Dear Mia:

You are welcome. “I feel like I need tools“- I recommend that you use the NPAR tool, or skill. It stands for Notice (when you feel anxious and/ or angry in regard to your boyfriend), Pause (do nothing: do not call him or text him and relax best you can); Address the situation (what happened? Should I respond, or not? If I should respond, what should my response be?); next Respond- or not, and finally, Redirect your attention elsewhere.

In the Address part of the NPAR, a cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) exercise can help: you start with writing down how you feel (anxious, angry, etc.), then you write down a few thoughts that are involved with that feeling (ex., he didn’t text me all day, he doesn’t care about me!); next, you evaluate your thoughts for truth vs. possible distortions (ex., maybe he didn’t text me because he is busy, maybe he is afraid of an argument, maybe I am jumping to conclusions/ assumptions here, maybe I should text him and ask him how he is doing.. in a non-accusatory way). After you correct your thoughts/ check your assumptions so that your thoughts match reality, you will feel better.  If you want me to help you with this type of exercise in regard to a real-life situation with your boyfriend, let me know.

anita