Dear Dan,

I will try to give you my understanding of why she might have pulled out of the relationship. What stands out to me is that she asked for space throughout the course of your relationship: she asked for space multiple times during covid, when you both worked from home, her children were living with you all of the time, and the house “got smaller and smaller”. But she also asked for space during your rekindled romance, when you saw each other only on the weekends and spent fun time together, without her children around.

I can imagine why she felt overwhelmed during the covid period, with all those people she needed to take care of. However, it seems that keeping a leisurely relationship with you and meeting you only for the weekends, also led her to feeling overwhelmed after a relatively short time. And so she put a halt on it.

I don’t necessarily think that she fell out of love with you, but that she is conflicted. It could be that on one hand, she likes spending time with you, but on the other, she feels guilty for being with you, since her children, specially her son, sees you as a rival, as someone who is taking his mother away from him.

May I ask you – when you were suggesting those mini vacations (to which she never agreed) – did you invite her children to come along, or it was supposed to be a getaway for just the two of you? Because children are very sensitive to things like that, and if they feel that you don’t want them around, they will feel jealous and will feel like you are taking their mother away from them. I am mentioning this because you’ve said that your biggest need was to spend time alone with her. So perhaps her children felt it – and they felt jealous and excluded?

As I said, it seems to me that the reason she’s pulled away is her being conflicted, feeling guilty about spending time with you because to her it might feel like betraying her children, not being a good enough mother.

There can be two reasons for this guilt: one could be an irrational feeling of guilt, where she feels guilty for having a life outside of being a mother. Another reason, or an additional reason, could be your behavior. Namely, there might be a certain pull, a certain vibe coming from you, where you prefer to spend time alone with her, without her children, and they feel it, even though you never said it out loud. I am not claiming there is such a behavior or vibe on your part, just putting it out there for you to examine. But if there is, it might contribute to them feeling jealous of you and seeing you as a rival. Which in turn makes her feel guilty and not wanting to have to choose between you and her children. And ultimately choosing her children, of course.

So to summarize, this is my take on why she might feel guilty. It’s either because of (1) her own woundedness and the inability to set boundaries with her children, or (2) she might feel guilty because there is a certain dynamic of rivalry between you and her children, specially between you and her son, which she doesn’t like, or (3) it could be because of both of the above.

What do you think?