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How can i get rid of this overthinking and insecurity?

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  • #408730
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    Do u think relationships could disrupt my friendship with my friends?“- not more than your obsessive thinking has been disrupting so much of your life. It’s the excessive anxiety and obsessive thinking that’s The Problem.

    Friday-Sunday I (will go) out of country for an event… <b>one of my friends… wants to visit my city on Thursday… I’m really pissed off because why does he have to come to my city. Now I have to meet him and end up not having a date with that girl… If I don’t date with that girl on Thursday next week, that means I won’t be meeting her at all next week</b>”- you are pissed at your friend for no valid reason: it is not like he knows that you plan on having a date on Thursday night and he purposefully wants to interrupt your plan.

    Here is a possible solution: you can ask her for a date on Thursday, and if she says Yes, you can either (1) ask her if she would like to join you for dinner with your uni friend (only if you are comfortable with the idea!),  or  (2) you can tell your friend that you will be busy on a date on that Thursday night and therefore you will not be able to see him. You can tell him that you are looking forward to have dinner with him on another night, sometime later.

    anita

     

    #408862
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    So as i’ve said previously i sent that girl a belated birhday gift…. Which is a music box wrapped in a homemade way…. Idk how she really felt about it as it’s not an expensive or really good music box… just a standard one, but she told me that she saw it cute and i’m full of ideas…

    But today she posted a belated birthday gift by her friend (a boy) which is a make up tools and her sister giving her a branded bag…..

    I suddenly have thoughts that she might pretend that she like my gift, because she received better ones…. Like her sister giving her a branded bag…. It’s not that i cant afford it for her, it’s just that (on the period when im about to give her the gift)… i only went out with her once…. It’d be too much if i immediately gave her something branded…. Well i can give her a makeup tool but i dont really know anything about makeup tools and also at that time i dont really have thoughts of giving her something about makeup….. Also on her birthday i gave her a small sized cake….
    How she texts me till now is positive, and we’re going out tomorrow to watch movies… and planning to have dinner and desserts afterwards….

    But i’m trying to calm myself because i keep thinking of the possibility of she leaving…. As i did numerous mistakes (like giving her a cake smaller than her friend, And that music box gift)….. i shouldve gave her a hoodie that time, because it looked more proper…..

    I feel embarrassed at myself, i hope she’s not embarrassed that i gave her those kind of stuffs……

    #408902
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    I think that the gifts you gave her are lovely and appropriate, given- like you suggested yourself- the short time you know her. Her responses to your gifts reveal that she appreciates them.

    I keep thinking of the possibility of she leaving. As I did numerous mistake“- you keep imagining that you are making mistakes when you don’t. I will call this one, the I-made-a-mistake obsession. This obsession itself is a mistake: a mistaken thought, a mistaken belief.

    we’re going out tomorrow to watch movies, and planning to have dinner and desserts afterwards… I’m trying to calm myself “- I hope that you do manage to calm down very soon, and that you enjoy your date tomorrow!

    anita

    #408914
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

     

    Thank you for wishing me a good date, and also for not feeding my obsessions….

     

    Before i saw her friend and sister sent that gift i felt okay…. Maybe just disappointed that i give her a small cake…. But after i saw those 2 giving that gift, i feel like i should’ve given her a better gift….. but at that time i feel like that music box was the most appropriate one….. i even wrapped it in my homemade ideas…. Is this still an obsession?

    It’s just that i wanna protect myself from getting hurt by doing mistakes…

    I also keep having thoughts like why would she wanna go out with me? She could just find a boy who could give her a better gift….. I even felt like apologizing to her when i saw her friend and sister gifts….

     

     

    If i plan to confess to her in a few months (still not sure), do u think these gifts might give me a disadvantage? Leading her to reject me?

    #408915
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Dear Eric:

    You are good-enough, you have what it takes to be loved, to be wanted, it is possible to like you (I do), and to love you. Believe me, Eric: a woman can like you and love you. I wish I could lead you to believe this.

    anita

     

     

     

     

     

    #408957
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

     

    So yesterday was the third date, and i can say it went well…. First we went to watch movies, then have dessert and finally have our dinner…. When she got into my car before we went to watch movies, i surprised her by bringing a chocolate which is a chocolate that used to make her get scolded when she was a child at school because she’s eating at class (i tease her by texts about that chocolate)…. Then she was surprised that i suddenly brought that chocolate and she smiles and says im really good at teasing her….

    In this third date, she also asked me to take a picture with her when we finished our dinner… the last one is we’re in sitting pose…. The latest one was a standing pic where she stands beside me…. I was so nervous and happy at the same time….. The standing pic has 2 versions as she wanted to change positions where the first one is im at the left and she’s at the right, and the second one is im at the right and she’s at the left…

    When i saw the pic, i become a bit down… because my hair look so messy in the pic (where im at the left and she’s at the right)… while the other one i look okay….. i told her that the pic (where im at the right) looks better… but she told me both pictures are good….. Why did she say that? Im pretty sure my hair is messy…. Now i know everytime i took a pic i need to stand on the right side…..
    I keep getting thoughts that she might told her friends/her sister about this third date… then they look the pic where my hair look messy…. They could advice her to stop contacting me because i look like that….

    After this date i realized, dating in cinema isnt fun as we cant talk…. It’s better to talk at cafes or restaurant…..

    And also when i got home after that date, i felt mentally exhausted again idk why… i enjoyed the date but it’s exhausting….
    Idk if it’s because i look messy in that standing pic….

    Also she told me on how 3 different boys asked her out but she refused, because those boys havent really know her… then suddenly asked her out…. Idk why she’s telling me this…. Is she trying to give some signs? She also told me that one of does guys she her a birthday cake when she never tell them her home address amm.

    I probably cant meet her this week as i have an event outside my city (its in my previous thread), but i hope i can have a date with her again when i get back after that event…

    What i need to find out is why do i feel exhausted…..

    #408959
    Eric
    Participant

    Tbh i really want to try having a relationship with her, as i always enjoyed our date, but at the same time exhausting…. But if im already on a relationship with her, means that im going to meet her parents and get to know them, as well as her sister…. It could be more exhausting…

    I used to text her everyday, but today i feel exhausted idk why…

    Also im confused should i confess before or after the new year…. As at the end of december im going to have a holiday trip with my parents for a week and cant meet her…

    #408971
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    Congratulations for a 3rd god date! Nice initiative regarding the chocolate, you really are fun and creative and (like she told you), full of ideas!

    “<b>my hair look so messy…  I’m pretty sure my hair is messy… I keep getting thoughts that she might told her friends/her sister about this third date… then they look the pic where my hair look messy…. They could advise her to stop contacting me because I look like that</b>”- shall I call this one the Messy Hair Obsession (acronym MHO), similar to the old Too Short Obsession (TSO) and Too Small Family Obsession (TSFO) and the I-Made-a-Mistake Obsession (IMaMO)… and the recent Too Small  Cake Obsession (TSCO), etc.,… all leading to the She-Will-Reject-Me Obsession?

    I would like you to join me in adopting a bit of humor when it comes to your worries and obsessions, it can help weaken them!

    “When I got home after that date, I felt mentally exhausted again idk why. I enjoyed the date but it’s <b>exhausting. Idk if it’s because I look messy in that standing pic</b>…. What I need to find out is why do I feel exhausted… I always enjoyed our date, but at the same time exhausting… It could be more exhausting…  today I feel exhausted idk why“-

    – On Oct 15 (page 1 of this thread), you mentioned feeling exhausted after the first date, and in my reply to you on the same day, I talked about the reasons for your exhaustion in the 3rd and 4th paragraphs. Will you please read those paragraphs and let me know if you agree with what I wrote there, and/ or if you have other thoughts as to the reasons of your mental exhaustion following dates with her?

    anita

    #408972
    anita
    Participant

    Re-posting:

    Dear Eric:

    Congratulations for a 3rd god date! Nice initiative regarding the chocolate, you really are fun and creative and (like she told you), full of ideas!

    my hair look so messy…  I’m pretty sure my hair is messy… I keep getting thoughts that she might told her friends/her sister about this third date… then they look the pic where my hair look messy…. They could advise her to stop contacting me because I look like that“- shall I call this one the Messy Hair Obsession (acronym MHO), similar to the old Too Short Obsession (TSO) and Too Small Family Obsession (TSFO) and the I-Made-a-Mistake Obsession (IMaMO)… and the recent Too Small  Cake Obsession (TSCO), etc.,… all leading to the She-Will-Reject-Me Obsession?

    I would like you to join me in adopting a bit of humor when it comes to your worries and obsessions, it can help weaken them!

    “When I got home after that date, I felt mentally exhausted again idk why. I enjoyed the date but it’s exhausting. Idk if it’s because I look messy in that standing pic…. What I need to find out is why do I feel exhausted… I always enjoyed our date, but at the same time exhausting… It could be more exhausting…  today I feel exhausted idk why“-

    – On Oct 15 (page 1 of this thread), you mentioned feeling exhausted after the first date, and in my reply to you on the same day, I talked about the reasons for your exhaustion in the 3rd and 4th paragraphs. Will you please read those paragraphs and let me know if you agree with what I wrote there, and/ or if you have other thoughts as to the reasons of your mental exhaustion following dates with her?

    anita

    #409012
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Great idea into turning the obsessions into humor, i laugh when you mentioned some of my obsessions… i guess i could try thinking about my obsessions in a funny way, maybe it could help a bit….

     

     

    – On Oct 15 (page 1 of this thread), you mentioned feeling exhausted after the first date, and in my reply to you on the same day, I talked about the reasons for your exhaustion in the 3rd and 4th paragraphs. Will you please read those paragraphs and let me know if you agree with what I wrote there, and/ or if you have other thoughts as to the reasons of your mental exhaustion following dates with her?

    = Yes you are right, i’ve been focusing on all the negatives and it’s not due to her… even right now typing this i still feel anxious….

    I feel like i feel exhausted after the date is because i’ve been trying to maintain the date as good as possible…. And if there’s a mistake i’d feel down (just like that messy hair problem) cause it might lead to her leaving (yes this is an obsession)….
    Cause i know i cant take another heartbreak, the last one was painful…. And the more i get closer to her, the heartbreak will be more painful….. I’m also confused if i should confess to her at the end of the year… but then i read that after 3 years of relationship.. people get married… and im still 23, in 3 years i’d still be 26 and she’s 24…. I feel like it’s too young… and im not sure if i’ll be mature at that age… I feel like the best age to marry is when i’m near 30 years of age… Also i saw most people get bored in their 3rd year of relationship…..

    I keep thinking of ideas so that i can maintain this momentum with her so she wont get bored of me….. when i really focus on her i cant really focus on other things…. And this is exhausting too, but at the same time i wanna focus on her….

    Most survey also said that most people dont marry their first relationship… and if she accepts my confession then it’ll be my first….

    She’s also still in uni now, what if she changes her mind about me when she’s working?

    But then i wanna try being a relationship with her… It’s so confusing and exhausting….

     

    And i also i feel like it’s too good to be true if i could be in a relationship with her…. Because she’s my type of girl…..

    #409025
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    I feel like it’s too good to be true, if I could be in a relationship with her. Because she’s my type of girl“- remember that I suggested to give her a compliment a next date? Well, this would be a wonderful compliment: you can look her in the eyes, have a sincere little smile on your face, and say, it feels too good to be true to be on a date with you! then pause (she may ask why?) and you say: because you are my type of girl! (be prepared to answer if she asks you in what ways she is your type of girl?).

    Or, if you want to make it simpler, you can give her this compliment: you are my type of girl! and still be prepared to tell her in what ways she is your type of girl.

    It’s so confusing and exhausting“- experiencing anxiety by itself- without doing any physical work or exercise- is physically exhausting; therefore, you are at times physically exhausted.  I am glad that you like my idea of using humor in regard to your obsessions; let’s keep it in mind as we communicate about your obsessions.

    If there’s a mistake, I’d feel down“- it is not possible for you to not make a mistake for a whole single day;  it is definitely not possible for you to never make a mistake. It is not possible for anyone… including for her. Yet, you expect the impossible when it comes to yourself.

    If there’s a mistake… it might lead to her leaving“- if she makes a mistake, if her hair is a bit messy… will you leave her?

    I know I can’t take another heartbreak, the last one was painful“- you can take another heartbreak. You took the first and you can take a second. You are very successful when it comes to enduring pain: you endured and survived so much anxiety (which is a form of pain) for.. how many years?

    I’m also confused if I should confess to her at the end of the year, but then I read that after 3 years of relationship, people get married and I’m still 23… Most survey also said that most people don’t marry their first relationship…“- you’ve been reading online surveys recently so to answer the following: (1) when should I confess and commit to marriage: at the end of this year? In 3 years? In 7 years? (2) Should I have more than one relationship before I commit to marriage? (3) What if she gets bored with me? (4) What if she changes her mind about me when she graduates uni and starts working?

    Remember when I told you that questions can be answered but obsessions are never satisfied with answers?

    anita

    #409045
    Eric
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear anita,</p>
     

    if she makes a mistake, if her hair is a bit messy… will you leave her?

    = No i wont, because no matter how her hairstyle is, she’s still her…. The person who i love to interact with….

    The other reason that is hard to believe is that, if she really genuinely want me…. It’ll be very hard to believe for me…. Like is it really possible for someone like me?

     

     

    you can take another heartbreak. You took the first and you can take a second. You are very successful when it comes to enduring pain: you endured and survived so much anxiety (which is a form of pain) for.. how many years?

    = well yeah, i’ve endured pain for several years already…. But another heartbreak will still be a painful one, maybe more painful than the previous one…. I hope i can avoid it….

    I havent told her at all about my anxiety… and also all of my insecurities…. As i dont want to take any risks….

     

     

    it is not possible for you to not make a mistake for a whole single day;  it is definitely not possible for you to never make a mistake. It is not possible for anyone… including for her. Yet, you expect the impossible when it comes to yourself.

    = Well yeah, it’s impossible to not make a mistake….. But the thing is that i’m trying my best to be creative everytime i met her/ texts her through texts…. So that she wont get bored of me….. Because i saw one of the reasons why relationships dont work out is because of boredom…. And i’d like to avoid that…. But i know sooner or later i’ll ran out of ideas….. it’s only two months but i feel like i’m going to ran out of ideas soon…..

    I really want to find a solution for this….

     

     

    you’ve been reading online surveys recently so to answer the following: (1) when should I confess and commit to marriage: at the end of this year? In 3 years? In 7 years? (2) Should I have more than one relationship before I commit to marriage? (3) What if she gets bored with me? (4) What if she changes her mind about me when she graduates uni and starts working?

    = so this still counts as obsession too? Not a research for a better outcome? As i want to best possible outcome for me…..

     

     

    Or, if you want to make it simpler, you can give her this compliment: you are my type of girl! and still be prepared to tell her in what ways she is your type of girl.

    = I dont think she’s ready to be complimented like this, because once she sent me a pic of her and her friends in her friend’s birthday party… And i told her that her outfit was good (she told me she’s so picky in choosing her outfit, and took a long time to pick that one) and also i complimented that she look pretty there….
    Because she told me the one beside her was pretty as she’s petite and etc, but i told her the one beside that girl was prettier (her)… then she just laugh and her reaction was a bit awkward…. So i dont think she’s ready to be complimented like that…..

    #409048
    Eric
    Participant

    Idk when i’ll be able to tell her my weakness and anxiety… because there is a lot to tell…. And i need courage to tell her…..

     

    Also i’d like to ask about another thing?

    Do u know any reasons why a person has difficulty in concentrating? Like very hard for my brain to focus…..

    When i hang out with that girl i keep forgetting where do i park my car, i also sometimes easily gets confused myself, like i tend to forget what i said…. And it could disrupt our hang out moments….

    When i was working, it’s very hard for me to concentrate, like my brain feels lazy and tired….

    Do u think this might be due to overthinking and anxiety? Or maybe lack of sleep?

    #409054
    Eric
    Participant

    So recently she replied my texts late than usual…. I’m starting to get stressed, i imagine a lot of things… like could she be texting other guys, or she’s not interested in me that she’s just pretending in the previous dates…..

    Well 5 days she told me that she might reply late due to assignment and exams…. But 2 days ago she replied me fast…. But then she replied me very late…. It’s suffocating…. Does chasing after relationships have to be this painful? I’ve been preparing everything for her…. Like i gave my all… it feels not equal compare to what in stressing on in this “dating thing”……

    I even feel like crying inside…. Because i’ve been genuinely trying my best, i gave my all on the efforts…. But i still get hurt….

    It’s really suffocating and stressful being the one chasing….

     

     

    #409061
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    I asked you: “if she makes a mistake, if her hair is a bit messy, will you leave her?”, and you answered:  “No I won’t, because no matter how her hairstyle is, she’s still her. The person who I love to interact with“-

    her mistakes are okay with you because you like her.  You  know/ believe that it is possible to like her regardless of her mistakes. But your mistakes are not okay with you because you don’t like you. You believe that it is not possible to like you: “if she really genuinely want me, It’ll be very hard to believe for me. Like is it really possible for someone like me?

    Because you don’t like you, any one of your mistakes seems big and dangerous, as if the mistake will cause the girl to see ‘the truth’… which is that it is impossible to like you. By trying hard to make no mistakes, you are hoping that she will not find out ‘the truth’. No wonder you are so anxious… fearing that any moment, any day, she will find out and leave you.

    “<b>Another heartbreak will still be a painful one, maybe more painful than the previous one. I hope I can avoid it</b>”-  I hope more than you avoiding a future heartbreak. I hope that your present, long-term, every day heartbreak of disliking yourself can be fixed: life would be way less painful for you when you finally like yourself.

    I saw one of the reasons why relationships don’t work out is because of boredom. And I’d like to avoid that. But I know sooner or later I’ll ran out of ideas. It’s only two months but I feel like I’m going to ran out of ideas soon. I really want to find a solution for this“- the solution: get to like yourself, get to be okay with you.

    I don’t think she’s ready to be complimented like this…  I told her the one beside that girl was prettier (her), then she just laugh and her reaction was a bit awkward” – she doesn’t like herself as much as you like her.

    Do u know any reasons why a person has difficulty in concentrating? Like very hard for my brain to focus. When I hang out with that girl, I keep forgetting where do I park my car…. my brain feels lazy and tired. Do u think this might be due to overthinking and anxiety? Or maybe lack of sleep?“- yes, it is due to anxiety, definitely. Severe anxiety causes confusion, lack of focus, inability to concentrate, poor memory, overthinking and lack of sleep, all of these things.

    Does chasing after relationships have to be this painful?“- I mentioned your “present, long-term, every day heartbreak” in the 4th paragraph of this post. Disliking yourself and the anxiety involved in it, causes you heartbreak every single day. It is indeed a painful way to live. (So, the answer to your question is: no, a relationship does not have to be this painful).

    “<b>I even feel like crying inside. Because I’ve been genuinely trying my best, I gave my all on the efforts. But I still get hurt</b>”- it is not her fault that you feel hurt: she did not break your heart. It is your unfortunate belief that it is impossible to like you (and that any moment, any day, she will find this out) that is breaking your heart.

    It is unfortunate that you have not yet considered psychotherapy/ professional help- you really need it.

    anita

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