Dear Dan,

I think you would need to accept that for now, she isn’t accessible because her life situation hasn’t really changed since your separation: her children haven’t grown up and they haven’t suddenly changed their mind about you. She still feels guilty for being with you, and as anita said, by not having you in her life, she is at least relieved from some of that guilt.

I am sure that she feels guilty even now, trying to be a “perfect” mother and please everyone. But at least she doesn’t need to please you in addition to pleasing her children, and she doesn’t need to be guilt-tripped by her children for seeing you. So two sources of guilt are gone, which makes her life a little easier. (Just to clarify: I think she felt a responsibility to please you too, because when she asked for separation, she said that she can’t be the woman you deserve. That wording shows that she felt guilty for not being able to please you and fulfill your expectations.)

She as a person would have to do a lot of work on herself  – specially on her people pleasing tendencies – to really be free from guilt and be able to have healthy relationships (including a healthy relationship with you). Right now it’s not possible, and it won’t be possible for a long long time, unless she decides to work on herself.

So you would need to accept that she – being a person plagued by guilt – will likely not want to get back together with you. She might do so for a short while, but her guilt would return very soon, and she would ask for “space” again.

I am noticing two tendencies in you: one is to try to move on and work on yourself (e.g. you asked to know more about self-parenting), and the other is falling into despair and trying to soothe your pain with substances (“I’ve also been sabotaging myself a bit with drinking and stuff. Im having a hard time. I know what I need to do I just can’t get started and would rather drown my pain.)

A third part of you is hoping that she might decide to reunite sometime in the future (I’m hoping that perhaps at some point down the road we may reunite.)

I think it would help you at this point to accept that this reunion – if nothing changes in her life or in her personality – will likely not happen. The sooner you accept it, the easier it will be. I know it’s hard, because the inner child in you – who needs her so much – is hoping for a miracle. Your inner child is hoping that some day things will change and she will take you back. That she will at least want to spend the weekends with you, and meet your unmet childhood needs (to be cherished, valued, to be nurtured, held in her arms, etc).

Your wounded inner child is looking for a magical solution for his pain…. but unfortunately, Dan, it won’t happen. You need to take your inner child into your own arms and hold him, figuratively speaking. You are your own savior. She isn’t. No one else is.

I do hope that slowly but surely, you will accept this reality. It’s not easy because there are no magical solutions, but it’s the only way. There is a saying: “No one said it will be easy, but it will be worth it.” I think this applies perfectly to your situation… It will be worth it, Dan, to finally start healing those childhood wounds that make your life miserable in the present. The fact that you are in therapy is great.. Keep at it, and let’s keep our conversation here too, if you find it helpful.