Dear Dan,

I am glad that my first post aligns with how you view the situation and that you feel it’s close to the truth. Let me just quickly repeat the gist of what I said about your needs:

I am thinking that maybe you need a companion who doesn’t have so many responsibilities with children and other people in her life, but can spend a lot of pleasurable time with you, going to trips, concerts, mini vacations etc. You need someone who is free (and care-free enough) to spend a lot of pleasurable time with you, and not burdened by all those responsibilities.

So you need a lot of alone time with your wife, spent in pleasurable and fun activities, where you can enjoy each other’s presence. Is that right?

That in itself is a legitimate need, i.e. a legitimate thing to look for in a partner. There are many people who don’t have children, or who have grown children, and who want to enjoy life as much as possible. This may include traveling, going to concerts, engaging in hobbies, and simply having a lot of free time just to themselves. It would be perfect if you could have such a companion, with similar needs and preferences, and a similar level of freedom.

But let me be completely honest: I think that even if you found such a partner, I am afraid you wouldn’t be truly happy, because it seems that your happiness depends on your partner (Much of my happiness came from her), which you yourself said is not healthy.

So I agree that you would need a better relationship with yourself first (What I need is a better relationship with myself), and only then consider another relationship, or perhaps even renewal of the relationship with your wife.

To be honest though. I’m still holding onto hope that maybe in a few years my wife and I could possibly get back together. With how things went down I do keep that hope alive.

I understand that. You see her as a perfect woman for you, you said you love her unconditionally. But unfortunately there can be quite a few years before your wife is free to love you freely. Because she seems to have a tremendous sense of guilt if she spends time away from her children. And the children, specially her son, seem to have something against you. In the worse-case scenario, it could be as much as 8 years (till her son is 18) until your wife feels free (guilt-free) to be with you again. Are you willing to wait (and suffer) that long?

I mean, you might even choose to wait, but as you yourself said, use that time wisely and work on yourself: I think it’s a good time to work on myself, improve myself and who knows what the future holds?

Exactly! The future is unpredictable, but one thing is certain: if you want a better future, you would need to heal those emotional scars that prevent you from being happy. You would need to learn to be happy even without a “perfect” partner to meet your needs.

And now we come to the core of the problem: the emotional scars, and the abuse you have suffered as a child. I am really sorry about that, Dan. That is tough.

It’s good you are starting to read/watch videos about attachment trauma. The attachment trauma happens in the relationship with our parents or primary care-givers. My question (if you would like to answer) is how did your parents respond to your sexual abuse? Did they know about it? What was their reaction? Because their response (or lack thereof) was probably crucial, and it either helped you, or sadly, it further contributed to you feeling traumatized.

I’ll be glad to keep this conversation going, if you feel it benefits you.