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How can i get rid of this overthinking and insecurity?

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Viewing 13 posts - 166 through 178 (of 178 total)
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  • #413740
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Eric

    Sorry for the late reply, I’ve been busy.

    Realistically, do you think there are any changes your family can make to your Chinese New Year celebrations? Is there anything that you would like to do differently when your girlfriend is coming over?

    Imagining scenarios that couldn’t possibly happen only increases anxiety. Approaching situations realistically using your problem solving skills is an important skill to practice to help manage your anxiety.

    It sounds like you want this year to be special, do you have any ideas how to achieve that?

    #413836
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear helcat

    I dont think my parents will change their celebrations, it has been this way for years…

     

    Regarding the “girlfriend”, its getting tiring with her… she’s making me exhausted… last time she said she was busy with thesis, next she said she was busy preparing for chinese new year…

    And today when we plan on having a date, she told me she only can meet me for a short while because her parents have a wedding party to attend and she comes with them… Idk if she’s actually “have to” come to the party or not…. If she actually doesnt have to come, then she doesnt prioritize me…

    Her excuses are getting annoying lately… i cant take it anymore… and after today’s short while date im planning to stop contacting her… I dont want to text her “happy chinese new year” as its on january 22… Let’s see if she’ll text me first or not….

    If she doesnt, we already know she doesnt love mr anymore right?

     

    I’ve been dedicating everything for her, and also she gave me is this…

    Maybe i was wrong regarding her as a “gem”

    #413839
    mickelop
    Participant

    hi Eric

    Did anyone ever tell you that you are clingy and that isn’t attractive? Nor is making someone your emotional pin cushion because you feel lonely?

    Get a hobby. Let her do her thing. Otherwise you’re anxious ridden git that needs psychological help.

    christ

    #413840
    Eric
    Participant

    So it’s me that are clingy? Not that because this feels like a one sided relationship?

    My assumptions was wrong about relationships?

    I mean like isnt relationship about maintaining communication and understanding each other? Right now it feels like she regards me more as a friend than a lover….
    Maybe u are right, i am not attractive enough…. It is always been this way…

     

    Tbh i also thought, it’s too good to be true that she likes me.. i guess i was right

    Today i have a date with her and i feel very one sided, like she doesnt ask me for hugs or holding hands… i was the one asking, usually she’s the one asking…

    I know that she’s busy, but even the busiest people will want to hug and miss their lover right?

    #413841
    mickelop
    Participant

    So I’m a science guy (psych guy to be exact) and we have these hypotheses about things and we create conclusions about things based on the presentation in an environment.

    I will now prove you are a clingy putz that should be nowhere near a relationship until you get therapy (or a slap to the face whichever)
    <b>
    So it’s me that are clingy?
    </b>
    That’s correct. You are a funny kind of clingy dude that assumes that if they put in the bare minimum that a relationship will be okay. Dismissing the fact that your partner is busy. And that you blew her off by going to a family function to spend time with her – what type of friend are you honestly?

    Putz

    <b> My assumptions was wrong about relationships </b>

    that’s also correct. Your assumptions are wrong and well … you make a donkey of yourself doing that. Relationships are more than just bare minimum of I send a text that’s the best I can do. It’s barely the beginning. Why not surprise her? Why not take time out to learn her interests. Why is everything about you ? What about her feelings you putz

    <b>I mean like isnt relationship about maintaining communication and understanding each other? Right now it feels like she regards me more as a friend than a lover….</b>

    there are many methods of communication and interacting with people. Okay you send a text big deal. What else did you do besides kvetch about how she isn’t interested in you because she didn’t do exactly what you wanted to do to her.

    secondly so what if she regards you as a friend? Are you under some sort of assumption that at the heart of a relationship isn’t friendship? Seriously is this your first relationship? I mean how old are you mate ?

    best relationships do start out as friendships and maybe it’s a good opportunity to get to know her as one so you can build trust in yourself and your partner. Instead of kvetching like a child.

    putz

    <b>Maybe u are right, i am not attractive enough…. It is always been this way…</b>

    never called you ugly but maybe you are an ugly sack of crap. Guess what? They get very attractive women too. Ugly never stopped anyone from being in a relationship. Get out of your pity party and grow up quick

    putz

    <b>Today i have a date with her and i feel very one sided, like she doesnt ask me for hugs or holding hands… i was the one asking, usually she’s the one asking</b>

    Who in the bloody alps asks their girlfriend for a hug??? This isn’t Japan in the 90s or is it and I got lost in a time warp. If you want to hug pretty sure you can if it’s something that you both agreed to. Don’t be some sort of creep with it. You can hug your girlfriend.

     

    get out of your own head you putz

     

    #413842
    mickelop
    Participant

    Edit mistyped something

    you did blow her off by saying no to see her at her family function.

    #413846
    Eric
    Participant

    I’m also afraid of the possibility of long distance relationship….

    Cause people might change living in different locations, and i fear that…. Their attitude could change….. I really love her personality right now, as till now she has only lived in our hometown…. If she went to another city like in the capital for working, her attitude will change… cause most people will have a change of personality when they try living in another city….

     

     

    Moreover, being busy will add the lack of communication…. People with trust issues might feel difficult to hand LDR….

    There is also a possibility of she wanna relocate there, it’ll be really painful….

    #413847
    mickelop
    Participant

    Dude. Be real.
    you don’t want to be with her. Legit you don’t. And that’s okay.
    be honest about it. Quit tip-toeing around with these facile excuses.

    she moves – so what? Cross that bridge if/ when you get there. You thinking too hard because you don’t want to invest or put any commitment in anything.

    you are seriously the worst type of guy with this veneer of being “the nice guy”

    Be an adult and end it for your own sake.

    geez

    #413882
    Eric
    Participant

    No, i really wanna be with her.

    I really really wanna be with her….

    I wanna cherish and love her….

     

    It’s just that there are lots of possibilities that she might leave me….

    Like next year we could be in a LDR (a possibility), and as i know my worth i could be easily replaced…

    With my worth, no matter what i do i wouldnt be able to make her stay if she decides to leave…. This is why im so anxious and worried…

    That’s why i keep trying to find ways to erase the possibility of her leaving me…..

     

    It’s just that maybe right now she havent thought about committing fully, she just thinks about being in a relationship and see how it goes…

     

     

    It’s really hard being me, no one understands this…. I keep wanting to cherish someone i love but always end up getting hurt…

    #413884
    Eric
    Participant

    Day by day i learn more about relationships by bearing this pain, everyday i woke up with a heartbreak… but i keep myself strong from that pain….

    Sometimes if the heartbreak is too painful i could woke up in the middle of the night a few times…. But im trying to adapt with it….

    #413895
    mickelop
    Participant

    so I’m going to call bs on this – you don’t cherish her or love her. BUT here are some possibilities of what you do have:

    • you may be physically attracted to her
    • you may like an idea of what she represents (someone who likes you for you and you enjoy that)
    • you only like that idea on YOUR terms. Any thing related to her life and her existence you want to give it up

    this is a lot of things but it isn’t love. Why do I say this? It’s not me saying it. It’s you saying this.

    for instance

    I really really wanna be with her….

    I wanna cherish and love her….

    Yet you didn’t want to be with her during a family function when she asked (wasn’t your scene or whatever nonsense you tell yourself)

    You’re now saying she may move which may happen. It may not happen yet you’re already saying for some reason you can’t handle a LDR when there may not be evidence that may occur.

    you’re trying to psyche yourself on both extremes – treating her like a plaything for yourself but any amount of effort you balk because fear one fear two fear three.

    has she provided any evidence for this fear? Honestly I’m not seeing it. And let’s assume she does. So what? That’s the roll of the dice in a relationship. Anything can happen but you trust yourself you trust your partner because you have a foundation of trust as individuals and a relationship.

    you don’t trust yourself and you don’t trust her. How can you realistically say you cherish or love her as a person when you have no trust in her or yourself?

    frankly you don’t. Cut your losses break up and work on yourself.

    #413897
    Eric
    Participant

    Yet you didn’t want to be with her during a family function when she asked (wasn’t your scene or whatever nonsense you tell yourself)

    = i dont understand this statement, she only invites me once to eat with her family and i attend it…

     

     

    I’m trying my best to work on myself. I’ve been living my life in a lonely environment, it isnt easy for me… Whenever i wanna have an improved society life like my friends, i always have disadvantages than them… like my family dont get along with my dad’s siblings… Whenever i have the chance to approach a girl from a proper family i’ll always feel insecure with my family… i try to bear with it but it’s hard…

    Even at home i dont interact much with people at my house, it’s very lonely…. Whenever i feel warm in a gathering i’ll always feel so happy as its not the lonely feeling i always felt….

    I’m also trying to be more mature by learning from experiences and also improve my working skills… but it needs time, and right now relationship got me hurt, so i have to improve myself while getting hurt everyday….

    This is my first time in a relationship so im inexperienced… but im trying my best to maintain and improve it….

     

    But you are right i dont trust myself and i dont trust her… i need to work on that… Thank you for the reminder…

    #413898
    Eric
    Participant

    I always feel envy whenever i saw people having a warm gathering with their big family, i also want that… i never experienced it…

    That’s why im trying my best to get a partner that has a good character and loving… so we can both create a happy family

Viewing 13 posts - 166 through 178 (of 178 total)

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