I am fortunatly not in physically pain any more,but I am working 11 days in a row to help pay for this treatment so not a lot of rest. Sleep has always been a problem because of my PTSD, the only time i have had a time with a 6-7 hour nights sleep was when a lived with the guy i was with earlier this year.

I have a lot of patterns to u learn. I’ve found out that I’m quite the hypocrite. Most of the hurtful things the cute guy did, I have done myself. So i am not really in a potition to be mad at him.

I think compassion is the key here, we both have a lot of self sabotaging behaviour to try and keep us safe, but really it only does the opposite. I nearly cancelled my housewarming because they were late. My anxiety took over and said they don’t care and they don’t really want to be here. You might as well cancel. Also trying to be very i dependent, like i don’t need anybody i have myself. Self sabotaging behaviour has been a very big blindspot. Couldn’t begin to see it until i got diagnosed.

The feeling of being left out still hurts. I went home early from the staff party yesterdaylike i always do. Being in a party setting and everybody being drunk and a ting out is not my thing. It also makes me feel jeloux. Seeing my two friends cling to the guy i like for obvious reasons. But also seeing everybody having fun while drinking. It send me back to High school. Always feeling like the odd man out, and that I’m suposed to enjoy it. I just doesn’t.