Dear farnaz,

I’d like to reply to your question about forgiveness vs trust. I agree that trust is a step further than forgiveness:

by forgiving and trusting , i mean with people who are in your life who hurt you in the past , but still are in your life and you want them to be in your life once you forgive them can you trust them again ? i think trust some step further than forgiveness

Yes, it is. Dr. Henry Cloud, psychotherapist and author of a bestseller book “Boundaries”, described it nicely: “Forgiveness is free, trust is earned.”

Meaning that we should forgive everyone, no matter how badly they’ve harmed us. Because by forgiving them, we free ourselves from the grudge and anger and hatred that is toxic for us. By forgiving them, we are free to move on.

However, that doesn’t mean that we should remain in a relationship with those people or trust them. Because if they haven’t changed, if they haven’t apologized for their wrong-doings, there is no point in trusting them. It would be naive and even harmful to ourselves.

but people who did one mistake and try to somehow make up for that . do u trust them again ?

If the person realized their wrong-doing and apologized (but sincerely apologized, with the intention not to do it again), then you can open up to them and sort of soften your protection a little bit. To use a metaphor, you don’t wear a full armor around them, but you take some of it off.

You make yourself a little vulnerable, e.g. you share about some worry or problem of yours, and then see what they do with that information. If they use it against you, you put on your armor again and don’t trust them again. If they are kind and supportive and don’t misuse your vulnerability, you can open yourself a little more next time. Over time, if they are consistently supportive and don’t betray you, you can say that they’ve earned your trust.

Dr. Cloud talks about it in a youtube video titled “Forgiveness does not require trust.” He is a Christian based psychotherapist and mentions God, but he talks about universal principles. The part about trust starts at min 10:20.