Interestingly, I did examine this last night! I figured out exactly when I went from confident and hopeful to dark and withdrawn. It is when I started moving into adolescence and realized I wasn’t excelling in every way as I had hoped. Specifically I noticed I wasn’t as good looking as other girls (at least that was my perception). I was rejected by the boy I liked so very much (and rightfully so, I might add). But he had no romantic interest in me. And we would talk and he would talk about the girls he did like, and they were the thin, very good-looking type.  That rejection went to my core, and in truth I don’t think I’ve ever recovered. I took rejection so deeply, perhaps, because I grew up without a father. At that time I also started noticing that we had much less money than everyone around us, and I was from a broken family on top of that. So I felt like a loser, and I’ve never stopped feeling that way. Of course I can reason why I shouldn’t feel that way. But it is so deeply ingrained, it’s hard to escape it. Interestingly, someone asked me what I enjoy doing (trying to get me out of my dark depression). I realized I really enjoy very little. My entire life has been focused on trying to achieve things that will make others see me as respectable or acceptable. I try to make my house beautiful. I live in a nice area. I paint paintings, but I think I do it to be able to say – Look! I’m a successful artist! rather than because I enjoy it. I do enjoy exploring ideas (researching/thinking/writing), I guess, but still there is that voice within that says if I write well, I will finally be accepted.

Basically, I have lived and continue to live a shame-based life. Everything I do is an effort to get rid of the shame. Interesting, I read last night and realized the core of shame is lack of self-love. We really don’t care what anyone else thinks of us. We just want to think well of ourselves, and we think if we can get others to approve of us that will happen. But really, what others think doesn’t matter at all. All that matters is what I think of myself. And it is true. I know that if I focus on loving and accepting myself, the pain and anger dissipates. But it’s tough. And when people treat me unkindly or unfairly, it definitely fans the fire.

The age thing is a little different. Yea, I’m not that old. AND – it helps for me to remember that everyone ages! Even people who have been super successful. I watched a video of Paul Simon singing last night. Here he is, one of the most successful musicians of all time, and he is humbly trying to make it through one of his songs with a voice that can no longer hit all the notes or make the lovely sounds it was once able to. It reminded me that all of us must be humble and gentle on ourselves, that that is part of being human.

Thanks for listening and sharing. It gives me a little hope.