Dear Dan,

how have you been?

I would like to comment on something that you’ve said recently. You said you feel terrible for not having suggested to bring your wife’s children to those mini vacations:

I look back now and see that maybe I should have suggested bringing the kids. I know kids can sense these things and although it wasn’t my intent at all to make them feel excluded, I can see how that may have happened. I feel terrible for that. … I feel so bad as I love the kids, but I’m not their dad and I can see how negative thoughts or beliefs can arise.

Please don’t blame yourself. First, you were in a tough situation, your wife’s children spending almost all of the time with you, being closed in one place 24/7. They didn’t go to school, you worked from home, so it was literally 24/7 with them. It was only natural that you needed a break. Wanting to have some time off in a situation like that doesn’t make you a bad stepfather.

And secondly, even if you did show some impatience sometimes, hoping that your wife would give you more attention – it was because of ONE part of you: your wounded inner child. You were otherwise a good stepfather and a good husband. You said you helped your wife a lot with the children, and you also gave her a great settlement, leaving the house to her and her children. This shows you are a good, kind, generous man. Your neediness didn’t show in the financial aspect – you generously provided for your wife and stepchildren.

So please don’t be so hard on yourself. And have compassion for yourself, specially for that needy part which might have caused you to behave less than optimally. That needy part went through a lot as a young child… He doesn’t need your judgment, but your empathy and understanding. I hope you can realize that…