Hi Anita, thanks again for your insight.

“He probably did have a crush on this woman… but at the same time I acknowledge that I wasn’t emotionally available“- men, including married men, get crushes even when their wives are emotionally available. The crushes often have to do with the man’s emotional experience as a boy, way before he met the woman he married.

That does make a lot of sense. I think there would be a lot there for him to unpack if he ever chose to. For me, it’s probably enough now to acknowledge that when something like this happens it isn’t automatically my fault or a reflection of my worth.

“.. which I feel was a massive communication error on my part, as my poor behaviour had no explanation. I have such a bad habit of just trying to deal with things alone“- how indeed you judge yourself harshly (see your words in the quote with which I opened this post): a massive error,poor behaviour, bad habit…?

Here is an empathetic reframing of this sentence: looking back, I can see that I made an error not telling my husband because if I told him, he would have become aware of the withdrawal symptoms that I suffered. I have this habit of dealing with things alone because I was so alone for too long,  as a child and onward.

Oof, yeah, I do judge myself harshly don’t I? It’s so automatic and I don’t realise I’m doing it! Thank you for reframing the sentence for me, I wouldn’t have otherwise recognised that I was being overly judgemental of myself. It helps give me an idea of the healthier kind of self-talk I could be aiming for. Looking back too, it wasn’t like I was always behaving poorly, so I think this was an example of me thinking in black and white terms.

“(Walking on eggshells is) a very difficult habit to break! .. I’ve let little things fester into resentment and they’ve then turned into bigger issues in my head“- how about forming a new daily habit: every day, locate a tiny resentment and appropriately voice it?

“It’s hard to balance (old trauma) with things that are genuinely a present day problem though and which might require an assertive response“- when confused about a current problem or situation, you are welcome to share about it here and get my take on whether it requires an assertive response.

Voicing small resentments daily is a good idea, perhaps I’ll aim to do this via journalling. Then if anything does continue to bother me I’ll have been approaching it rationally and from a balanced perspective rather than reacting emotionally. Plus sharing here about things I’m unsure about would be really helpful in the future. It’s very easy to get wrapped up in your own storylines and end up not being able to see the wood for the trees.

Dear Sadlyconfused:

In no way do I think that you are a bad woman wearing a mask of a good woman, or pretending to be a good woman.  Being an extreme people pleaser does not mean deceit. It means being afraid to displease.. being afraid, that’s all. I hope that you are feeling and doing better, and I hope to read from you again sometime.

anita