Dear Nala,

how are you today? I hope I haven’t overwhelmed you with my analysis…

I’d just like to say that even though I compared your relationship with your boyfriend with your happy and blissful childhood, I in fact think that your relationship with your boyfriend is much healthier because you have been through a lot together (including problems and challenges, I assume), and you both grew in the process, and your relationship got stronger as a result:

We have grown together so much in this time. We are not perfect, but we are strong, and we have a very healthy relationship. We have always felt like we could get through anything together, because we have been through a lot together. We are kind, loving, supportive, and we cherish our relationship.

In contrast, when you mother got sick with depression, she didn’t do anything to help herself and start healing her unresolved trauma. This approach – refusing to take responsibility, hiding her problems and possibly blame-shifting – affected both you, your brother and your father:

My mom went through a bad depression for years (starting when I was about 10) and never did anything about it. She has so much unresolved trauma. My dad dealing with this over the years, has created his own traumas. My brother and I were always effected by this but I think watching how my mom dealt with all of her own issues and feelings, we never talked about anything that bothered us.

Instead of honestly sharing about your problems, you stuffed them and pretended that everything is fine (because your mother requested it from you). This is a diametrically opposite approach of what you are taking now with your boyfriend: honest and open sharing, working through problems together, all the way respecting and supporting each other. That’s why your relationship with your boyfriend is a healthy and resilient one, while your relationship with your parents is not very healthy. You yourself described it as “a little bit of an unhealthy love, a depending love“.

So you have a model of a healthy relationship, and you have a model of an unhealthy one. The unhealthy one is sometimes calling you, because your inner child wants to please your parents…. but the real love, the healthy love, is with your boyfriend.

I need to know that this somewhat normal or common, that I am not just going crazy or falling out of love for absolutely no reason and causing myself so so so much pain, because I do love him so so so incredibly much.

I have no doubt that you love your boyfriend a lot, and I trust that you can get over this challenge too – because as you said, you can get through anything together!