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How can i get rid of this overthinking and insecurity?

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  • #408342
    Eric
    Participant

    Hi everyone, here i am starting a new thread. As recently my head is filled with insecurity and overthinking….

     

    So i’ve been close to a girl for about a month, i get close to her by buying her mooncake, i first initiate her by social media because we barely know each other… and i finally saw her physical state when i pick up the mooncake, and after that i keep texting her to get closer, and finally we went on a date once…. And plan to have our next date this sunday…

    The thing that makes me insecure and overthinking these days are that i saw few boys following her on social media, just like how i get close to her… and one of it was my acquaintance (he’s my senior in highschool, a year older than me)… and i fear that he might snatch that girl from me…. I dont wanna experience another heartbreak, my previous heartbreak is too painful for me (it’s in my previous thread)….

    I keep trying my best to make her comfortable with me everyday, i text her daily but i also make sure she doesnt feel uncomfortable… But i still keep overthinking that she might get snatched… it really ruined my mood everyday….

    And since i get close to her, i cant fully focused in my work too… like it became divided… well i still do my job… it’s just that my mind is divided, unlike when i wasnt close with anyone…. My mind is fully focused on myself….

    Tbh i still dont know if she’s really interested in me or just being friendly… i hope i’m not friendzoned…

     

    I also keep overthinking about that day on her birthday… i gave her a 12cm birthday cake, while most of her friends gave her a 15cm cake…. I feel so ashamed…. Actually i want to give her a bigger cake but then i keep thinking that we just knew for a month, then i decided to give her a smaller cake, but i was wrong…. Luckily her respond to me was very good… she felt very happy and was quite surprised that i sent a birthday cake to her home…. I just hope she doesnt secretly disappointed in me for giving her a small cake…. I really have a hard time forgiving myself about this….

     

    I keep praying so that i can be free from this overthinking… i really like her personality, and also her appearance…. I finally can feel free from my ex crush…. This is why i cant bear that someone snatched her when i’m on the right track now….

     

    Eric

    #408343
    Eric
    Participant

    This overthinking also causes me to have difficulties in sleeping, as it makes me anxious…. And i also feel like crying sometimes…. I dont want another heartbreak….

    #408361
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    Welcome back to the forums. As you know, I have communicated with you extensively for over 3 years and I (as well as other members) gave you so much input in regard to your overthinking…  so much that it could fill a thick book. I personally suggested to you all that I could possibly suggest again and again.. and yet again… and again.  Basically, you and I both kept repeating ourselves and no progress was made as far as your severe overthinking.

    In my most recent post to you, in your previous thread, I wrote on Sept 5 this year: “Dear Eric, Altogether you submitted 34 threads under different accounts since July 2019 and one central theme that persisted through all of them is your overthinking/ obsessive thinking… (On Sept 4, 2022), I wrote to you: ‘Anxiety  is in the core of your obsessive thinking, social anxiety and body dysmorphia. I repeatedly suggested to you over the years to see a medical doctor or a psychotherapist. Did you ever considered seeking professional help (a medical doctor and/or a psychotherapist)…? Your reply (Sept 5, 2022): ‘I haven’t consulted a professional because my parents might thought that I have a major problem and they could be worried, also other problems I feel that I can solve without professional as long as I can convince my mind’

    “The two of us repeated ourselves many, many times through the years of our communication. And the repetition had no positive value to any one of us. I know that (1) Quality professional intervention will help you short-term and long-term, (2) This issue is too big for you (or for any individual person in your place) to be able to solve by yourself, and (3) All responses to your obsessions-of-the-moment throughout the 3 years provided you with ZERO help: the themes of your obsessions persist unchanged. Not only responding to your obsessions-of-the-moment is not helping you- it is harming you because it fuels your obsessive thinking, it keeps it going. Your latest obsession, the mooncake-obsession, seems so BIG and URGENT in your mind… but every obsession seemed big and urgent throughout the history of your obsessions. …

    “I will no longer put fuel into your obsessions by responding to them. As you post from now on, I will reply (if you would like me to continue and reply, that is), but I will ignore parts of your posts where you present your obsession-of-the-moment. I will need to be strong and resolute in my commitment to proceed this way.”, Sept 5, 2022.

    And today, Oct 12, 2022, I will accordingly respond to your recent post on your older thread and to your original post on this thread: congratulations for going on your first ever date with a young woman I am happy for you!!! I hope that you feel better and sleep better very soon, and that you will have a pleasant second date this coming Sunday!

    anita

    #408364
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you for your response and for wishing me a pleasant second date this sunday….

    And yes i understand that you feel that you need to be strong in your commitment to stop feeding my obsessions….

    But the thing is that, i think some of this issue arent about obsessions as there is a “potential rival” who could snatch her from me…. Like shouldnt i be cautious? If i just let it be, he might snatch her away from me right? But idk what i should do, all i can do is do my best for this girl and hoping that she’s not interested in that guy….

    #408366
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    You are welcome. Thank you for understanding that I do indeed need to be strong in my commitment to no longer feed your obsessions, including the current potential rival obsession.

    All I can do is do my best for this girl“- I agree and I am glad that you realize this to be true!

    anita

    #408441
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    As we’ve communicated extensively for about 3 years, i bet you know how much i wanted a relationship with someone who’ll cherish me….

    And with this girl, i feel that she’s the closest from becoming my first girlfriend (i hope so)….  When i think about relationships, i never plan to have the next one… i want it for long term which is marriage….

    Because i felt so uneasy and insecure that she might get snatched, i sent her a birthday gift which is a music box… wrapped with a box in which i put some notes on it… i hope she’ll feel more interested in me….

    She’s willing to go out on a second date, which is a good sign for me….(just like me, she’s also never been in a relationship)… But why do i always felt that im the only one doing the effort… like she never texts me first… it’s always me…. Idk if this is just her personality or it’s just her being friendly…. I’m doing my best for her….

    I just hope that i’m on the right track of finding the right one….

    And i’d be thankful if you’d give your opinion based on ur personal view, and not from facts on the internet….

     

     

    I believe what i said above isnt about my obsession….

    #408461
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    Before I can give you my opinion, I need to understand the following:

    1) “finally we went on a date once“- how did the first date come about, what happened and what was said during the first date?

    2) “She’s willing to go out on a second date” – how did it happen that she is willing to  go out on a 2nd date: did you ask her to go on a 2nd date with you? Did you tell her what you want to happen on the 2nd date (ex. see a movie together)?

    3) “I sent her a birthday gift which is a music box wrapped in a box in which I put some notes on it“- what kinds of things did you write in those notes, and did she respond to the notes and to the gifts, if she did, how did she respond?

    4) “But why do I always felt that I’m the only one doing the effort,  like she never texts me first. It’s always me“- what do you feel about her not doing any effort (not initiating texts, not sending you a gift) does it make you feel angry at her?

    anita

    #408483
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

     

    1. how did the first date come about, what happened and what was said during the first date?

    = It went well, we went out to the cinema to watch movies and have dinner together that night… our conversation went well, and overall it was a good first date experience for me….

    But idk why i feel exhausted after that date, maybe because i keep talking to her to make sure she doesnt stay quiet and feel awkward around me? I’m new to dating so im not quite sure

     

    2. how did it happen that she is willing to  go out on a 2nd date: did you ask her to go on a 2nd date with you? Did you tell her what you want to happen on the 2nd date (ex. see a movie together)?

     

    = We were talking about vegetarian food by texts, then i just casually ask her in a joking manner… if she’s willing to eat some of the unique vegetarian dishes… and she said she’s willing… then i told her should we eat this sunday? And she said sure….

     

    3. what kinds of things did you write in those notes, and did she respond to the notes and to the gifts, if she did, how did she respond?

    = i write “open me” in the upper side of the box, and also a “h+7 birthday” …. Her respond was good… my timing was correct i send that gift at night so she saw it when she went home after finishing her class in uni….. she said that i’m a person who’s full of ideas…

     

    4. what do you feel about her not doing any effort (not initiating texts, not sending you a gift) does it make you feel angry at her?

    = well she did ask me what kind of gift do i like… and i tell her some of the clues…. But the weird part is that i’m always the one initiating the texts….
    I always initiate her in a unique way, such as “saying good morning in a different language”, or by sending her a funny video…. But it feels exhausting and i could ran out of ideas soon…. I also feel angry sometimes, as im the only one doing the effort… I also need to do my other tasks everyday, while thinking of ways to initiate a convo with her…. It became stressful…

     

     

    Also there’s another problem…. I always hesitate when i feel like committing to a relationship, i like to text and go out with this girl…. But i feel that sooner or later i need to confess to her and commit to the relationship…. And i feel so much pressure in committing…. Like i dont know how her family will perceive me… will it be good or not?

    #408485
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    First, I am very impressed with you because you did so many things very well: (1) You carried on the first date very well, including the conversation, resulting in a good first date experience for you and for her, (2) You asked her for a 2nd date in an appropriate, effective and cute way (first asking her if she is willing to try unique vegetarian dishes, then asking her to try it on Sunday), (3) You’ve been  attentive to her and very creative (the gift, the notes, the good-morning texts in different languages, the funny videos). Like she said: you are indeed full of ideas!

    Second, I am not surprised that you felt exhausted after the first date, and  that you’ve been feeling stressed, pressured, exhausted and overwhelmed ever since about initiating creative texts for her, fearing that you’ll run out of ideas to implement in the texts, overthinking ways to initiate conversations with her, fearing that someone will snatch her from you on one hand, and fearing to commit to her on the other hand, and fearing that her family will reject you.

    I am not surprised because ever since we started communicating, you’ve been a very anxious young man, strongly inclined to worry and overthink about all possible negatives, focusing on the negatives. Being so very anxious is exhausting… for anyone! So no wonder you are exhausted.

    It is important that you understand that she is not responsible for your stress level and exhaustion because you’ve been a very anxious individual way before you ever met her. From what you describe, she hasn’t behaved in any way that is inconsiderate, rude or demanding. The STRESS is inside you, it is not her fault.

    When people feel very stressed, they are inclined to  feel angry at other people (who do not cause their stress) and blame them for their stress. Be careful to not do this in regard to this young woman.

    You have the option to ask her to  initiate a text to you once or twice a day, let’s say. You also have the option to share with her a little bit about your anxiety and what you are anxious about: this can help your stress level to come down some, because you will not be keeping your thoughts and feelings all to yourself. Also, because this is not only your first dating experience, but her first dating experience as well, try to understand that she probably experiences some stress herself, feeling awkward too, not knowing what to say and do.

    I feel that sooner or later I need to confess to her and commit to the relationship. And I feel so much pressure in committing“- one step at a time, Eric. It is too soon to commit after a first date. Try to postpone thinking about commitment until 2013: keep the remaining of this year free of thoughts of committing to marry her.

    You also have the option to see a medical professional/ psychotherapist so to LOWER your stress level, so that you are not overwhelmed with life in general and with dating in particular.

    I will close this post with once again congratulating you on your first date: I am so glad to read how successful it was, and how successful you were arranging for a second date. Excellent job, Eric!

    anita

     

    #408594
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita

     

    Thank you for congratulating me!

     

    So i just had my second date with her yesterday…. As usual we talk a lot while having our dinner on that vegetarian restaurant… although when she entered my car, we kept quiet for a while… i suddenly dont know what to say…. Then after eating in that vegetarian restaurant we went to a dessert cafe, and our conversation went more smoothly there… as the place was more quiet and relaxing…. And she also said “the last time we forgot to take a pic, let’s take a pic together”… and we had a pic together….

    She told me a lot about her family, and i was quite surprised that her mother was her father’s second wife…. But i dont mind it at all (i didnt told her this)…. I always thought that my family was too small, and we’re not in a good relationship with my father’s siblings… but turns our her family wasnt perfect either… i felt really calm, because if her family was like that, she can understand better on my family situation….

    We talk about lots of stuffs, such as that life is a very short period amount of time…. She’s really open to me about her families…. But i havent told her about my anxiety and my family issues… but i did told her a lot about my main family (the 4 of us)….

    Although we talk a lot, i didnt feel like there is a moment to flirt…. I dont really know how to flirt in real life, but i did flirt with her by texts…. But in real life i cant… we talk about everything more seriously… yes we did have a joke but its not flirty… idk how to do it… i’m not experienced….

    And this sunday, there is a good movie coming out so i asked her if she wanna watch it together, then we can have dessert again… and she said yes sure…. I hope there is more progress this sunday…..

    I’m running out of ideas because i can only ask her to hang out by watching movies, dessert and dinner…. Idk if she’ll get bored eventually… i’m worried…. I dont have any significant hobby…. So its hard for me to ask her to do sports together or something like that….

    and also do u think i should ask her out more often, like maybe increase it into 2 times a week? I dont want other guys to snatch her because i’m not quick enough because that i’m meeting her too less….. I hope that i’m be blessing with good luck in this relationship with her….

    #408602
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    You are welcome! I was thinking about you yesterday, Eric, because it was Sunday and I was wondering about the 2nd date. I was a bit worried that maybe it didn’t take place, so I am pleased to receive your recent post this Monday morning (my time), and read that not only did the 2nd date take place, but it was an excellent date: congratulations for a second excellent date!

    I know that it was an excellent date because (1) There was a lot of conversation, including about each other’s families, (2) She initiated taking a picture together with you, (3) You asked her for a 3rd date and she agreed right away, no hesitation.

    turns out her family wasn’t perfect either. I felt really calm, because if her family was like that, she can understand better my family situation“- exactly. Plus, the more you talk to her, the more imperfect things  you will find out about her, and the calmer you will feel about your own imperfections. Just as you wouldn’t want her to be perfect (it would have made you feel too imperfect), she wouldn’t want you to be perfect (for the same reason).

    I haven’t told her about my anxiety and my family issues, but I did tell her a lot about my main family (the 4 of us)“- it is a good thing that you didn’t tell her a whole lot on the 2nd date. Sharing about personal matters should be a bit at a time, so no one gets overwhelmed with too much information.

    Although we talk a lot, I didn’t feel like there is a moment to flirt. I don’t really know how to flirt in real life“- it is okay that you didn’t flirt with her in-person during the first and second date. If you did, it could have been awkward for you and for her. Think of it this way: the 2nd day went very well, she agreed to a 3rd right away, this means that the date was excellent just as it was.

    “I did flirt with her by texts. But in real life I can’t… I’m not experienced“- a lot of things are easier over text and online than in-person, so it makes sense to me that it’s easier for you to flirt by text. Remember that she too is not experienced. If she was with an experienced man, maybe she’d feel uncomfortable. If I was her age, single, on a 1st or 2nd date with a guy,  I would have preferred an inexperienced guy over an experienced guy.

    I’m running out of ideas because I can only ask her to hang out by watching movies, dessert and dinner. Idk if she’ll get bored eventually“- movies, desserts and dinners won’t get boring for her because at different dates she can watch different movies, and she can pick different items on the menu (or the same and still enjoy), and/ or go to different restaurants, etc.

    I don’t have any significant hobby. So it’s hard for me to ask her to do sports together or something like that“- maybe she doesn’t have a significant hobby herself and maybe she would feel uncomfortable playing a sport with a guy she is dating.

    also do u think I should ask her out more often, like maybe increase it into 2 times a week? I don’t want other guys to snatch her“- (1) no one snatched her before you met her (she didn’t have a relationship before you), so why would she be snatched now… (2) if you know her schedule (and yours), you can figure if she has the time to see you more often than once a week, and you can ask her if she would like to see you more often.

    I’m worried“- I opened this post saying that I was a bit worried yesterday. I said a bit because I was not tortured by worry, I didn’t think worrying thoughts all day yesterday. Try to be a bit worried.

    And again, congratulations for doing as well as you do!

    anita

    #408654
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita

     

    Thank you once again for congratulating my date….

     

    (1) no one snatched her before you met her (she didn’t have a relationship before you), so why would she be snatched now…

    = Because there are several guys following her social media this month, and one of them was an acquaintance i know (he’s more experienced than me as he has 2 ex’s, and he can do all sorts of male activities such as golf, basketball and he has lots of friends…. The only thing i can win against him is that he drop out of college, and i graduated without any fail)… Well yes, i’m close to this girl now…. But any of those boys could text her anytime, and she might ger swayed… that’s what im worried…. As she might focus on me now because im the only one chasing her… I hope this isnt counted as an obsession…

     

    I know that it was an excellent date because (1) There was a lot of conversation, including about each other’s families, (2) She initiated taking a picture together with you, (3) You asked her for a 3rd date and she agreed right away, no hesitation.

    = Well yes it was a good date, but i still have my habit of having difficulties in deciding something… and it’s not a good thing for dating…. Like after we ate in that restaurant, i asked her if she want to have a dessert and she said she’s fine with anything…. And i said to her that im confused… “should we have dessert or not”…. I believe males need to be decisive isnt it. It’s because everytime i hangout with my friends, i’m never the one deciding where to it…. I’m just the follower type….

    it is okay that you didn’t flirt with her in-person during the first and second date. If you did, it could have been awkward for you and for her. Think of it this way: the 2nd day went very well, she agreed to a 3rd right away, this means that the date was excellent just as it was.

    =well yes, i believe she’s also new to this “dating” thing… but if we both plan to “have a relationship” i believe there should be some flirting… otherwise it’d be just a casual hangout with a friend….

     

    maybe she doesn’t have a significant hobby herself and maybe she would feel uncomfortable playing a sport with a guy she is dating.

    = Yeah she doesnt seem to have any specific hobbies, she only loves to watch dramas/movies and some casual hangouts…. But isnt it weird if im a guy but i have these kind of “hobby” like her….

     

    It’s because she has a sister that’s a year older than her and she is currently dating an experience guy (more or less like the acquaintance who follows the girl im dating right now (do sports, manly activities, has lots of friends)… and she’s close with her sister and that’s making me worry…. As her sister has a lot of friends too (her sister friends are like the “judging” type of girls)

    #408656
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    You are welcome! “1)…. Any of those boys can text her anytime, and she might get swayed… I hope this isn’t counted as an obsession“- yes, it is counted as an obsession. I referred to this obsession six days ago (see my Oct 12 post) as the “potential rival obsession”.

    I believe males need to be decisive isn’t it. It’s because every time I hang out with my friends, I’m never the one deciding where to eat. I’m just the follower type“- because you are in the habit of being the follower type, it will be difficult for you to change and become the taking charge type, ex: the one deciding where to eat. It will take intentional practice on your part. Find the opportunities to practice (at home, when you hang out with friends, and with her), and practice.

    well yes, i believe she’s also new to this “dating” thing… but if we both plan to ‘have a relationship’, I believe there should be some flirting, otherwise it’d be just a casual hangout with a friend“- give her a compliment next time, tell her that you like  something about the way she looks (you can word a compliment ahead of time). When you compliment her, maintain eye contact and have a sincere smile on your face.

    “<b>But isn’t it weird if I’m a guy but I have these kind of ‘hobby’ like her</b>”- no, it is not weird. (If you argue with me in your next post that it is weird, I will have to refer to this item as an obsession.

    She has a sister that’s a year older than her and she is currently dating an experience guy…  (do sports, manly activities, has lots of friends), and she’s close with her sister and that’s making me worry“- worries/ obsessions for you are like fires: when you  extinguish one fire, there’s a new fire,  you extinguish the new fire…. there’s the old fire burning again. Isn’t this how it is for you, Eric?

    anita

    #408715
    Eric
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear anita,</p>
     

    give her a compliment next time, tell her that you like  something about the way she looks (you can word a compliment ahead of time). When you compliment her, maintain eye contact and have a sincere smile on your face.

    = okay i’ll try… but i still have a hard time maintaining eye contact without talking, like i’m too shy to stare at her….

     

    And btw do u think relationships could disrupt my friendship with my friends?

    Because as of today, i feel like friends are not permanent… like they could be “not on our side” anytime…. As suddenly they could be our new work/business competitor…. I just experienced this recently (well he’s not a close friend, but could be counted as a friend)…..

     

    So next week i’m planning to ask that girl again for a date on thursday night, because she’s not available on monday-wednesday night…. Friday-sunday i went out of country for an event….

    But then one of my friend who’ll attend the same event as me outside our country, wants to visit my city on thursday (he’s my uni friend)…. And that guy also has a uni friend in my city too, in which that person is also my close friend, but she wont attend the event outside our country on friday-sunday.

    I’m really pissed off because why does he have to come to my city…. Now i have to meet him and ended up not having a date with that girl… he landed to my city on the evening, so he plans to have a dinner here… if i didnt eat with him and my friend… they would asked why couldnt i join… Well i can tell them some “excuses” but im also worried that if i date with that girl on that day, i could accidentally met them… as my city is small…. I’ll eventually met that guy outside my country on friday-sunday… that’s why i dont want to cancel my “date (still planning)” for him… but the other friend might be suspicious… as she’s really a social queen who wants to know everything….

    If i dont date with that girl on thursday next week, that means i wont be meeting her at all next week…. I dont want this to disrupt our relationship… as i’m still on progress…. I dont want my progress to go waste, as it’s not easy….

    If i’m not close to anyone, i’d be happy to join his dinner of thursday… but right now it’s different….

     

     

    #408716
    Eric
    Participant

    I’ll be really happy and grateful if i can keep making progress in this relationship with that girl….. but due to my inexperience, idk how i should maintain everything….. like friendships, improving my skills on working…. But at the same time i have to focus fully too on relationship… i dont want to experience any more heartbreak…. I like everything organized as this is my personality, so i dont want any to fell off….

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