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How can i get rid of this overthinking and insecurity?

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Viewing 15 posts - 151 through 165 (of 178 total)
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  • #413549
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Eric

    You’ve only started dating recently correct? If so, because you don’t know each other very well it takes a while for love to develop fully. Love is built on mutual respect, trust and accepting each other for who they are.

    Early stages of dating involve attraction and infatuation.

     

    #413557
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear helcat,

     

    Yes i’ve just started dating recently, and this is the first time for both of us….

     

    Do u have any tips in how to improve the relationship?
    To create a more stronger and loving bond between me and her…

    #413559
    Eric
    Participant

    I know that most people will say that i’m overthinking things… but i really really feel that this girl im dating with is starting to get bored on me…. Like nowadays she rarely replies fast, even when she’s not on her exam period… Like she didnt prioritize me anymore. I’m so confused on what should i do… It feels like im the only one doing the efforts….

    #413560
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Eric

    It sounds like things are going well so far!

    The only thing I noticed was that you opted out of a party that you were invited to because of anxiety.

    You should probably keep an eye on this behaviour. If you opt out of too many things you might not get invitations anymore. It could shut you out of parts of her life that she is trying to share with you.

     

    #413561
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear helcat

    What do u mean by “invited to because of anxiety?”

     

    You should probably keep an eye on this behaviour. If you opt out of too many things you might not get invitations anymore. It could shut you out of parts of her life that she is trying to share with you.

    = Keep an eye on who’s behaviour?

     

    I apologize, but i dont really get your explanations…

     

    #413563
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Eric

    Please correct me if I’m wrong but I thought you were invited to her brother’s birthday party. I also thought that you said that you didn’t want to go.

    Was my recollection accurate?

    #413582
    Eric
    Participant

    I want to express my feelings here as i dont know where can i express all of this….. And i have trust issues with my friends, idk to tell them…

     

    I just wanted to say these past few days have been tough for me…. Like really really tough, i keep waking up at middle of the night, feel like vomiting, even have dreams in which im crying in that dream….

     

    So the girl im dating has been not focusing/giving me attention these past few days… i understand her situation as she said this year she’s going to be busy because she needs to do her thesis… and she’s really busy with her uni schedule…. Monday till thursday she attends uni classes at night, and on saturdays she has an organization to attend for uni at night… so she’s basically free only on friday and sunday…. But if she has lots of assignments then a whole week could be really busy for her….

    Since she does her thesis this year, she has been replying my texts late and very un-enthusiast, she used to reply like this on christmas eve when she has lots of assignments and when i met her on our date she’s really not in the mood for dating and told me she needs to hurry to go home and finish her assignments…. I was afraid that time that i mistaken her that she’s gonna leave me….
    But then on her uni holidays, when she’s free of assignments… she’s back to being the joyful her on our date on january 2…. I really love her this way… but then when holiday is over and uni starts she acts like christmas eve again…. I even have thoughts that she’s going to leave me again, so yesterday i tried asking her for a phone call and she’s still quite busy but i feel that she hasnt have thoughts of leaving me…. She told me the past few days she’s in a bad mood due to assignments that even looking at her sister and brother makes her irritated, that’s why she replies me late….

    When she’s in this state she tends to forget about everything….
    We used to plan that im going to have dinner with her family on chinese new year eve and she’s also going to have dinner with my family…

    Chinese new year eve is next month, but she doesnt spoke a word about it, as she forgets about everything due to her uni assignments…. I’m confused on what solution on this situation, and she’s not a person who likes to initiate, and i have to ask her all the time…. I tried to be patient but more and more it’s really exhausting…..

    I asked her yesterday if its okay to texts her, do i annoy her?

    She told me “if i said you annoy me, you’d not text me?” “Its okay, but like usual i might reply late”…. Everytime i texts her she’s very un-enthusiast so idk what i should do…. If i dont initiate, she wont initiate….. it’s very hard for me….
    In relationships, we need to communicate daily and properly right, but look at my situation….. it’s draining me dry…

     

    She prioritize in texting her uni friends who discuss about the thesis, rather than me… Like im not longer giving me the spark like few months ago. So in our phone call yesterday, she talks a lot about her thesis, and how her friends struggle with it…

    I dont want to argue with her, but i want to find solutions for this…. Because as a person who doesnt initiate, she wont see this as a problem and wouldnt think much about it…

     

    As usual, i guess i love her more than she loves me… it’s always that way….
    I keep trying to be my own self, but it’s hard for me to get a girl attracted to me till she really loves me…. this situation is already a prove of it…

    If she’s really attracted to me, she’d at least tell me updates on her life right, but she didnt… i need to ask her first then she’ll tell me… Also at least even if she’s busy she at least need to ask how im doing right? If im the only one asking, it’d feel like a questionnaire, and i believe that’s not how relationship works….

    #413585
    Eric
    Participant

    Why do i always suffer this way in relationships?

    I genuinely love that person with all my heart, i even prepared a surprise for her, but this is how she treats me…. It’s really heartbreaking….

    I always suffer from sadness in relationships…. even giving me thoughts “do i deserve to be happy?” Few months ago im so happy and grateful that i met her, i’d do put all my efforts and do anything to make her happy… but i ended up in this state again…. Full of pain and sadness…

    Or could it be because im not as busy as her?

    If she’s already tired with me, why didnt she tell me? Im confused….

     

    I know i’d be stressful to read everything i write her, but i just wanted to express everything i felt here… cause i dont have anyone to tell….

     

    #413589
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Eric

    If you’re that stressed you’re vomiting because of anxiety you should probably leave the relationship. Not because she has done anything wrong. She is just very busy. It can be hard to date when you are very busy. You may need to get therapy before you are emotionally ready to cope with a relationship. Your anxious thoughts have now fixated on the relationship. The relationship is not the problem, you have untreated mental health issues.

    My recollection is that now you have asked her multiple times if you are annoying her. This along with the call means that you’re starting to seek reassurance from her. It’s not her job to reassure you. It’s your job to do that for yourself.

    I’ve had issues with reassurance myself, so I know hard it is. What helped me is realizing that there is an underlying mechanism behind reassurance. 1) Seeking social comfort 2) Anxiety management. There’s nothing wrong with social comfort, it’s important to handle these two issues separately. Use your own anxiety management skills to bring your anxiety down.

    #413600
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear helcat,

     

    Even if she’s very busy, dont you think we both still need to make time for each other? Like if we didnt, then how can we maintain the relationship?

    She’d never initiate the chat first, so i have to be the one initiating, and if she’s this busy its going to be hard for me…

    So this issue is totally on me? Not her fault at all?

     

    I think it’s because after confessing, i keep wanting our relationship to progress further and further… but i didnt know she’d be this busy…

    I dont want her to get hurt because of me, that’s why im doing my best to find solutions…

     

    I wanted reassurance because she never asks me, its always me the only one asking…. But im okay with that actually… it’s just that in this situation i felt distant from her….

    She even told me that she likes if im being clingy on her…

     

     

    #413602
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Eric

    I think it would help if you adjusted your expectations.

    Her life is very busy and stressful atm because of her thesis. You said she shared that this has been impacting her mood. You also shared that things went well spending time together on her day off.

    When one partner is less busy than the other it natural for the less busy partner to miss the busy partner. On the other hand, the busy partner doesn’t experience that because they are so busy with other things. It’s no one’s fault. That is just life sometimes.

    You will probably have a great time when you spend time with her on her days off. You will naturally miss her when she’s busy. As she is so busy it will be important not to opt out of things she invites you to. If you want a relationship where your partner isn’t as busy, you will need to pursue a relationship with someone else.

    I think the main concern is how your mental health is reacting to this situation. It’s putting a lot of stress on you. When you start vomiting because of anxiety, your body is at it’s limit.

    #413606
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear helcat,

     

    But i dont think she’s always that busy everyday… there must be a day when she has a bit of spare time… and i believe in that sparetime she’s intentionally not replying my texts because she’s not interested in me…. And it hurts so much….

    Is there no other way besides finding a new relationship?

    #413623
    Eric
    Participant

    Dont u think this situation is very harsh on me? Like i’m really really grateful to have met her, i wanna cherish her and make her happy…. I’ll never do anything to make her sad….

    I’m trying to adjust my expectations, trying to understand her situation, i want to be a person who supports her…

    Does this always happen to boys who love his partner more than she loves him?

    #413624
    Eric
    Participant

    I’m planning to stop contacting her for a few days and see how it goes… will she try to contact me first…. Maybe her mood can be much better by then….

    I just hope this wont be a wrong move for me…

    #413698
    Eric
    Participant

    I’m pretty sure no one will reply to this but…. Chinese new year is coming soon, and as usual i feel very insecure with my family structure…. Most people have big families and get along with their cousins… while i only celebrate it on a small family size…. because our family dont get along with my father’s siblings, so we never gather with them… resulting in i never contact my cousins too…. And my mom is an only child, so she has no siblings…. Therefore, i only have cousins from my father’s siblings…

     

    I keep feeling insecure whenever i like a girl, she might feel this is a disadvantage for her if she choose me…. Other guys might have larger and a more fun family….

     

    In chinese new year, most people gather on this special event with their families and celebrate it for a whole week… And with social media very much use nowadays, most people posted their happy big families on chinese new year.. and it makes me very insecure…. Cause our family doesnt celebrate it at all, we just ate together for formality and that’s it…. Most other families celebrate it by receiving red packets from their families and gather with their siblings…and have a family gathering dinner….

    Whereas for us, after eating together for formality, we spend the whole week staying at home… watching tv, even sleep in the afternoon…. How can i show this to the girl i like? I feel so embarrassed and insecure… She might think how can a family celebrate chinese new year like this?

     

    If anyone here is kind enough to give me some advices, i’d be very very thankful….

Viewing 15 posts - 151 through 165 (of 178 total)

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