly around the death of my mother. I can’t openly talk about her without crying and it happened nearly 20 years ago. The heightened anxiety has been so hard but I think a lot of it is trauma related and a result of my early development. I was on anti-depressants pretty much continuously for about 12 years and I’m now playing catch-up in my mid thirties. :/ Although it’s frustrating, I think by learning about trauma and getting better at self care I’ve started to make far more progress in the last couple of years than I ever did in the previous 12. I didn’t tell my husband that I was weaning off anti-depressants which I feel was a massive communication error on my part, as my poor behaviour had no explanation. I have such a bad habit of just trying to deal with things alone, as though it’s something shameful.
Sorry if I’ve run on a bit here, not sure if I’m potentially oversharing.
“(3) Congratulations for improving the communication between you and your husband in the last few months. May you, your husband and the marriage continue to heal and improve!”
Thank you, hopefully it will get back on track again. I’m aiming to continue effective self-care for myself first and foremost, plus to strengthen my communication skills, so that hopefully we never reach such a low point again. I’ll do the work on my part, then what will be will be.
“
(4) I hope that you are no longer walking on eggshells (a habit that is hard to break). I used to move from the two extremes: being passive (walking on eggshells, saying nothing… being very quiet) and being confrontational and aggressive (saying too much and in the wrong way). Moderation is key to mental health, the moving away from extremes.”
Yep, it’s a very difficult habit to break! This is exactly how I’ve been, I’ve let little things fester into resentment and they’ve then turned into bigger issues in my head. I have a tendency to get overwhelmed and close off when I’m upset too, largely because I’ve just been so illiterate when it comes to naming emotions and have a hard time working out what’s even bothering me in the first place. Recognising that it’s probably usually an old trauma that I’m rehashing (my inner child) helps to distance myself from the emotion a bit. It’s hard to balance that with things that are genuinely a present day problem though and which might require an assertive response. Having perspective from others really helps.
“I enjoyed our short communication and would love to keep it going, if you feel similarly, of course.”
Thanks again Anita, yes I’d love to!