Anita,

it’s about letting the person we fear at the moment know that we accept their superiority so that they calm down and lose the motivation to show us via actual aggression (hurting us in some way) that they are indeed superior to us.

– Now I will be more mindful and try to notice those situations in every day life.

What you used to refer to as friendship with this work colleague was really a dominance hierarchy relationship, wasn’t it?

-I think it was indeed. Observing his behavior at the pizzeria I clearly saw this need for dominance and superiority even over his manager. I know he needs people who act like I used to act and he will find some other.

Fake it till you make it is a principle and a practice taught in psychotherapy. Pretending in the context of emotional healing and learning of new, healthy behaviors, is a good thing (not a bad thing).  My excellent therapist at the time taught me this. So, please do pretend, do fake it… until you make it (which means, until the new behaviors feel natural

I will do that! Feels strange and “fake” but also powerful. I am pretending the person I would like to be, although It is not a different person, it is me – fixed. Right? We have this colleague, she is his friend of many years, She does not have much work yet (unlike me)  and she often suggests she would help me with my projects, research and send me some things, writes “hello” in the morning etc. I think she respects me (does not know me yet), maybe because I take long to respond and I respond very briefly. I do not act inferior with her, I noticed. Sometimes I feel … guilty? That I am “superior” and she is waiting for me to respond although I do not think it’s bad, I am busy, I do not do it on purpose.

I actually tried to unfreeze once but did not know what to do once I did. It was last week. I was planning to – in the moment of distress, anxiety, to be able to, to force myself to pause for a minute, press pause and see myself, my emotions. I have those stressful meetings at work. For many years I was afraid of typical office work, among people, but life and covid forced me to. I have been working here since June 2021, in this particular department since December 2021 but I did not have that many meetings yet. First one I had in March – I did not sleep the night before, when I was waiting on zoom call for the other person (they often have higher position – we do projects for them) I looked in my camera – I felt sorry for myself, I looked really miserable. Last week I had my fifth meeting of this kind. I also did not sleep, I really did not want to go through with it. I was not only anxious, I was hopeless. When I started presenting the documents I felt stressed so it was not possible to pause, but after more less an hour, I guess, when we already established the agenda and I was done talking (although it was not much on my part, they sometimes ask what I can find, what I can add here etc) and we were still there on this meeting I suddenly looked somewhere in the middle of my presentation and thought: “I am here, in this meeting, I am here, I am stressing about it. They are here too” I tried to fake the feeling in my body as if the meeting was over, tried to feel the feeling of relief, I tried to fake it and fool myself into thinking the meeting was over and I do not have to stress over it anymore – although I was still there. Not sure if this makes sense but I think what I was trying to do is unfreeze myself, connect with my emotions, with feelings of anxiety that I had. Anyway I did not have many ideas what else to do and what to say to myself in that moment.

Anita, You were asking questions about this moment: how do I feel? My heart was racing very fast, my stomach hurt, I could not eat since morning and still was not hungry, my voice was shaking I think and I have trouble breathing – sometimes the last one passes with time but it happens every time at the beginning – I sound like I just ran a marathon because I gasp for air when I start talking. What was the actual situation that brought about these feelings and sensations? – Just the fact we are in a meeting and I have to show I prepared something, they seem demanding, they are in a rush often, What were my thoughts following the situation? – I was obsessed thinking I was incompetent, that they would think I am not smart and the fact that they are mostly men over 50s-60s, they are important for the company and they earn a lot, they seem and look like important people  – I think it bothers me how small I am compared to them.

when you notice a freeze reaction, if it is possible for you, take some time away from the situation, take a few slow breaths,  and write down in a journal specific for this exercise

I will, from now on, I will. I know I need to plan it earlier because I will.. freeze and forget about it. I will try to do it tomorrow as I have another meeting. Then I will try to do it while talking to people, like on Saturday – I tried but it was very, very tiny attempt.