Dear Caroline,

I am sorry for a late response, I was rather busy this week.

I enjoyed reading what you wrote in your latest posts. It seems you are taking a really good care of yourself and making so much progress:

I told them the truth and I have no power over what he is saying in the office, IF he does say anything. I stay true to myself.

I started to try to be mindful, see, hear, be aware.

I am trying to be cautious of how I act in front of people, read more, listen to music more, go for long walks and be around nature.

On Saturday I talked less, but I think I was more confident. I was thinking before responding, not talking fast like a child.

It’s fantastic that you are becoming more aware, more observant of both yourself and others, and that you felt more confident and more self-composed at the coworkers meeting at the pizzeria. And of course, it’s great that you are taking a good care of yourself, spending time in nature and listening to music that nurtures your soul. Congratulations on these amazing developments!

I think I have freeze reaction for the most of the time during the day, even without the possible threat. I am not sure if this is even possible but I think it might. I noticed things happen and I do not .. recognize them happening.

I think it’s quite possible to be in a sort of half-disassociated state whenever we are out and about… it’s a defense mechanism that you’ve learned. The less mistreatment, injustice etc you notice, the lesser your urge to react, which in turn will keep you safe (or so is your inner child thinking). Sort of “don’t make waves” approach, because if you do make waves, you might get in trouble. So lay low, don’t say anything, don’t react…. Perhaps when you go out among people, your brain automatically goes into the “disassociate” mode, to keep you safe.

Sometimes things happen, people say things and I do not react, do not respond. Only after couple of hours later I recall what had happened and form my opinion on that.

This “delay” in reaction can also be explained by disassociation. You don’t notice it immediately because you’re not fully present, you’re not fully observing what’s going on, while it is going on. Only later, in the safety of your home, you sort of “unfreeze” and start realizing what has really happened and that you might have failed to react… Do you think that this is what’s going on?

So I started to try to be mindful, see, hear, be aware.

Great that you are trying to stay present and be more mindful of what is going on around you. Walking in nature also helps a lot in staying present and grounded. To practice being grounded during your walks, you can put your attention on your feet as they are touching the ground. You can also notice the little details in the forest around you (the trees, the birds chirping…).

The idea is to try to engage all of your senses. If you’re alone on your walks, you can even name out loud the things that you see and the sounds that you hear. That’s how you can further strengthen the sense of being grounded and present in the here-and-now.

What you wrote about my mother is true. I know there is nothing wrong with me, she just projected her lack of confidence and shame on to me. She will not change, she does not want to.

Unfortunately we cannot change people who don’t want to change… But still, you can take a different approach now (different than hers) when and if you visit your family. You don’t need to allow them to disrespect you and treat you like a lesser being. You can either not visit them and feel good about it, or visit them and take a different stand than before. You can now step out from underneath your mother’s “cloud of shame”, where she kept both you and herself all these years, and step into the sunshine of your own worth. You can become independent from your mother, and not a person based on shame any more!

I strongly believe things can change and I will work on that. Feels good to be respected.

So good to hear this! It sure does feel good to be respected, but also to have self-respect. You are making a lot of progress on that path and I am very happy for you!