Dear Rhonda:

I read the 9 posts submitted since I wrote to you last and I am dizzy.

You wrote in your note to me: “I really, really appreciate being able to get this out and having someone understand both sides without judgment… It may just boil down to being black and white in deciding just to leave“- you are welcome. And indeed, I have resisted judgment for as long as I could. I then expanded my non-judgmental attitude to the max, and having reached that max, I say: as far as the question to stay with him or to leave–  this is as black-and-white a situation as can be: leave and do so as soon as possible.

(1) Unfortunately, B suffered from a left-side brain traumatic injury (tbi) 20 years ago, and he still shows symptoms (you wrote:  “If you read up on TBI’s he matches all of the effects. He’s sporadic, unpredictable, and half the time acts age 15 in maturity“)- not a good candidate to stay with. A mother of 2 needs a steady, predictable and mature man, the opposites of B.

“Honestly, I can’t do it on my own without a support system“- B is as close to being a support system as drought is to growing food from the ground.

flint rehab. com: regarding the left side of the brain: “Some functions controlled by the left hemisphere include: * Logic and reasoning * … * Analytic thought * Language comprehension *…  * Sequential thinking“-  My empathy is with B for suffering from tbi, but you cannot reverse his injury by staying with him,  and it is not your job to try to make it up to him for his injury, not any more than it is your job to make it up to any person with permanently (so it seems) compromised cognitive and emotional functioning. If you feel lots of empathy for sufferers of tbi, you can help tbi causes by donating money or volunteering in some capacity. But if you stay with B, you will not be able to help him. Instead, you will be harming yourself and your children.

(2) He may get custody of his significantly disabled, special needs 8-months-old daughter who was born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, and if he does, you will be the one taking care of her in addition to taking care of your 6-year-old and a newborn… and in addition to having a full-time job (is this even possible for you to do all that?)

(3) You wrote: “he’d been with a lot of women and men and had a few STD’s… He was sleeping with his daughter’s mother when she was on drugs and alcohol“- B has/ had multiple partners, and the mother of his daughter probably did as well, given that she lived on the streets and was on drugs (and still is)… I doubt either one used protection while having sex. The more you stay with B, the higher your risk of deadly STDs- not a good thing for you, nor is it a good thing for your children.

(4) “He got DUIs in his past and has a suspended license. After December he can pay to have them given back“-being that he is “sporadic. unpredictable” (your words), there is no reason to predict that he will keep his driver’s license if and when it is reinstated.

(5)  “I finally exploded and looked like the bad guy. I still got called crazy and was threatened to be left if I didn’t drop it. It’s a very tight rope“- better get off that tight rope ASAP and stand on solid ground. Otherwise, you will end up exploding again and again,  being called crazy by a man who is too far from being sane.

“I don’t want a life based on a lie“- life with him is and will be based on mental, emotional and practical dysfunction.

“He did just spend his first in a long time check on bills. I’m thankful I can trust him with money“- too fast to trust a sporadic and unpredictable individual following a first act, isn’t it?

“A mutual gay friend of mine and B’s has confirmed my suspicion and said he knows E well enough (they’ve been friends for a long time)… He’s actually offered to talk to them both and me and B together. We will call our mutual friend R. I’m pretty happy about that. He’s a genuine good friend who really just wants to help…. E never goes for guys his own age. He is shallow and wants them young and hot. Now that I think about it- it does seem very creepy and makes me cringe”-

– If R has been a friend of E for “a long time“, R is not “a genuine good friend” or a genuine good person. If he was a genuine good person, he wouldn’t be able to stomach being E’s friend for a long time (he would have cringed, like you cringed). E is a bad man not because of his sexual orientation but because he chooses to take sexual advantage of men, and even worse: he takes sexual advantage of men who are a third of his age, only a couple of years removed from their teenage years.

“I was trying to look at E as a grandpa figure. My son lost all his grandparents“-  I understand that you wish that E could be a grandpa figure to your 6-year-old, but wishing doesn’t make it so. If you wished that cyanide was sugar and added it to a cake… it wouldn’t be much of a party, would it…?

As I was reading your posts, Rhonda, I asked myself: how is it that an intelligent woman such as yourself (your writing is organized and evident of intelligence and education), considers making a life with a man like B…  and most recently, trusting a man like R.  Is it wishful thinking (as I mentioned right above),  wishing reality what it isn’t?

* “Honestly I’ve wanted to really come clean about my concerns to the case worker, but I don’t feel it’s my business. Any advice on a right answer for that part?“- yes, please come clean to the case worker, for the sake of the 8-months old girl. It is the right thing to do, just as it is the right thing for you and for your children to leave B and E… and find a better way, a better life.

anita