Home→Forums→Relationships→Keep hurting my boyfriend – anger & anxiety
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Anonymous.
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October 11, 2022 at 12:30 pm #408325
MiaParticipantHi,
I keep hurting my boyfriend. For context we have been together for a year and a half. We have a wonderful relationship, I’ve never felt so loved or accepted by someone, we have a lot of adventures together and were planning for me to move in with him at the end of the year. But on and off we have arguments/I hurt him. The majority of times this happens by text. Examples:
1. He doesn’t reply to a text message within a few hours and I pester/criticise him. I text that I am upset that he hasn’t replied, I send a passive aggressive “?” or tell him he is blunt/distant. I’ve reflected on this a lot and recognise it’s unreasonable behaviour. It comes from feeling really isolated (I don’t have friends) and relying too much on his presence. I feel anxious and angry if he doesn’t reply.
2. I often suggest things we could do together and his reply is often negative/list of problems. He has acknowledged that he needs to work on this/has a negative default. But when this recently happened I reactively texted him “you’re consistently really negative about anything I ever suggest. It’s always about your friends or precious time or routine.”. I felt really angry and upset that he dismissed/just saw problems with my suggestion. But I was also SO reactive in my response. This was a particularly hurtful thing to say to him.
3. In the past I told him I was anxious he would cheat on me, searched his drawers and I’ve been fixated on his exs which he was quite hurt by – but I have moved on from this a bit. I still feel anxious but I don’t tell him or ask him anything hurtful. His actions have never suggested anything other than commitment.
4. I am managing periods of depression/anxiety at the moment. Sometimes I have called him and been very tearful or texted him that “I couldn’t cope”. If he doesn’t respond to me I get more upset and anxious that something is wrong with the relationship, I’ll send a string of worrying messages. He has told me this is too much for him to manage. I’m trying to self soothe and not call/text him when in that state but it’s difficult.
In person we usually are able to talk this through even if there’s a lot of tears and work (we’ve never raised voices at each other or sworn or insulted each other). After another argument this weekend I’m worried that he is seriously considering ending the relationship. I think he will if I make another mistake. I want to address how reactive I am to send an impulsive message fuelled by anxiety or anger.
October 11, 2022 at 6:45 pm #408332
AnonymousGuestDear Mia:
Almost 6 years ago, on Dec 20, 2016, you wrote to me: “Anita yes I feel very childlike lately. Like a lost scared child inside“- and you still do, “managing periods of depression/ anxiety at the moment“. A lost and scared child is also an angry child, crying out loud: WHY AM I ALONE? WHY ISN’T THERE ANYONE WITH ME, HELPING ME???!!!
It’s this angry child-inside that is hurting your boyfriend because she is still scared and alone… she needs help. On Nov 28 2017, you responded to my suggestion that you seek quality psychotherapy this way: “I went to counselling for about a year and a half. I found it helpful but stopped going because I felt like I was just going over the same problems and past hurt again and again… It is great having a counsellor but they aren’t a person in the real world like a friend – they function in a separate space. I stopped going in April because wanted to build relationships in the ‘real world’ but have got nowhere“-
-well, you found a relationship in the real world a year and a half ago, the most loving you ever had… but you are still anxious, angry, still so very sad, and you are afraid to lose this special relationship because of your expressed anxiety and anger. Is it time now to seek quality psychotherapy, so to save your relationship and to help the lost, anxious, sad and angry child inside, as much as it is possible to help her?
anita
October 12, 2022 at 12:19 am #408340MiaParticipantThank you Anita that’s very perceptive (and amazing to reply six years later). This really resonates: a lost and scared child is also an angry child, crying out loud: WHY AM I ALONE? WHY ISN’T THERE ANYONE WITH ME, HELPING ME???!!!
I’ve been seeing a counsellor for about six months. I am wondering if a different style would suit better, I feel like I need tools and strategies. It is a very open ended style of therapy but I do feel affirmed and understand things a bit better in sessions.
October 12, 2022 at 8:21 am #408356AnonymousGuestDear Mia:
You are welcome. “I feel like I need tools“- I recommend that you use the NPAR tool, or skill. It stands for Notice (when you feel anxious and/ or angry in regard to your boyfriend), Pause (do nothing: do not call him or text him and relax best you can); Address the situation (what happened? Should I respond, or not? If I should respond, what should my response be?); next Respond- or not, and finally, Redirect your attention elsewhere.
In the Address part of the NPAR, a cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) exercise can help: you start with writing down how you feel (anxious, angry, etc.), then you write down a few thoughts that are involved with that feeling (ex., he didn’t text me all day, he doesn’t care about me!); next, you evaluate your thoughts for truth vs. possible distortions (ex., maybe he didn’t text me because he is busy, maybe he is afraid of an argument, maybe I am jumping to conclusions/ assumptions here, maybe I should text him and ask him how he is doing.. in a non-accusatory way). After you correct your thoughts/ check your assumptions so that your thoughts match reality, you will feel better. If you want me to help you with this type of exercise in regard to a real-life situation with your boyfriend, let me know.
anita
October 15, 2022 at 10:22 am #408488AnonymousGuestHow are you, Mia?
anita
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