Dear Katrine,

I am glad that our conversation is helping you!

I wanted to understand the behavior of your receptionist colleague/friend a little better, so I went back and went through some of your earlier posts in this thread. And I took a lot of notes, so this will be long 🙂

So if I understood well, it all started in June or July, when your receptionist friend and your other friend, who works with you at the café (the latter used to be your roommate, right?) – invited you to go to a pub with them. At that time they still didn’t know you liked him. I don’t know if I got this right, but it seems you went with them two days in a row, and on the second day, they invited him too:

The first day we all went to a pub together (before they knew i liked him) they invited me to go with them (which made me happy that they asked me) the day after they told the cute guy that we were going to a pub with me and two other boys and if he liked to join which he did. He already had plans that day but joined us and even stayed with us even though he had to be with the others. He looked at me and said that this was very nice and we should definitly do it again which i agreed on. So I really thought we would do that again but didn’t happen.

I haven’t understood if you confided in those 2 girls already at your first night out, and that’s why they invited him the following day? Or you told them only later?

In any case, after you told them, they commented that he was sending you good signals (i.e. they believed you have a chance), and promised to help you out:

They said some months ago that he was sending me good signals and that they would help me out with him because of my anxiety, but they never did.

During July and August, he was showing interest in you: he was inquiring about you at your colleague who works at the café, then he invited you to the pub (that’s when you left without saying goodbye). A while later he invited you to go for a beer after work, then he came to your housewarming party, and in September, you both were at someone else’s housewarming party.

On all those occasions he was showing interest in you, and it seems that the “fallout” at the pub (when you left without saying goodbye) didn’t have a major impact. Eventually, on Sept 19 (if I am counting right), you had the yoga date.

Your receptionist colleague knew about the upcoming date and was asking you about it every day:

The girl who added pressure kept asking me about him everyday, and saying things like if nothing happens on this first date you move on and forget about him. If it doesn’t happen now it never will you are too different.

I am thinking that she was basically rooting for you, but might have had some doubts since nothing had happened between you and the guy up until that point, even though there were quite a few opportunities. Maybe that’s why she said “if nothing happens now, it never will”. She was keen to know what was going on, and was texting you before the date, and this made you even more nervous.

Some time after the date, you met with her, and you talked it over:

I went out for drinks with drinks with a female colleague and she gave me some good pointers as well. She works with him and she has never seen him awkward and anxious with anyone. She said that my text after the date was defensive and that that would make the person on the other end defensive. At the time I thought it sounded good and that it would make him take a step forward. Now not so much. We also talked about the fact that i am too avoident in my flirting (i am basically just shut down and ignore someone) cuz i feel it is so obvious that i am anxious around them because i like them i can’t expect people to read minds. And men also needs to know that if the are putting themselves out there and making advance to a women that it is received well.

And she made a point that we are both indirect people (to protect ourselves) which makes sense with our back ground. But it also means that there are a lot of misunderstandings. She pointed out a lot of examples of his indirect ways of trying to spend time with me, but I didn’t catch on to it because he wasn’t direct enough. So learning to communicate and be authentic and vulnerable is better than to expect people to read minds. Just because i know why i am reacting a certain way doesn’t mean that other people knows why i am acting that way.

I think it’s nice of her that she talked it over with you. Her opinion was that the text you sent him after the date was defensive and that it might have repelled him. She pointed out many occasions when he showed interest in you but you didn’t pick it up. She also gave you some pointers on how to better show that you are interested in someone.

Based on that conversation, conversation with some other friends and the advice you received here on the forum, you decided you want to try it once again: you decided to let him know you like him and to also apologize for your anxious behavior previously.

You sent him a message, but he unfortunately rejected you again. He was kind and polite, but nevertheless he said no.

After that, it could be that your receptionist colleague realized that there is no chance between you and him. Maybe that’s why she didn’t invite you to go to drinks with them, because she knew you were very sad and heartbroken? So perhaps this was her attempt to be considerate?

In the following weeks after the yoga date, it seems she went back to business-as-usual (partying and drinking with him and the gang – which they have been doing for months). It could be that in her view, the story between you and him was just an episode, in which she was interested and even wanted to help you out while it lasted. But since it ended, she isn’t thinking about it any more. She started behaving like before, without considering your feelings too much.

This also shows she isn’t really a close friend, because a close friend would be more considerate and would be checking with you, asking you how you are. It seems she is rather a colleague, with whom you can mostly have a superficial relationship.

I wouldn’t say she is a bad person though, and I don’t think she is insincere as I thought earlier – but simply she has her own life and doesn’t pay much attention to what is going on with you emotionally.

You say that nowadays you feel better when she isn’t around. It’s probably because you feel resentment towards her, you feel that she betrayed you. In reality, I don’t see a huge betrayal on her part. She was at some point interested in the success of your relationship and wanted to help you, but since nothing came out of it, she probably stopped thinking about it.

Anyway, I think it would help if you would re-evaluate her actions, and perhaps try to see things from her perspective. Also, maybe see her not as a close friend, but as a colleague. If you change your expectations towards her, I think things would be easier and you wouldn’t feel so betrayed.

What do you say?