Dear Eric:

Congratulations on your 4th and 5th date and on planning a 6th date! I am excited for you!

“Inside my car, we talked a lot… I noticed that we talked more deeply… our eyes looked straight at each other… I talked more slowly… maybe it’s because the place was a bit dark. This is a first time experience for me“- excellent. You were more relaxed in the car probably because it was just the two of you (no other people around), and it was dark (no lights, like in a restaurant). For future heart-to-heart conversations, have them in the car, in relative darkness vs in a public place.

“In the 5th date… I made a mistake in choosing the place. I thought the place was cozy and comfy, but when we went there,  there’s lots of people smoking…. She said it’s fine because i have no idea as both of us never went there“- she is right. It would be a mistake if you chose to go to that same place a second time, but it was not a mistake to go there a first time because you had no prior experience of the place.

“I kept asking her (I overthink that she might be disappointed in me for choosing that place), if she’s really okay? And she laughed and said she’s fine, as she’s not that picky“- she has a wonderful attitude: she didn’t try to make you feel worse than you were feeling; instead, she tried to make you feel better. And she wasn’t annoyed with you repeating your questions.

“I also feel ashamed because I ordered a spicy food, and I sweat a lot because I can’t take it. I try my best to hide my weakness, and I told her its fine if she wants to laugh at me, and she did laugh but she told me it’s okay and she wipe my sweat herself when I didn’t asked her to“- she has not only a wonderful attitude but a beautiful heart, seems to me. How precious it was that she wiped off your sweat!

“Before we went home, we talked a lot again in the car, this time is 2 hours long… and my intonation became more slower and soft… I almost thought we both are gonna have our first kiss there“- you have enough experience now to know that the car is a good place for the two of you to talk and to get emotionally closer to each other. You are more relaxed there than elsewhere.

“She also told me that she never had a relationship before because she wasn’t ready, and that there were 2 boys who chased her previously. And i asked her ‘so you’re still not ready now?’ But then she said to me she’s more ready now“- I am impressed with you for asking this question and pleased that she answered the way she did. I am optimistic about this beginning relationship!

“Then she asked for both of us to take a picture in the car and we did“- I am optimistic.

“When I went back home, I recapped if I made any mistakes, and yes I did“- there are always mistakes, Eric. You have to learn to be okay with making mistakes: everyone makes mistakes, including this lovely girl you are dating. Would you want her to torture herself like you torture yourself over mistakes? Be easier on yourself… gently hush your self-criticisms.

“So basically I need to stop hating myself to stop all those worries right?“- yes! If you stop hating yourself, you will no longer make yourself suffer. If you love yourself, you will care for how you feel and you will not want yourself to feel badly.

“But then I feel like if I don’t worry at all, then I won’t try to improve this relationship at all?“- you can invest time and thought into improving the relationship, but worrying and suffering will not help the relationship at all.

“It’s already like a habit of mine, I feel weird if there’s nothing to worry about“- get used to this weird feeling of not worrying, you will like it very much once you get used to it.

“As usual, you can just ignore it if you feel it’s another obsession of mine“- thank you: it’s kind of you to care that I do what is right for me to do.

“Basically every time I meet her, it really feels unreal. I just hope that she won’t get bored of our city and decided to leave for another city“- it would be difficult for her to find a young man (in another city or elsewhere) who will be even close to being as considerate of her and caring for her as you are.

I asked you: “do you like yourself?” and you answered: “tbh till right now, I still don’t, I don’t think I can like myself, but I can try to distract myself to not think about it. That’s why I always did everything to make myself happy, fulfill my expectations, so I won’t feel sad and start hating myself. But still, it’s hard to not feel worried in this relationship stuffs“-

-first, thank you for answering my question instead of ignoring it. Second, you have to accept the fact that you are an imperfect human being (like the rest of us) who cannot help but make mistakes from time to time (like the rest of us). For as long as you make your liking of yourself conditional on being perfect and never making mistakes… you will never like yourself (not for long, not beyond maybe a moment here or there); instead, you will dislike and even hate yourself.

“One of the boys that chased her..“- that’s a worry- obsession I choose to ignore. I wish you can ignore it too!

“Tbh when I think about it, I guess you are right. I’ve been worrying a lot my whole life, especially regarding something that hasn’t happen yet. I keep labelling that as a defense mechanism for myself, to prevent myself from getting hurt“- worrying itself is hurting you. Prevent yourself from getting hurt by not worrying!

“But isn’t worrying, part of human life?“- unfortunately, yes it is. So, I don’t expect you (or me) to never worry. I do expect you to worry less, way, way less, and to not worry about things you can do nothing about.

I will close this reply with something I didn’t tell you for a while: I am proud of you, Eric, you are doing well!

anita