Dear Dan,

You said:

I get really down on myself thinking what more could have I done?  I’m stuck ruminating a lot wishing things weren’t the way they are.

In this post I’ll try to explain why in my opinion, your relationship didn’t succeed, and what both you and her could have done differently. I’ll say it right away: I think that your relationship didn’t succeed because of unhealthy patterns in both you and her. It’s not just your fault, and it’s not just her fault.

Let me give you an example. You said you wanted to go on mini vacations, but she always refused. You said it was because you didn’t go on a honeymoon and wanted to make up for that.

It’s normal for a married couple to go on a honeymoon, and to go on a honeymoon alone. So if she refused that, because she didn’t want to leave her children – that shows an unbalanced approach, where she feels guilty for doing something for herself. For having alone time with her new husband.

Besides, her children aren’t that young as she claims. 10 and 14 isn’t so young, they don’t need constant supervision. So she could have left them with their dad for a few days. Claiming they are young and using it as an excuse to not set any boundaries is a mistake on her part.

Returning to the mini vacation example: At the other end of the spectrum would be a scenario where you would want to go on mini vacations exclusively without her children. Where you would say “the weekend is coming, the kids are their dad’s – why don’t the two of us go to XYZ place and have some fun together?” I am not saying this is what you were pushing for, or hoping for, but it would have been an unbalanced approach too, because it would exclude the children altogether and make them feel unwanted.

If your wife was more on one end of the spectrum (never want to go anywhere without her children), and you were more on the other end (preferred not to go to trips with her children) – then it would have caused friction.

I do want to say I understand you: you got a deal which you didn’t want, because covid came and her children ended up spending all of their time with their mother and you. And you didn’t get to have any time with her alone. So going for a mini vacation just the two of you, would have been nice from time to time. And it wouldn’t have been selfish to ask for that.

But if what her children felt from you is the vibe of impatience, something like: “God, when are they going to leave already so I can be alone with my wife?” – then they would have been offended and start turning against you. I am not saying this is what you were thinking, at least not consciously, but unconsciously you might have been giving off such a vibe.

But it must have been hard for you, and you did find yourself in a difficult situation. Let me turn again to your question:

What more could have I done?  I’m stuck ruminating a lot wishing things weren’t the way they are.

Well, if your wife didn’t have so much guilt, she would have understood your need and would have gone with you on one or two mini vacations (provided that it was possible to travel during covid?).

At the same time, if you weren’t so needy, you probably wouldn’t have been so negatively affected by the living arrangements during covid (being stuck with her children 24/7), and you wouldn’t have felt so deprived when she was attending to her children. So maybe there wouldn’t have been this rivalry between you and her children.

But this is only maybe, because if she spoiled them (and probably she did, because you said she had no boundaries with them, e.g. she lets her son sleep in her bed), then even if you were more patient and less needy, they might have still been jealous of you. I don’t know.

Anyway, to wrap this up: it seems to me that your responsibility in the breakup of the relationship is in being too needy, i.e. expecting her to meet all or almost all of your emotional needs (to feel loved, cared for, appreciated, seen, validated). She was your best friend (and maybe your only friend?), and it seems you depended on her to feel good about yourself. Due to this neediness, you might have unconsciously felt jealous of her children, which they picked up on.

While her responsibility in the breakup of the relationship, as I see it, is her strong feeling of guilt for not being able to please everybody, as well as feeling guilty for having needs of her own. Depriving herself of the things she loves, so she can please others.

What do you say? Does this seem like a plausible explanation to you?